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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say he can't come to my house?

54 replies

justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 16:29

I'm having two old colleagues round to my house tonight for drinks, they've just text and said another ex colleague has asked if they can come too? AIBU to say no?

Context and so I don't drip feed:

My partner is away for a week, they're skint, waiting for payday so I said to come to mine instead of pub, I've plenty of wine in anyways.
We normally meet at pub, and on a couple of occasions this guy has come along/asked to come along, they've messaged me to ask, and I've always said yes. Because no reasonable reason not to and excol's feel put on spot being asked in person.
None of us really like this guy. He's heavily in to drugs, likes to argue with people a lot, is one of those people you can't really get a word in edgeways with most of the time - so catching up with my old colleagues becomes impossible as he dominates the conversation and talks over us whenever we try and change subject. It's so draining.

Anyways, he was also accused of getting in to bed with a mutual friend of ours whilst they were asleep, not sure what happened - he admits getting into their bed but states that was all...

Anyways, I really don't like this guy and don't want him to come round to my house, know where I live and also know that I'll be alone for the next week. I may be over reacting but it's an old creaky house and I feel on edge when I'm by myself at the best of times haha... ridic I know.

So how can I message back no... I have to guess that this person might see my message back ...

OP posts:
Flairhead · 18/01/2019 16:31

Are you and your two colleagues female? If so could you pass it off as a girls night in?

Original poster
justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 16:32

1 male and 1 female... the male is gay but still don't think we could pull that off fairly!

OP posts:
JudasPrudy · 18/01/2019 16:32

Oh no sorry I was hoping it would just be us this evening..

RedPandaFluff · 18/01/2019 16:32

Are your two colleagues female? You could message back saying "I really need a girly night tonight, we can have ex-colleague over next time" . . . ?

RedPandaFluff · 18/01/2019 16:33

@Flairhead - cross post 😄

Original poster
justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 16:34

haha i like your thinking though red & flair

OP posts:
OyOy · 18/01/2019 16:35

"No x"

"No to ExColl but looking forward to seeing you and Othername at 7pm! x"

ForaSheepAsALamb · 18/01/2019 16:35

Just say you'd really like to catch up, just the three of us.

milienhaus · 18/01/2019 16:35

I think you aren’t unreasonable since it’s your house - maybe say you don’t have enough wine in for 4 / your living room gets super cramped with more than 3? Or be honest and say “I’m not crazy about having people I don’t know that well round to my house sorry”.

Ultimately it’s your colleagues who have to say no in person, you’re only saying no to them so not a personal rejection!

LittleScottieDog · 18/01/2019 16:36

It's absolutely fine to say no. They've asked, not just brought him along. Just say you'd rather it was just the two of them as it's at your house.

Bit odd you say none of you really like him yet they are asking if he can come along.

userschmoozer · 18/01/2019 16:36

None of you like him so its not fair of them to make you be the one to say no. I'd say 'no' and ask them not to tell him about your plans in future.

Bambamber · 18/01/2019 16:38

YANBU to say no. And you don't have to justify why either, you didn't invite him and you don't want him to do come

Original poster
justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 16:39

It is an awkward situation, they work with him but he is very direct. He will ask what we are doing and ask if he can join, and we don't feel very nice about saying no... so we don't. Just going to the pub, doesn't feel like there's any good reason to say no... other than we don't like him of course.

I'm not worried about my two friends being offended, more just him, and as I know he tends to be very argumentative, I am a bit scared of saying no to him.

OP posts:
PoppyField · 18/01/2019 16:39

You don’t even have to address this person. Just tell your old colleagues to tell him ‘no’. Their problem. They should have thwarted him at once, instead of saying they would ask you, which neartly handed you the burden of saying no.

I’d be a bit pissed off with them passing the buck...they would know you don’t like him, why did they tell him they would ask you on his behalf? They could easily have saved you this bother and anxiety.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 18/01/2019 16:40

Yanbu to say no.
I have to guess that this person might see my message back don't look for trouble; if he is so unpopular why would they let him read their messages?
Maybe one of them wants to host all 4. No? Thought not.

Squirrelblanket · 18/01/2019 16:40

You are not being unreasonable to say no. I have a colleague who sounds just like yours and will tag along if he finds out we're going for drinks. We'll put up with that but having him round my house would be a different matter.

I don't know how you can do it without it being obvious that you just don't want him there though.

Original poster
justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 16:40

think i'll go with milienhaus' response. seems fair!

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 18/01/2019 16:42

I would just send something fairly vague like 'oh sorry, don't think I can stretch to four, see you both later'. Could mean wine, food or space that way and no need for further explanation.

pfwow · 18/01/2019 16:44

Why are you scared though, if you don't work with him anymore?
Just write that sadly it's not possible tonight. You don't owe an explanation to anybody.

TBDO · 18/01/2019 16:44

Text ‘no, looking forward to having a catch up with you and (other colleague), see you at 7! xx’

No drama required. You don’t need to spend your life pleasing other people by doing things you don’t want to do. If you’d wanted him there, you’d have invited him initially. Cheeky of your friends to pass on the buck to you!

comebacksoonsusan · 18/01/2019 16:44

*You don’t even have to address this person. Just tell your old colleagues to tell him ‘no’. Their problem. They should have thwarted him at once, instead of saying they would ask you, which neartly handed you the burden of saying no.

I’d be a bit pissed off with them passing the buck...they would know you don’t like him, why did they tell him they would ask you on his behalf? They could easily have saved you this bother and anxiety.*

All of this basically.

comebacksoonsusan · 18/01/2019 16:44

Bold fail.

Original poster
justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 16:44

thanks @squirrelblanket glad you understand! it's really not as straight forward as not telling plans etc... when someone asks you face to face what you're doing and then you all leave work together at same time... if you're all of a sudden taking a different route home... he's the kind of person to ask why and not just drop it, i can't explain how intense this person is

OP posts:
TBDO · 18/01/2019 16:45

Don’t give any excuses s like not enough wine/food/whatever - so easy for people to argue against

Foodylicious · 18/01/2019 16:46

Definitely say no!
The fact that you sat you are a bit scared to, means you must!!
Why on earth would you have someone like this your house?

Get friends yo text Back.

" no sorry. See you at work."