To ask how to spot a skilled cocklodger

[mabeltulips]

Long time MNetter but n'cd for this!

When I first came across the word "cocklodger" on here it really made me laugh but I also feel uneasy because I've found myself saddled with three different cocklodgers in the last 18 years.

With each one, I'd never ever have predicted that's what they'd turn out to be, all of them acted as though they were very proud, insisted on paying me back for the smallest purchase like a grocery item, made grand statements about how hard they worked and how they aspired to be able to take care of me so we could have a comfortable life and so on.

The first one unexpectedly quit his job once we'd got married and I found myself financing him whilst he refused to get up off the sofa or stop playing video games. I worked double shifts until I realised he'd transferred my wages out of our joint account and divorced him.

The second earned far more than me, but after a few years I started to notice that I was paying for all our outgoings whilst he was "saving money for our future." Needles to say I never saw a penny of that and we broke up.

The third and the worst was my recent ExH. He was the most convincing- for the first few years he acted like butter wouldn't melt and was so proud. He'd insist on giving me £1 if I'd bought him a snack and so on. After we got married I found myself paying for more and more, at first i thought it's not worth an argument over a tenner, then I can't fall out with him over twenty quid and so on. I think he was very interested in the fact I'd inherited a flat and although I wasn't able to work ft due to health problems, I was financing us both. He kept pestering me to put my house in joint names by crying and saying he didn't feel we were equal. He tried very hard to get a lot of money out of me in our divorce even though we'd not been married long and had no DC. He also became very aggressive and started hanging around outside my house when he was told I wouldn't give him anything. If I asked for his contribution towards bills/food etc he would virtually throw the money at me and then refuse to speak to me for hours. If we ran out of things like milk or toilet roll he would wait however long it took for me to go out and replace them. He started to develop a taste for eating in expensive restaurants and holidays we couldn't afford and demanding I paid. Hence why he is ExH now.

I don't think cocklodgers are uncommon but I'm so worried about finding myself with someone like this again. I feel like I must be a complete mug or a weak person for this to have kept happening. I now struggle to trust people I meet who could be potential partners. I'm not a rich or flashy person so I don't know why I attract people like this. When you've been with someone for a number of years before they start to show these behaviours, how can you know? Perhaps there are red flags I've missed or ways to deter people like that from trying to get close? If anyone else has had experience of this please can you tell me what the red flags were and how long it took to be obvious?

That’s some awful bad luck, I not sure of the answer but I’m watching with interest.
Could it be a (hidden) inherent laziness maybe??

I have had this problem too and I think because I'm generous and don't really care about money I manage to turn even the most normal person into a scrounger or cock lodgers just spot me a mile off.

My past bfs need to borrow money all the time 🙄 and treat me like a cash point. I do seem to attract addicts.

I did learn my lesson a while back and refused to lend one bf anything, I didn't even relent when he sat in my sofa wiping tears from his face because he had no money because his card had been cloned and all his money had gone and the bank blah blah blah.....turned out he had a gambling problem.

I think the answer is just don't be generous, but I find it hard, definitely never admit to having any money or being mortgage free, tell them you rent your flat and the rent is extortionate.

Hoping others will help with tips to repel the bastards, before they even get close.

@Cheerbear23 thank you for replying! the constant in those three situations is me so maybe it's something about me they're drawn to. They would have seemed completely different to each other to anyone who met them. I've asked friends and family and no one can see any similarities between them or common themes!

@chocolateishappiness thank you for saying about your experiences, I'm sorry to hear you've had to encounter that situation too. I think the problem could be me enabling it - instead of putting my foot down early on I think a tenner isn't a good enough reason for an argument so I let it go, then it escalates and they're probably thinking "this woman isn't going to make a fuss, I can get away with pushing my luck here."

Bloody hell,your third one sounds exactly like an ex of mine!

You know the signs now, don't ignore them in future. Remember that odd 10 quid before it becomes 20. If someone is too interested in your property, show them the door.
I also would think twice about getting married again unless the man is fully financially stable himself and protect your assets always.

