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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

was i inappropriate to ask this question?

46 replies

getawayslough · 17/01/2019 20:06

a few years ago me and some mates from uni were in the canteen one lunchtime and another member of the class who we kind of knew and we'd chat to came to the table. We were not rreally matey with her with her as she was older, married with kids and from another country/culture and was a quiet sort and just different to us and in her own group with other mature students in the course but we'd still say hi to her and make small talk to her when we saw her...

Anyway 1 day she was at our table and all the gang said 'oh we are so sorry to hear about your mum, that is so awful.'' And I had no idea what had happened so I asked her ''did your mum ass away?'' and she said no she is sick and i just offered my sympathies.

When she left the table they rebuked me for asking the question as it was ''inappropriate'' but I really didn't see the deal as i thought by the way they were going on she had died and was just going to offer my condolences with them. I thought their reaction was absurd and that I'd done nothing wrong, wibu?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2019 20:08

Did this happen a few years ago or am I reading it wrong?

Original poster
getawayslough · 17/01/2019 20:09

meant to say a few weeks ago but time here is irrelevant really.

OP posts:
Ohnonotuagain · 17/01/2019 20:11

It happened weeks ago, why a 're you still worrying about it now? Move on.

WantRapunzelLocks · 17/01/2019 20:11

Personally I would have gave sympathetic looks and asked my friends when she had left.

PurpleDaisies · 17/01/2019 20:12

I don’t think time is irrelevant. It’s been a long time. Why is it still bothering you so much?

BasinHaircut · 17/01/2019 20:12

Inappropriate is the wrong word but it was quite a ‘foot in mouth’ thing to say. Very blunt.

I don’t think it’s the sort of thing anyone should be publicly pulling you up on though. It’s your choice whether you put your foot in your mouth so to speak!

Bennyismydog · 17/01/2019 20:12

If it was a few years ago why are you bothered about it now?

I guess it boils down to, would you want someone you didn’t really know or speak to asking if you mum had passed away if she was ill?

I personally wouldn’t have asked no, I’d also probably feel like you were a bit nosy/gossipy for asking if I was her.

I know some people share things for support but usually it’s up to them to break it to whoever they want however they want.

Thisonewilldo · 17/01/2019 20:13

I don't think you did anything wrong OP. Did the lady seem offended or upset?

Original poster
getawayslough · 17/01/2019 20:13

''Personally I would have gave sympathetic looks and asked my friends when she had left.''

i was going to do that but thought it might have been rude, i just don't get why they were so angry at me asking it...

OP posts:
BadMoodBoard · 17/01/2019 20:15

We were not rreally matey with her with her as

she was older
married with kids
from another country/culture
was a quiet sort
just different to us
in her own group with other mature students

WTF???

Original poster
getawayslough · 17/01/2019 20:16

no she was fine with the question, i just don't see what the issue was with the question. They were all symathising with her over her mum so I naturally asked had her mum passed away. If it was me in the situation I'd have no problem with the question.

OP posts:
TheShiteRunner · 17/01/2019 20:17

Yeah I think it was inappropriate. If your mother was dying, it wouldn't be nice to be asked if she had died, and that could well be the case here.
Your reasons for not being matey with her are a bit dodgy too imo.

SummerStrong · 17/01/2019 20:18

Surely you could have deduced from the comment and her response that her mother wasn't dead?

I think asking was a bit blunt.

cushioncovers · 17/01/2019 20:18

I wouldn't of asked her I would of asked a friend when she had left.

cushioncovers · 17/01/2019 20:20

*We were not rreally matey with her with her as

she was older
married with kids
from another country/culture
was a quiet sort
just different to us
in her own group with other mature students*

This is odd ^^

ProfessorCustard · 17/01/2019 20:21

I don't consider it foot in mouthy at all. You did nothing wrong.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 17/01/2019 20:23

The reasons for not being that matey with her are far more inappropriate than your question; though the question wasn’t great either.

Original poster
getawayslough · 17/01/2019 20:24

we never excluded her or anything from our group, she sat with us at times but she just never really engaged with us as she was quite, not really sociable and a very devout religious type....no malice or anything and she was lovely but i don't think she enjoyed our convos etc

OP posts:
lunar1 · 17/01/2019 20:24

It's a bit odd overall really, yes it's inappropriate but that sounds like the tip of the iceberg with you!

Pachyderm1 · 17/01/2019 20:27

It was too blunt and too casual a question in my opinion. However, it wasn’t that bad and I wouldn’t still worry about it now.

burritofan · 17/01/2019 20:28

If, in the years my mum was severely ill, some rando I wasn't matey with had blurted out a question like that I would have been incredibly upset.

Why did you think you needed to ask? If you didn't know what was going on and no one was enlightening you, perhaps it wasn't your business.

Sparklesocks · 17/01/2019 20:30

I don’t really understand why the context of her being older and from a different culture is relevant here but as PP have said it was a few weeks ago now, not worth worrying about.

Holidayshopping · 17/01/2019 20:31

we never excluded her or anything from our group, she sat with us at times but she just never really engaged with us as she was quite, not really sociable and a very devout religious type....no malice or anything and she was lovely but i don't think she enjoyed our convos etc

I presume from the past tense in your posts that this all did happen a few years rather than weeks ago. What an odd thing to still be on your mind.

ChristmasSnow · 17/01/2019 20:31

Are you a child OP?

BoomBoomsCousin · 17/01/2019 20:32

It's a very straightforward question. I wouldn't find it inappropriate, she didn't find it inappropriate.

Sounds like your friends might find it inappropriate though, so you might want to be less straightforward with them and gossip about them behind their backs to find out what's going on instead - since that's, apparently, their preferred way of doing things. Or find friends who don't chastise you for perfectly ordinary conversation.