To ask how to spot a skilled cocklodger

[mabeltulips]

Long time MNetter but n'cd for this!

When I first came across the word "cocklodger" on here it really made me laugh but I also feel uneasy because I've found myself saddled with three different cocklodgers in the last 18 years.

With each one, I'd never ever have predicted that's what they'd turn out to be, all of them acted as though they were very proud, insisted on paying me back for the smallest purchase like a grocery item, made grand statements about how hard they worked and how they aspired to be able to take care of me so we could have a comfortable life and so on.

The first one unexpectedly quit his job once we'd got married and I found myself financing him whilst he refused to get up off the sofa or stop playing video games. I worked double shifts until I realised he'd transferred my wages out of our joint account and divorced him.

The second earned far more than me, but after a few years I started to notice that I was paying for all our outgoings whilst he was "saving money for our future." Needles to say I never saw a penny of that and we broke up.

The third and the worst was my recent ExH. He was the most convincing- for the first few years he acted like butter wouldn't melt and was so proud. He'd insist on giving me £1 if I'd bought him a snack and so on. After we got married I found myself paying for more and more, at first i thought it's not worth an argument over a tenner, then I can't fall out with him over twenty quid and so on. I think he was very interested in the fact I'd inherited a flat and although I wasn't able to work ft due to health problems, I was financing us both. He kept pestering me to put my house in joint names by crying and saying he didn't feel we were equal. He tried very hard to get a lot of money out of me in our divorce even though we'd not been married long and had no DC. He also became very aggressive and started hanging around outside my house when he was told I wouldn't give him anything. If I asked for his contribution towards bills/food etc he would virtually throw the money at me and then refuse to speak to me for hours. If we ran out of things like milk or toilet roll he would wait however long it took for me to go out and replace them. He started to develop a taste for eating in expensive restaurants and holidays we couldn't afford and demanding I paid. Hence why he is ExH now.

I don't think cocklodgers are uncommon but I'm so worried about finding myself with someone like this again. I feel like I must be a complete mug or a weak person for this to have kept happening. I now struggle to trust people I meet who could be potential partners. I'm not a rich or flashy person so I don't know why I attract people like this. When you've been with someone for a number of years before they start to show these behaviours, how can you know? Perhaps there are red flags I've missed or ways to deter people like that from trying to get close? If anyone else has had experience of this please can you tell me what the red flags were and how long it took to be obvious?

''all of them acted as though they were very proud, insisted on paying me back for the smallest purchase like a grocery item, made grand statements about how hard they worked and how they aspired to be able to take care of me so we could have a comfortable life and so on.''

There's your red flags. They worked very hard to convince you they had a certain set of values.
How much did they talk about about managing money such as saving for a large purchase, or planning to make a big purchase?

Surely you should be able to read the signs now? Having said that it's taken me 2 bad men to hopefully be able to spot them in future. If you're a woman with money do not let them find out too soon if they haven't got their own money. Mine weren't cocklodgers as such (I take it means bone idle men who take financially), but they were both nasty pieces of work. Whether they are a proper cocklodger or not all these types are usually liars in some form or fantasists, crafty, scheming, bigging themselves up, there's always something.
I know 3 men who I've not lived with who are classic cocklodgers. One is bone idle. The other 2 have had sketchy work, but all 3 are compulsive liar's. So much so they got it off to such a fine art they are utterly convincing. Funny thing is I think it wont be too long before they are all rumbled. Trouble is they just start the whole charade again with someone else. So be on your guard ladies!

I think, someone who talks a lot about money early on in the relationship - even if they are just making a big deal about how they are generously buying you a drink/using petrol/treating you to something - I think that level of consciousness about money is a bad sign. Someone who makes a big thing of being generous early on is one to watch, as those first impressions stick and then they know that you will always have that idea of them as 'generous'.

On another note, someone I know got sucked in by someone at a counselling group, who was often in tears during sessions about the terrible state of her finances. Little did he know quite how much he would have to contribute over the next few years!

Signs from them: sob stories, ‘mental’ exs (you’ll notice none of their relationships seem to have come to a natural end or fizzled out, demonstrably proud (normal people dont talk about ‘I always pay my way’ or ‘I don’t play games’ because normally people dont think in those terms).

I think cocklodgers probably go for a certain type of person, the same way a con artist doesn’t go for a confident, assertive person who will call them out. They’re looking for someone who will be the passive one in the relationship, who is probably a bit insecure who they know will put up with their shit because they’d rather have a shit boyfriend than no boyfriend at all.

If you can become more assertive, as pp said ask for that £10 or £20 back, don’t let it slide then you’ll stop them in their tracks.

We all know someone who’s never been single since their teens but has a string of terrible boyfriends, it’s a certain personality type.

When I was 14 years old I worked all summer long in a B&B. I saved up £200 which was a lot of money in those days. My dad asked to borrow it to buy Christmas presents. What did I get for Christmas? A pair of 1.99 earrings. He never paid me back. He was the first and last man to ever take advantage of me financially. In a way, it was almost worth losing that 200 for the lesson I learned.

You need to be assertive from the get go. A man owes you £10? You ask for it back. If he spends a lot of time at your place you make sure he pays his share of food etc. He stops working, you give him 3 months to find another job or he’s out. You have to be a bit ruthless if you don’t want to fall prey to this type of man again. You keep up your own savings separate from any man. A relationship shouldn’t cost you money.

Yes but there's various types of cocklodging! There's the average woman who's not had any experience of them. Maybe not particularly well off but hard working and settled in their home. The man is certainly a charmer and good looking, so she thinks she's hit the jackpot.
He will then over time keep chipping away at the money until she realises it's nearly all gone then boots him out.

