To moan about my husband?

[AnotherOriginalUsername]

Semi light hearted, he's a good husband and a fantastic father...

But today is my 30th birthday. I don't celebrate my birthday in any major way but I kind of expected a little more.

We're feeling the pinch at the moment, I'm on maternity leave, having had our first baby 7 weeks ago. My husband is the most hands on, doting father and as a result I'm probably the least sleep deprived new mum there has ever been.

He asked me a few weeks ago what I wanted for my birthday. I wanted a book, so sent him a link to Amazon and he said he'd get it. He did get it and asked if I wanted it when it arrived or did I want it on my birthday. I told him to wrap it and I'll practice my surprised face. I reminded him a couple of days ago that I'd been practicing my surprised face and that the wrapping paper and sellotape were in the drawer in the living room.

For Christmas, from our son, I got him some Peppa pig Daddy pig socks and boxers (bit of a running joke, we can't stand Peppa pig and have vowed never to let our son know what it is) and a personalised "world's best daddy love from baby's name" pint glass. He also had a "to daddy" Christmas card in which I'd drawn around baby's hand (ever tried doing that with a 3 week old baby? It's hard! But husband loved it). I kind of thought I'd set the bar a little bit in terms of child to parent gifts there. I didn't receive anything from baby for Christmas.

At the weekend we met up with some antenatal class couples. We discussed first Christmases and one of the guys admitted that he had forgotten to get a gift from the baby to his wife. All the guys told him what a mistake he'd made etc. All jokingly but the sentiment was there.

So this morning arrives. My book is still in the Amazon box where it was left when it arrived 2 weeks ago. He left for work with a "you know where your book is". I'm not bothered about that, I don't expect to be lavished with gifts, it's just the lack of effort. No gift or even a card "from" the baby. I know he's stressed about money with me on maternity pay but we're not that hard up and let's be honest, how expensive or difficult is it to get some paint and so some handprints on a bit of card and fold it in half?

So do I just forget about it and accept that despite being a good husband and the most amazing father, he always has been and always will be a bit shit in the gift giving department, or do I tell him how unappreciated I feel given that he couldn't put a tiny bit of effort in?

buy your presents from him. if they r too expensive then let him learn.......

Ask him if he doesn't want to do gifts from the baby, make sure he realises that he won't get those gifts from you either and make sure you mention that it's about showing thought and effort both for his wife and the mother of his child while your DS is still too young.

If he loves stuff like that he should want to reciprocate, he can't expect to receive a different level of effort on special occasions if he's not willing to do the same.

You do need to talk about it or he'll never know and it won't get better.

How is he with giving gifts at other points in the year, and for other people? For example, who did the family gifts for his side this Christmas, from buying to wrapping and sending?

If he never bothers at all, then the problem has been deep set for years. He needs to recognise that these aren’t ‘your’ jobs, and future options are he puts as much sentimental value into your gift giving as you do him/family, or you both don’t do it at all and avoid hurt feelings.

If he seems to put effort into others, but not you (possibly on this occasion because you never usually make a ‘fuss’ of your birthday), that shows he does have the intuition to do so, and has no excuse to not do the same for you.

Sorry if you’ve said this but did he get you a card from himself even? Was it literally just the box?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and if it was me I’d be really upset (although I am irrationally emotional about my own birthday so my opinion might be skewed!)

Can you get out today and have a nice lunch? Even if it’s just a nice roll and cake from the bakery, just so it’s something different from a normal day.

You have a loving husband and a wonderful father to your dc.
That's what many people dream of.
Come on OP,count your blessings.
Would you rather a wrapped gift and a baby card than the everyday love and support you get?
Nobody can have it all.
Instead of "I haven't got" try "look at all I have in my life"it will make you happier for sure.
Happy Birthday 🎂

In the gentlest possible way I think you are being unreasonable. He got you the gift you asked for even though money is tight. I think it is unfair to dismiss his comments that this year is a bit of a write off because of a new baby. If he is working full time and doing half the night shift he will be knackered, just as you are. Being a fantastic father is far more important and he is showing you love every day. But I do understand these things aren’t always rational, I have been there on birthdays etc and been a bit disappointed, but he sounds like a good un. Happy birthday and congrats on your baby!

