To moan about my husband?

[AnotherOriginalUsername]

Semi light hearted, he's a good husband and a fantastic father...

But today is my 30th birthday. I don't celebrate my birthday in any major way but I kind of expected a little more.

We're feeling the pinch at the moment, I'm on maternity leave, having had our first baby 7 weeks ago. My husband is the most hands on, doting father and as a result I'm probably the least sleep deprived new mum there has ever been.

He asked me a few weeks ago what I wanted for my birthday. I wanted a book, so sent him a link to Amazon and he said he'd get it. He did get it and asked if I wanted it when it arrived or did I want it on my birthday. I told him to wrap it and I'll practice my surprised face. I reminded him a couple of days ago that I'd been practicing my surprised face and that the wrapping paper and sellotape were in the drawer in the living room.

For Christmas, from our son, I got him some Peppa pig Daddy pig socks and boxers (bit of a running joke, we can't stand Peppa pig and have vowed never to let our son know what it is) and a personalised "world's best daddy love from baby's name" pint glass. He also had a "to daddy" Christmas card in which I'd drawn around baby's hand (ever tried doing that with a 3 week old baby? It's hard! But husband loved it). I kind of thought I'd set the bar a little bit in terms of child to parent gifts there. I didn't receive anything from baby for Christmas.

At the weekend we met up with some antenatal class couples. We discussed first Christmases and one of the guys admitted that he had forgotten to get a gift from the baby to his wife. All the guys told him what a mistake he'd made etc. All jokingly but the sentiment was there.

So this morning arrives. My book is still in the Amazon box where it was left when it arrived 2 weeks ago. He left for work with a "you know where your book is". I'm not bothered about that, I don't expect to be lavished with gifts, it's just the lack of effort. No gift or even a card "from" the baby. I know he's stressed about money with me on maternity pay but we're not that hard up and let's be honest, how expensive or difficult is it to get some paint and so some handprints on a bit of card and fold it in half?

So do I just forget about it and accept that despite being a good husband and the most amazing father, he always has been and always will be a bit shit in the gift giving department, or do I tell him how unappreciated I feel given that he couldn't put a tiny bit of effort in?

YANBU about the lack of effort. It's really Piss poor he didn't even take it out of the box and really lazy when you asked him to wrap it that he didn't.

YABU to expect a gift or card form the baby, do people really do that? I mean I know it's cute but it's. A bit weird to expect that, Mother's Day yes, but a gift from the baby for all other celebrations is a bit cringe worthy. But ... we are all different and what works for one family won't for another. I think if you expect gifts from the child/children then you need to talk to your husband and explain you want that, because I don't think it's necessarily the done thing for everyone.

My husband is like this and to be honest I've just accepted it, after all if you have to tell them to do it, it removes the value. Over the years I've turned it into a joke (with the help of my now adult children) and we supply him with the requisite gifts.
I do think this kind of stuff is much more important to women.
It's a man thing.
If that's his only fault, try not to sweat it.

That’s a shame and I suspect that he will look back and wish that he had been more thoughtful.
I’d try not to take offence, you are both getting used to parenthood and are bound to drop a ball occasionally.
Unless he has form for this?

I have a husband like you, hands on but no real thought into the little things - on my 1st Mother's Day he bought his mum a beautiful bunch of flowers and card and didn't even think about me, really didn't occur to him as I wasn't his mum😂. He learnt then but still hasn't been great at occasions. On the other hand, he is really generous, will buy random presents/ cook me a lovely meal for no particular reason other than he knows I do a lot for him and our dcs. I think occasions stress him out a little, and we don't want to spend loads of money unnecessarily therefore we have kind of agreed over the years that we don't go crazy/ expect loads from each other for occasions - Id much rather he was hands on generally than big gestures.

It's a man thing.

See this excuse all the time on here. It’s not a ‘man thing’, women are not genetically prepositioned to give more of a shit about making an effort. Men are conditioned from a young age not to bother, as they saw their mothers ‘do all that’. The cycle will never break if women just shrug and go ‘ah that’s what men are like’.

Op, there’s only one way to deal with this, and that’s to tell him in future you expect more effort. Spending a quid on a card and a nice message is nothing, but obviously would have meant a lot to you. It doesn’t need to be an argument, just say ‘this is what I expect for mother’s day in couple of months’ for example.

Why would you get a card from the baby?

too easy to excuse men for thoughtless behaviour, sometimes they do need a nudge to get things done, but the thing is a lot of women [and on here] race around doing things on behalf of their men folk buying birthday cards, presents etc for family members etc. 'otherwise it won't get done' like wise the faff around christmas whoever said women had to sort stuff out ? it's good to hand this stuff over to men sometimes and if it doesn't get done will the sky fall ? if they think they can get away with not doing sweet fa they will, get 'em trained, sons too as you do not do future dw / dg any favours then they will be on mn moaning about thoughtless men again.

It's not 'a man thing' that is a poor excuse use.
Using my dh as an example, we've had four children and whilst during early days he was never able to always be fully hands on due to work commitments, he always managed to do & get something from him and the children until they were old enough to want to do it themselves . Even in a very tough period when were both unexpectedly out of work for a couple of years. I don't think it would be unreasonable of you to have a chat and mention how this has made you feel. Any caring self respecting partner would have a doh! moment for not realising how important it was to you even if not to them.

Your husband is showing you love and respect with his general behaviour. He sounds lovely, please don’t wish for things that actually don’t matter

Yeah I'd be pretty pissed off. It's your 30th birthday! He could easily have stretched to some nice flowers (Tesco/M&S do lovely bunches for £10 - not interflora overpriced shite) and a card.