I had one when I was younger. He started sleeping over at mine more and more until he stopped bothering to go home, then he got into rent arrears and lost the flat, was going to get a new place and didn't, lost his job, was going to get another... Until he was on my sofa nearly 24 hours a day except for when he wanted to go out drinking. With my money. He threw a toddler style tantrum in the street because I wouldn't give him both my bank card and my last tenner. Actually stamping his feet while his friends watched. I found another flat without telling him and left while he was on one of his all day pub crawls. He's probably on someone else's sofa now.
These days I'm wary of someone telling me any kind of sob story too soon, telling me they love me very early on, and I don't lend money.

Watching as have had the same problem.

I’ve resolved to tell any future men friends that I’m house sitting for a relative.

I haven't been in this situation before but have worked with lazy people and my husband has too. He said something once that I totally agreed with... That these types are normally compulsive liars too.

Might be a stab in the dark here but could you say any of these partners showed signs of being dishonest in any way early on, even with tiny things?

Sorry you've had such awful luck with these clowns. I hope you're enjoying life now without them :)

Very interesting question that you've asked I am intrigued to see what people say.

I did online dating and ended up being "love bombed" by a man. He would ring me constantly, first thing in the morning and last thing at night. We met up and he was all over me, talking about going on holiday, how much I would love where he lived and how much he would like to come and stay with me etc'. How we were soul mates and he absolutely loved me.

I Googled him. What a shock. Been married 3 times (told me only once); had a child (no mention of children); IMPLIED he owned his house and I found out it was rented. He was just lining me up as wife no.4 (knew I had my own house etc). I dumped him but he did not take it well.

I am very, very wary of men now. I would not entertain a relationship with someone who had nothing, not at our age (55-60 plus).

He would have been the classic cock lodger, at an age where he would want to retire, marry me and then divorce me and take me for half of everything that I owned whilst I carried on full time work and supporting him.

I think 6th sense is needed in most cases.

HI! I have experience from 'the other side' my DH was like you with his exP 14 years he put up with it, he paid for everything and when he finally stopped doing so she had an affair with her rich boss who she is now married to he has more 'plastic' money than DH (credit cards etc) hence why she had a child with him you know a nice 'safety net' it was so bad that when DH and her would argue he would say 'what can I do to make you talk to me again' and after 2 weeks she would send him a designer hand bag....

ANYWAY.... when DH and I got together he told me all of this and said he wanted us to be equal and if I wasn't happy with that to leave the relationship, so we go half on bills/food shop etc... but DH does pay for holidays and saving but i always pay for meals etc on holidays tell next DP straight from the beginning and never let yourself get in that situation again xx

Ooh I almost had a cocklodger once. He started moving stuff into my nice flat, little carrier bags of underwear etc. I asked him WTF it was and why was it in my flat? I ended up driving to his mum's and dumping the whole lot on her doorstep. Turned out he was a very sad little guy with multiple issues (physical and mental)

Yes, I agree that lazy people, those who want to take the easy way out and have a quiet life, are also liars. They have to be to avoid being rumbled.

OP, do you have conversations with any of your ex-es where things they say don't seem to add up and you start to doubt what he said or think you must have heard wrongly.

Could you talk to your exes about money? Could you sit down and talk about salaries and how to divide money? I think that’s really important. If you can set out a financial plan and talk to your p if you feel uncomfortable about something, that’s a good sign.

Yes the one I knew was a terrible liar. He lied about everything, had a whole world of back stories for every lie.

I have had the first and second kind on your list. It is a kind of financial abuse, I think.

No idea how to spot them. I am staying single just now

I've no useful advice to contribute, unfortunately, but I had to jump on the thread to say how much I love the term "cocklodger".

I had never heard it before getting on MN, and there's no equivalent term in American English, though we desperately need one.

I think they're comparatively rare in the US. I've never dated one and don't recall any friends who have either. So perhaps there's a cultural influence.