How is he with giving gifts at other points in the year, and for other people? For example, who did the family gifts for his side this Christmas, from buying to wrapping and sending?

He does because I make him do it himself. He's a grown man and I've got enough to be doing. It has taken me pretty much all of the 10 years that we've been together to convince him that just because his mum says she doesn't want anything for mother's Day, it doesn't mean that she wouldn't appreciate the gesture. I guess when it comes to my birthday, there's no one to hold him at gunpoint prompt him to pull his finger out.

In the past he's managed to really impress me of his own accord. A few years back I attempted to join the police (successful but ultimate rejected on medical grounds following a very badly timed cardiac diagnosis). When I passed all the written assessments, interviews and fitness tests, he got me a card (which he modified as it's a pretty niche occasion for a congratulations card) and doughnuts so I could start practising being a police officer which was really sweet. For our wedding anniversary he was going to drive a 150 mile round trip to get me a specific take away that I've wanted for the last 8 years since I moved from that city (only they closed 3 months before )

Sorry if you’ve said this but did he get you a card from himself even? Was it literally just the box?

No card.

Can you get out today and have a nice lunch? Even if it’s just a nice roll and cake from the bakery, just so it’s something different from a normal day.

I'm meeting a friend this afternoon for coffee. Think it's a coincidence, she works a half day on a Friday and happens to be in my town. She's a relatively new friend and I don't think she even knows when my birthday is. But there'll be a few coffees and definitely some cake and I'll be using his card to pay for it.

I think it is unfair to dismiss his comments that this year is a bit of a write off because of a new baby.

Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to remove it from the box and physically give it to me, rather than a throwaway "you know where it is" we he walks out the door to work?

Of course I appreciate what he does for us, and I make sure he knows it. But it really is a poor excuse to say he hasn't had time to remove a book from a box when our baby is as good as gold, sleeps well and quite happily entertains himself in his baby gym for a good 20-30 minutes at a time.

Hmmmm, I would wait till tonight just in case he comes back with something else....(I live in hope). If he doesn't use the credit card to order yourself some flowers to be delivered - in keeping with what you can afford....postal flowers can be good value. When they arrive just tell him baby bought them for you for your birthday. (My oh is terrible at gifts.... great every other way...I'm resigned to it.)

My husband is the most hands on, doting father and as a result I'm probably the least sleep deprived new mum there has ever been.

Sleep is the best present anyone could give me at this stage of motherhood, so in your shoes I'd be focusing on how amazing this is rather than the lack of presentation of a book that you'd already played down.

Would you rather a wrapped gift and a baby card than the everyday love and support you get?
Nobody can have it all.

Er, what? How is having a supporting partner AND a birthday card way too much to ask? Fuck me, we set the barrier low.

Perhaps not @fairenuff but I was pointing out that not all men are fucking useless and it's not a man thing. If you read what was beside the picture then you would grasp that. PPs have also expressed the differences in which their partners treat them on special occasions.
OP if I've upset you then I apologise, maybe my DP is a minority. Buy yourself something nice or do something lovely with your baby.

Yes he works (9-5), yes he does the night shift 9pm-1am so I can get some sleep, but he has more spare time than I do and yet I still manage to shop, sterilise bottles, do laundry, attend appointments, cook, clean etc with a baby in tow

And this....wow!

I agree it isn't a 'man thing'. It is a thing thought and I have it! I am terrible, completely dreadful at presents and the fact that I know it makes it even worse because I just feel awful and apologetic about it. I've tried to get better at it but I just find present giving so difficult. DH on the other hand is really good at presents but even he forgot to get me a card (weren't going presents for each other just for toddler DS) this Christmas. It's mad with a baby and it's so easy for everything else to just get pushed to the back of your brain!