Then there's the wealthy vulnerable woman and he thinks he's hit the jackpot. The amount of money spent on him compared to the first scenario is much greater.

Then there's the wealthy women who are more savvy and just want the eye/arm candy and are prepared to pay shed loads of money, not bothered about it and enjoying themselves while it lasts.

I think the biggest sign is he moves in really quickly, if not officially he spends most of his time at yours. Stops taking you out on dates, but still goes out by himself. Is secretive (a lot of cocklodgers cheat as well).

Going back to the title a 'skilled' cocklodger - because of the different scenarios, to narrow it down, I suppose what a previous pp said. They are essentially a con artist. So whatever situation or type the woman is their sole purpose is to free load. A skilled cocklodger knows it will end sometime. He just plays his game until he's rumbled, then moves onto the next woman.

Op where are you meeting these men..e.g is it through friends and friends of friends?..down the pub?...if you are meeting them in similar situations then you need to look elsewhere for meeting men

Also since you have had such bad luck with men, you need to take strict control of your finances and take all that I want to take care of you crap with a pinch of salt

If you are dating and he forgets his wallet when you are both going somewhere ,turn around and go home and say we will have a quiet night at home instead,

If they ask you to buy something with your money for them and then pay you when you hand the snack over to them then they are messing with you (they had the money when they asked, yet they were testing to see if they could get you to use your money , so they could appear to be the gentleman and pay )...,if they ask for something from the shop, just say you only have enough for your item and ask for their money for their item...(it shows any potential cocklodgers you aren't going through this a fourth time)

When living together if the guy quits work and expects you to fund him, then kick him out...

Before marrying seeks legal advice to protect any money, and property, and do not give someone access to all your money as you have learned they will take it and run..

Im Sorry this has happened to you, but you are going to have to make rules and be tough otherwise then next one might take everything from you

I think I can see a few common themes between your three cocklodgers. The one that sticks out to me is the insistence on paying you back for very small purchases - it feels ostentatiously self serving and like they’re trying to present a specific image of themselves. Same with being “proud” etc. Bollocks are they!

I also think you need to realise that it’s your willingness to put up with it that’s kept you in it for so long. Stronger boundaries at the start and be willing to dump at the first sign.

I came across my first potential cocklodger a couple of years ago. What I noticed was unwillingness to reciprocate (e.g. having me round to his, arranging dates). Pretence of having funds at the very start and insistence at paying for small things quickly turned into sob stories about being unable to afford anything. Then the requests to borrow money started, but it wasn’t just money - he was my neighbour, so he’d be forever popping round to borrow washing powder, a toilet roll, pint of milk etc. He’d just take the whole box and I’d never see it again! I realised quite quickly that I was inadvertently subsidising his household goods, food etc. We were about 6/7 months in by this point. Sob stories had started around 4 months in, requests for cash etc around 5 months in. The amounts he wanted to borrow were getting bigger, and to start with he always paid it back. First time he didn’t repay me on the particular day he’d promised to, I started saying no to his requests for cash etc. Then came the apologies and sob stories again, but I still said no. Guess what? He suddenly decided that a relationship wasn’t right for him just now! And off he went.

Thinking about what I’d do differently, I’d never have lent him any money in the first place. He took advantage of me, but I also let him take advantage of me - I can control what I do but not what he does.

I always seem to attract men who don’t work. This has been the case from my very first boyfriend at 17. Of course they don’t say, I’m unemployed but over time I learn they are doing odd jobs cash in hand or ‘between jobs’ or extremely part-time then they give it up. I have always had a steady job in a profession and that is obviously why they choose me. I am on high alert these days and no one is sharing my money ever again.

Just to make another point, a woman doesn't have to be well off to be targeted by a cocklodger, my friend was cocklodged when she was a single parent on a part time minimum wage. He got free rent out of it and access to her child benefit which he used to manipulate out of her (money that should have been spent on things her children desperately needed). It was noticeable that this man had a pattern of dating single mothers.

In your case it might be they learn that you are reliable and generous and if they are lazy by nature, gradually they will take advantage of that.

Is there a female version.

Fannysquatter?

Well this is a revelation to me this morning although I'm sure it applies to both sexes 😁

Is there a female version. Golddiggers.

Yes I thought as one pp early thread said how funny the term sounded. Also wondered what the female version would be. Probably a cruder sounding version! Although the term 'gold digger' has been around donkeys years.

Although there are gold diggers, when it's the other way round, I feel women generally come off worse, because add the sex aspect to it and men are lapping it up while it lasts, but women feel more used perhaps? When it dawns on them what's happened.

I feel women generally come off worse
That depends on the individuals concerned, surely? We aren't all mentally or emotionally equipped to deal with sociopaths moving into our lives. I can imagine some men would be very hurt if they believed a woman was genuinely in love with them to discover they'd been exploited for financial gains.

I think that any relationship that moves quickly is a massive red flag, especially when there are kids involved. Most working adults will have emotional and financial commitments that mean that you should only be seeing each other once or twice a week maximum for months/years even. If you find that they are constantly at yours and have almost moved in by accident, then it's a massive red flag. You really need to take your time to get to know someone and moving in together should be a conscious decision with a proper adult conversation about finances before hand.

That said, I don't know why you have to live with everyone you date. We are so fortunate that we live in a time when we can define how our relationships will be without judgement. I love the idea of having someone to date on the weekend and to go on holiday with but each maintaining their own home. The perfect compromise!