Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To say he can't come to my house?

54 replies

justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 16:29

I'm having two old colleagues round to my house tonight for drinks, they've just text and said another ex colleague has asked if they can come too? AIBU to say no?

Context and so I don't drip feed:

My partner is away for a week, they're skint, waiting for payday so I said to come to mine instead of pub, I've plenty of wine in anyways.
We normally meet at pub, and on a couple of occasions this guy has come along/asked to come along, they've messaged me to ask, and I've always said yes. Because no reasonable reason not to and excol's feel put on spot being asked in person.
None of us really like this guy. He's heavily in to drugs, likes to argue with people a lot, is one of those people you can't really get a word in edgeways with most of the time - so catching up with my old colleagues becomes impossible as he dominates the conversation and talks over us whenever we try and change subject. It's so draining.

Anyways, he was also accused of getting in to bed with a mutual friend of ours whilst they were asleep, not sure what happened - he admits getting into their bed but states that was all...

Anyways, I really don't like this guy and don't want him to come round to my house, know where I live and also know that I'll be alone for the next week. I may be over reacting but it's an old creaky house and I feel on edge when I'm by myself at the best of times haha... ridic I know.

So how can I message back no... I have to guess that this person might see my message back ...

OP posts:

Original poster

justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 16:47

Thanks all.

I appreciate your points.
I'm not annoyed at my friends because I know what it's like with him...

I don't work with him anymore, but its highly unlikely that I wouldn't ever seem him again.

I'm not an argumentative or confrontational type, so it would send me into complete panic if he ever confronted me about this further down the line.

OP posts:

Starlight456 · 18/01/2019 16:49

Just say no . There’s to sort out how they address it.

Ultramic · 18/01/2019 16:50

Completely reasonable to not want someone in your home that you don't feel comfortable with.

I'd text 'No, maybe another time. Looking forward to seeing you and x though.' and leave it at that. You don't need to explain yourself at all!

Squirrelblanket · 18/01/2019 16:51

He definitely sounds like the bloke from my work!

Tentomidnight · 18/01/2019 16:52

Trust your instincts on thos.
Just text back “No to X, but teally looking forward to seeing you both x”
You don’t owe X an explanation, but if he asks for one in future, just say “ because.. this. You make me feel uncomfortable”

halfwitpicker · 18/01/2019 16:53

God he sounds awful

PinaColada1 · 18/01/2019 16:56

Fine to say no.

‘No sorry just you two if that’s okay. See you later!’

lumpsofitroundtheback · 18/01/2019 16:58

Can't you telephone your friend and speak to them direct instead of sending a message? Then it would be much easier to explain how uneasy he makes you feel, and you can tell them you really don't want him to know where you live.

They could always tell him that the evening is cancelled, or you are meeting at x place another day instead.

Chathamhouserules · 18/01/2019 16:58

Just say 'oh no, sorry bit awkward tonight'. Don't explain. And then if he asks later on say 'oh yes, I can't remember why it was awkward. I think I was expecting a big delivery or something so it would have been a bit of a squeeze.' Something non confrontational.

Jaxhog · 18/01/2019 17:00

You have to say no. If it won't offend your friends, then you shouldn't worry about offending this other person. Is he likely to try and tag along anyway? If he does, don't let him in.

In any case, only a pretty rude person invites themselves to a person's house via a third party. He has CF written all over him.

RuggerHug · 18/01/2019 17:01

If you think it's going to be awkward as hell for your 2 and he might read messages could you lie and say you only have enough wine and have cooked for the 3 of you. Once your friends arrive explain that it was to help them be not put on the spot?

1hello2hello · 18/01/2019 17:04

I am a bit scared of saying no to him

I agree it's a difficult position the other two have put you in but this is the reason you must say no.

Missingstreetlife · 18/01/2019 17:05

Don't make xcuses, just say no

CheesyWeez · 18/01/2019 17:06

SAY you're not well, cancel it, but let your friends know it's not cancelled and they're to come round anyway.

Beamur · 18/01/2019 17:06

If it all going to be too much of a pain, cancel the whole thing. Then rearrange and tell your friends you don't want X invited, so they need not to tell him.

MumW · 18/01/2019 17:06

How about a simple, "No, not this time". Or even "No, it doesn't work for me this time"

Original poster

justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 17:08

Thing is, I don't even have to explain to my friends, they'll absolutely know why. Well, at least that I wouldn't want him there, as it always ruins the chance to have an actual catch up. But they'll understand I'd be uncomfortable too even if that doesn't immediately spring to mind for them.

Anyways, I've messaged
I've text "No, I’m not crazy about having people I don’t know that well round to my house sorry...looking forward to see you two x"

I like the response of no, sorry bit awkward tonight, and then forgetting why... that fits in perfectly well with my forgetfulness of another conversation I had with him once. Wish I'd seen that before I sent the message.

OP posts:

couchparsnip · 18/01/2019 17:08

No don't lie or he might say - Oh I'll just bring wine/food or whatever. That would be more awkward. Just say you'd rather not have him round.

couchparsnip · 18/01/2019 17:09

X post. Thats a good text

Miane · 18/01/2019 17:10

Personally I’d be saying no to the pub too on the basis of this:

None of us really like this guy. He's heavily in to drugs, likes to argue with people a lot

All you need to say is “no thanks, let’s just keep it to the three of us as planned”.

If in future he asked why he wasn’t included you just smile sweetly and say “because I didn’t want to”.

He’s rude, you don’t need to worry about being rude back.

You can say anything you like if you smile while you say it.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 18/01/2019 17:15

Good message. Do not back down. This is your home, you're allowed to forbid entry to anyone you see fit for any reason.

Original poster

justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 17:17

Miane "You can say anything you like if you smile while you say it. "
Ha an old boss of mine said this to me once, and I liked the idea of it until I watched them walk around and say really horrible things to people.
Like reducing me to tears when I came in without makeup one day and she told me I looked like shit without makeup, go and sort myself out...
It's put me off the saying but maybe I'll try it sometime...

OP posts:

Penguincake · 18/01/2019 17:18

Wow we women are really socialised to be polite, aren't we? Your creep radar is going off but you still want to be polite. You do not have any reason to let a man into your house that you do not like. You do not need a reason.

Drum2018 · 18/01/2019 17:18

How did he even find out about the evening at your house? Next time he asks anyone what they are doing for the evening let them say they are visiting their mother/brother/granny whatever. Just don't have them tell him any plans from now on. If he does show up grab your coat and say right lets go for that one drink we had planned, have a drink in your local and go home alone. The others should really not have given him any opportunity to invite himself along.

Original poster

justonemoreminutepls · 18/01/2019 17:18

I need to learn to be more direct and assertive and care less about being rude to people who obviously don't care about being rude to me. Lesson learnt.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3