For our wedding anniversary he was going to drive a 150 mile round trip to get me a specific take away that I've wanted for the last 8 years since I moved from that city (only they closed 3 months before sad )
Really!!! I think that's mad. I wouldn't want that at all! It sounds like he's amazing present giver... maybe he's more knackered than he's letting on.

What plans do you have this evening for celebrating your 30th?

Really!!! I think that's mad. I wouldn't want that at all! It sounds like he's amazing present giver... maybe he's more knackered than he's letting on.

It is mad and it was a very surprising one off that was all his idea although it never happened (gutted, it was a very specialist place and I've never known anywhere like it before or since!)

What plans do you have this evening for celebrating your 30th?

Absolutely none

And I forgot to say Happy Birthday Op.

I honestly don't think you're being unreasonable. Some people seem to have low expectations. My DH did a similar night shift with a newborn, I still only managed to sleep in 2 hour increments whilst he got unbroken sleep once the baby was down, and while I realised that it was above and beyond what most men are expected to do, he also realised that getting 6 hours of broken sleep was not my favourite part of motherhood and expected to share and relieve some of that burden as his job as a father.

You set the bar with the gifts from DS, he should be expected to uphold that. Let alone his poor performance on giving you his gift. You have every right to feel unhappy.

I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and that he somehow pulls through for you.

It’s not a man thing. I’m much lazier about presents etc than my DH.

I don’t think you ought to be taking responsibility for him giving presents to his friends/family. Let him do it. It’s not your job.

I don’t think you’re U exactly, I’d be disappointed too, but I think you’re making too much of it. Also the day is not over yet. If nothing else materialises, why not have a chat with him about it? Tell him how you feel. He genuinely might have no idea.

I think you should forget about the presents/cards from the baby. If you want to do this for him that’s fine, but ‘setting the bar’ for what you expect from him? A bit U.

Have a lovely day, and think about whether this is worth being upset about in the context of your overall relationship. I’m not saying it isn’t, necessarily, but only you know your DH here, we don’t.

I honestly don't think you're being unreasonable. Some people seem to have low expectations. My DH did a similar night shift with a newborn, I still only managed to sleep in 2 hour increments whilst he got unbroken sleep once the baby was down, and while I realised that it was above and beyond what most men are expected to do, he also realised that getting 6 hours of broken sleep was not my favourite part of motherhood and expected to share and relieve some of that burden as his job as a father.

Exactly, we had a child knowing that he was equally wanted, equally created and would be equally looked after. I don't know why some people (women?) find that remarkable. I can't argue that my life isn't made significantly easier by the fact that he's bottle fed (not through choice) although expressing is a chore. But whilst 9pm-1am sounds great, it takes me an hour or so to switch off and actually fall asleep, and then when baby wakes for feeding and inevitably cries (husband isn't great at spotting the earlier cues just yet), that wakes me up again. Whereas when husband is asleep, he manages to switch off and sleep throughout whatever goes on.

This is one of those get a grip threads.

I’m a single parent. My DS is 11 and the only present I’ve had to date is a bar of Dairy Milk, that he later got in a strop and demanded back.

OP you’re DH doesn’t need to prove your baby appreciates you, and he doesn’t need to prove he appreciates you via the baby. As long as your DH loves and takes care of the both of you that’s enough, and it’s a lot more than a lot of women get.

Keep things straight forward, then nobody gets confused, and nobody gets upset about things the other is magically expected to know but doesn’t.

Having a baby is bloody hard, as you know. There will be plenty of better birthdays, I promise.

Peppa pig and have vowed never to let our son know what it is

Come back in three years and say that!!!!

I have four DC and have never had a gift from them (they’re aged between 11 weeks and 8). I wouldn’t expect DP to get me a gift ‘from the baby’ and don’t know anyone that does this.

YANBU to be pissed off at the lack of effort though. “You know where your book is” is harsh, it would have taken him two minutes to wrap it and to order a card on moonpig.

YANBU. Also, in my family/friend circle a card from the baby is done often so it's not weird or rare as people are suggesting. I would be disappointed - not wrapping it is PURE laziness, no excuse.