And I never got cards from my babies to give to my DH.

It's not a man thing either! My other half really makes an effort on special occasions.

Ha a ‘man thing’ my husband is excellent at wrapping presents. For everyone else except me. He can’t be bothered OP. Tell him you couldn’t find your wrapped present and assumed that couldn’t possibly be your present as it’s still in an amazon box. Have a joke about it or whatever but I’d say something. Obviously don’t stress too much about it as it sounds like overall he’s a good guy and there is more to life but I do find that the more you let this stuff slide the more resentment builds up and it’s not great in a relationship.
My husband still fails miserably on my birthday but I’ve found he’s gotten better after I’ve sorted my own birthdays out and left him at home with dd. All of a sudden my birthday was top priority when he realised I wasn’t going to wait and be taken for granted. Next year don’t you worry you’ll have some time on your hands with baby being older. Happy birthday 🎈

I'm still waiting for my present from October.
It was that moment when DS handed me cards from him and dh and said "we haven't got you a present" - in front of visitors

The effort on behalf of himself is rubbish. But you're sad because he didn't get you something from a 7wk old baby?? That's just ridiculous.

Until a child is old enough to want to get something from themselves, it is just meaningless and an excuse either to get more presents or 'test' your OH. I do think a present from you of handprints etc is lovely - but to pretend it's from the baby? Just silly.

It's also not something that everyone does (or hopefully many people at all...) so to expect it without telling him is setting yourself up for disappointment.

I've never wanted or expected anything from my young DC. DD told DH that she wanted help getting something for my 40th when she was 10yo. They went to the shops together and she chose and paid for a very cheap bracelet with her saved up pocket money. I treasure that in a way I never would for just another gift from DH with her name on the gift tag.

Re: gift/card "from" baby, it's an easy option surely? It's like when you take up a new hobby and it gives an opportunity for a whole new range of gift giving. Like I said it's not difficult to stick some hand prints on a bit of card and fold it in half and scribble a message inside, or to stick a photo in a frame. We've been together 10 years, I get that it gets more difficult to buy gifts as time goes on, I struggle with him but I always make an effort.

I have however, just discovered that I have his credit card....

he always has been and always will be a bit shit in the gift giving department

So why would you expect him to be different now? He asked you what you wanted, then bought it for you. Say thank you!

No gift or even a card "from" the baby

URGH. A 7-week old can't buy a bloody present, and I find the idea that your husband 'should' pretend he can quite repellant/childish. But that's just my opinion...

A 7-week old can't buy a bloody present, and I find the idea that your husband 'should' pretend he can quite repellant/childish. But that's just my opinion...

The op obviously doesn’t though. She did similar for her husband for Christmas, so evidently thinks these kind of things are sweet from her perspective. Quite frankly, after 9 months of pregnancy and these early few weeks with a newborn and readjusting life in a big way, a bit of recognition (even a silly card from a child who has no idea what’s going on) wouldn’t be amiss. It’s not about personal opinions, it’s about recognising what others see as ‘making an effort’.

Look up the five Love Languages. It sounds as though your love language is receiving gifts, whilst his is service. Neither is wrong, you're just different.

FWIW my DP is good at buying presents (he's really proud he has already bought and wrapped my birthday presents three weeks early, and is desperate for me to open them) but I'll never hear him tell me he loves me.

I don't get the buying cards/ gifts thing from children for each other for any occasion.
My husband is a fantastic dad, husband and man. Right down to wiping my arse and changing my sanitary wear when I had a full cast on my dominant arm.
All that to me was worth far more than anything money can buy.

We do buy each other birthday and Xmas gifts though, just not from the kids.

If you are feeling under valued tell him.
Have the conversation that in the grand scheme of things it isn’t a big deal but your whole world has changed since the baby, his will have but not to the same extent and he probably just doesn’t realise. You need to spell it out.

It’s the little things that make you feel valued.

If you hadn’t had a baby how would you have celebrated your 30th? It is a milestone and isn’t less significant because you are a mother now.

This was what I came down to on my 30th birthday. I'd never had a dressing table before. It's not a 'man thing' whatsoever.

I bet looselips picture makes you feel a whole lot better hey OP?

So why would you expect him to be different now? He asked you what you wanted, then bought it for you. Say thank you!

Look up the five Love Languages. It sounds as though your love language is receiving gifts, whilst his is service. Neither is wrong, you're just different.

That's not my issue, my issue is the lack of effort. I sent him a link to the Amazon page, he pressed two buttons, it was delivered to the door and it's still sat in the box it arrived in 2 weeks ago, he couldn't even be bothered to physically hand it to me this morning, never mind wrap it. This morning I got "you know where your book is, it isn't wrapped because" and gestured to the baby. Yes he works (9-5), yes he does the night shift 9pm-1am so I can get some sleep, but he has more spare time than I do and yet I still manage to shop, sterilise bottles, do laundry, attend appointments, cook, clean etc with a baby in tow.

She did similar for her husband for Christmas, so evidently thinks these kind of things are sweet from her perspective.

And he loves stuff like that. He's incredibly sentimental, I just don't get how he can't see that it can easily be given as well as received.

If you hadn’t had a baby how would you have celebrated your 30th? It is a milestone and isn’t less significant because you are a mother now.

I don't celebrate usually. It's January, everyone is either skint/miserable/on a diet/all of the above and growing up my birthday was never really a thing anyway. In fact beyond my husband's half assed efforts, no one else even seems to have remembered this year.