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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not be able to cope with friends shallow obsession?

43 replies

SydneyFrexkle · 19/01/2019 00:47

Sounds awful but it’s getting too much.

They want a nose job. They used an app to see what the new nose would look like. They’ve since text me this photo twice and then by email for a clearer view Confused

They send me half naked photos and photos of their face to say how good they looked and how glowing their skin used to be and how they need to be that shape/look again.

OP posts:
Bellasorellaa · 19/01/2019 00:49

How old are your friends

Lovingbenidorm · 19/01/2019 00:50

Oh the sad sad shallowness of it all

SydneyFrexkle · 19/01/2019 09:42

Mid 20s

OP posts:
waterlego · 19/01/2019 09:50

They sound very insecure. Do they have other interests outside of this? You could encourage them to live more outside of their own head by suggesting things you could do together to help take their mind off their perceived flaws.

waterlego · 19/01/2019 09:50

Hobbies or volunteering for example. I think navel-gazing and self-obsession is worse in the current youth than it was when I was a teen.

Dieu · 19/01/2019 09:54

It may be a shallow obsession to you, but clearly not to her.
She's your friend, so get behind her.
Unless she has massive form for being self-obsessed and vain, YABU.

BejamNostalgia · 19/01/2019 09:55

Sounds like it might be a MH issue

PurpleDaisies · 19/01/2019 09:56

She sounds really down. You sound a bit mean.

Bezalelle · 19/01/2019 10:00

Not sure if you mean one friend and are being coy about pronouns, or whether you have multiple friends like this. Either way, she/they sound/s tedious.

MissingGeorgeMichael · 19/01/2019 10:01

What reason have they given for wanting a nose job though?

ElspethFlashman · 19/01/2019 10:02

I don't think its mean to be a bit overloaded with someone else's obsession. It's just fatigue.

But OP I would start to develop phrases that do not continue the conversation. I would answer "best of luck with it" quite a lot. If she directly asks my opinion I would answer "this is an expensive decision so I'm not making it for you! Best of luck with it xx"

If she asks if she looked better before, say "You always look beautiful to me. Best of luck with it. Xx"

In other words, be bland, be neutral, be removed. And shut that shit down after 5 mins. Just stop answering and next time say "sorry was up to my eyes there...." (if she says with what, lie through your teeth, tv license inspector/gasman/electricity suddenly went out/WiFi died/your mum called the landline etc etc)

waterlego · 19/01/2019 10:20

I like Elspeth’s approach. Might help to convey the message that the stuff she is worried about is not important to others. And not in an unkind way- just that beauty is so subjective, and so relatively short-lived that it isn’t worth pain and expense to achieve. It is meaningless.

Orchiddingme · 19/01/2019 10:23

I agree with the person who said become a 'broken record'- just keep repeating your own opinion and don't engage in the discussion over it. They do sound insecure, but it does sound boring. If they want a nose-job though, I wouldn't dissuade them, I wouldn't encourage it, I'd be neutral as I don't care what others do to their bodies.

Rudgie47 · 19/01/2019 10:25

What her existing nose like though? some can be so bad they can wreck peoples lives if they let it.
She might have a nose like Rebecca Adlington had before she got it done,nobody would begrudge her that nose job because her original nose was awful.
I'd just say do what you think is best, its her money shes spending.

Theansweris · 19/01/2019 10:27

What a supportive friend you are 😏

Hwory · 19/01/2019 10:29

You sound horrible.

BlueJava · 19/01/2019 10:34

Why's it such a big deal to you? Just delete the pics and don't respond on them. Talk about other things with them instead.

Lizzie48 · 19/01/2019 10:38

No she doesn't sound 'horrible', there's no indication that she's said anything unkind to her friend about it. She's just got tired of her friend obsessing about this, which is understandable. As long as your friend isn't on Mumsnet, OP, in which case she'll easily recognise herself?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/01/2019 10:38

Is this someone who secretly would like to be in a relationship with you? If so, you probably need to be very clear that you don't appreciate the half-naked photos.
Also warn them that they might be breaching the law in terms of distributing pornographic images (depends on how naked they are!) - of course they might not be, but it might stop them anyway!
Sounds dreadful, anyway.

If all else fails, block them.

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 19/01/2019 10:39

I like ElspethFlashman's approach as well. And if it were my friend, I'd be doing all I could to help build up her self-esteem.