The best way to avoid them is don't live with a man. See them once or twice a week and insist on going halves.

Someone very close to me has had a cocklodger living with her for the past 6 years after a long time of being single. She’s out early In the morning and back late from work and still ends up cooking the evening meal. He gets up mid morning and does nothing, has no bills to pay, no cleaning or cooking and has use of her car whilst she is in work. She pays for holidays and gifts for his family. He is in “God’s pocket”
He tells her he is looking for work but we, her family don’t see this at all.
(He’s never really worked!). I don’t know you but I do know her very well and she is extremely guilable/trusting when it comes to men, (always has been) and she believes everything he says. He only has to praise her and she laps it all up, thinking highly of him.
We are concerned about it all but she seems so happy. I think the fact that she has a man trumps anything else.
Maybe ask a close friend or family this question as they may have their own ideas.

He kept pestering me to put my house in joint names by crying

Ok so now you know not to do things by emotional manipulation

I'm pretty good at avoiding cocklodgers. My advice:

1. You. Know your own finances, and your expectations around finances, very clearly. How much into savings? To fun spend? To service loans or mortgages? How are you finding retirement? Money should always be mentally allocated, so the cost of 'lending' a tenner feels like the cost that it is. Similarly with your expectations around shared finances - are you going to share? Proportionally? Keep your own? If you start deviating from your intention, for whatever reason, something is going wrong. (Related to this, if you can't maintain a boundary that you set for yourself, look up assertiveness self help, or therapy etc).
2. Them. Be completely open and clear with them about their financial situation, within a few months of getting together. You want pretty much full transparency. How much they earn, where it goes, what their plans for the future are etc. History of learning about managing their own money - how did they learn? Are they reckless or impulsive in other areas? Knowing someone is financially responsible is pretty much as important as knowing if they are regularly unfaithful. Obviously the key thing is not that they are rich, but that they can live within their means and are not expecting you to sub them. Also that they can afford to match your lifestyle to some extent (or are sufficiently gorgeous, amazing company and brilliant in bed to compensate. Mostly lighthearted, but the key thing is that you can make a decision based on the reality of their situation).
3. Any lying, misdirection, boundary pushing, late paying back, is a massive red flag. Address it directly and immediately. Doesn't need to be aggressive or hostile. 'You said you'd have that £20 last Friday. I'm now asking again. That's twice. I don't think you'd have raised it if I hadn't. What's going on? I don't want to feel like I'm chasing you for things to be financially fair. If you can't sort this out, it's a dealbreaker for me.' But if you've followed the above, frankly they'll have realised there's no mileage in financially exploiting you anyway. Good luck! It can be done.

HelmutFrontbut i sincerely wish I'd done that to a couple of men who did the same.

My problem? I lacked a criteria of what a partner should be like. When I learned to expect more from a partner and relationship, I got rid of the idiots early on. I also became more (much more!) assertive about my own money and space.

I had a Cocklodger but my mistake was having children with him so I still have one in a way!
I am happily married now and we are comfortable financially. ExP pays nothing and does anything he can to reduce his responsibility (think telling CMS about children that don't exist and hiding income etc). He now wants to live off me and new DH and has no embarrassment when he openly says that we love a good life and earn enough so why should he pay anything. Erm cos they are your kids! We split up over him being a cocklodger, he has always had an obsession with money. Thinks he has an entitlement to everybody else's money rather than earning his own. He lies constantly also. I caught him out many times and he still does it now. Presenting his best self and playing flash with borrowed money, just long enough for the next poor woman to be sucked in (and usually pregnant) and then BOOM! Cocklodger alert.

Also: don't tell them what you've got in assets and if they ask, point blank refuse. Say you don't want to discuss your finances. Then you can see how much they push it: if they redirect your boundaries, they're more likely to be ok.

I think the fact they kept banging on about how proud they were is a red flag! In the same way I've always found it's the guys who boast about being a "gentleman" who are always the worst...