SuchAToDo · 19/01/2019 10:54

Has your friend always felt this way about her nose and body in general...it would be kinder to help her get to the root of it...for example she may hate her nose, but when did it start?..if she can track it back it may have started with a comment from a bully or an ex boyfriend...and if that is the case then help her realise she shouldn't change her body with surgery because of nasty people comments...

For example I used to hate my nose, and as an adult I thought back and could not remember any school yard bullying..but then a memory came to me of my mum making fun of my nose and how it looked when I smiled and i realised that from that day I hadn't ever smiled naturally (where you smile without thinking)..I had learnt to smile in a way that didn't make my nose look bad...and I thought fuck it, I'm an adult, her comment had taken over my whole childhood, I wasn't going to let it cast a shadow over my life as an adult too...there's days I'm still conscious of it, but I'm more accepting of it now..

I bet if your friend looks back through her memory this will all have started with someone's nasty comment...

BalloonSlayer · 19/01/2019 10:56

What reason have they given for wanting a nose job though?

Eh?? Because they don't like their existing nose, presumably. What possible other reason is there?

Butterflycookie · 19/01/2019 11:02

Well does she have a big nose? There’s nothing wrong with a nose job. You’re not her so you don’t know what it’s like to be like her with her nose. Having said that, if her nose if fine then she might have issues. I know someone who’s had a nose job and still thinks their nose is big. It’s definately not big and they clearly have some mental health issues.

Have you tried talking to them and tried explaining why they don’t need one? If there isn’t anything wrong with her nose then she needs to get some professional help and see then gp.....too many people getting things done when there’s clearly nothing wrong with them .

ravenmum · 19/01/2019 11:09

I used to have a nose much worse looking than Rebecca Adlington's, and there was no need to delve into my past to work out when someone might have said something. Strangers would stop me on the street to tell me I was the ugliest person they'd ever seen. As a teenager it was awful. (As I grew older people did it less; presumably I looked scarier.)

I had surgery on it a few years back because I wasn't able to breathe properly. It now looks normal. People don't make rude comments. Should have had it done years ago; why not?

Is your friend actually planning to have surgery, then? When that's done, she'll stop annoying you by asking you for advice and support.

perfectstorm · 19/01/2019 11:09

Doesn't sound shallow, sadly. It sounds like someone terrified of ageing and looking for clinical solutions, unless there is genuinely something really unattractive about her nose.

I've had to have a shitload of plastic surgery recently, due to cancer (new boob built from my stomach, then when the rest of the actual cancer treatment is over, they will create a new nipple on the fake boob via origami with skin, tidy up the "puppy ears" either end of the stomach incision that always happens after the scars heal, and do lipo on my hips and arse so I don't have a totally flat stomach with the usual mid-40s saddlebags and fat, as they're right and that does look weird... and then they'll lift the non-cancerous boob, so they match and look like a 20 year olds, without the super scaffolded bra I need to use at the moment. Honestly, with clothes on (even a bikini, as the scars would be hidden) I'll look much better. Flat stomach, abs showing again, slimmer hips and waist, lifted boobs. But the surgery and recovery is horrible, the reality that the cancer could kill me and leave my kids to grow up without me unspeakable, and I am only guaranteed amazing results because I'm in one of the top hospitals in the country, and the surgeons they have for NHS plastic surgery for cancer patients are world leading. This is their emotionally satisfying work, one told me - they do Harley Street to pay the bills, but helping women like me is what gives them pleasure. Unless she's stinking rich, she won't have one of these surgeons. They'll be outside her price range. She will end up with someone who isn't good enough to work in one of those hospitals, or doesn't have the patient care element as a top priority, or both.

And we will still age. I will still end up with the rest of my body aged, and my skin aged, and over time, even the new boobs will drop and the stomach and hips regain some fat. Because age happens, and that's a good thing.

If I don't beat this and die within the next five years, my corpse will be far more beautiful than it would have been if I die at 90 - and actually, better clothed than it would have been a year ago. But age in and of itself is not important. It just isn't. And her fear of it needs to be looked at and thought about, because it is only going to be more dramatic, what happens to her body and face over the next 50 years, and she has to find a way to place her values on other things about herself or she is headed for a world of pain.

Her problem isn't her nose. It's her mind.

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