was i inappropriate to ask this question?

[getawayslough]

a few years ago me and some mates from uni were in the canteen one lunchtime and another member of the class who we kind of knew and we'd chat to came to the table. We were not rreally matey with her with her as she was older, married with kids and from another country/culture and was a quiet sort and just different to us and in her own group with other mature students in the course but we'd still say hi to her and make small talk to her when we saw her...

Anyway 1 day she was at our table and all the gang said 'oh we are so sorry to hear about your mum, that is so awful.'' And I had no idea what had happened so I asked her ''did your mum ass away?'' and she said no she is sick and i just offered my sympathies.

When she left the table they rebuked me for asking the question as it was ''inappropriate'' but I really didn't see the deal as i thought by the way they were going on she had died and was just going to offer my condolences with them. I thought their reaction was absurd and that I'd done nothing wrong, wibu?

It sounds like you lack some social skills like tact and a failure to accept when you've erred. You don't seem very tolerant and inclusive of others not in the 'gang' who invade 'your' table!

Yes it was inappropriate and very lacking in social skills. No one can tell you what the 'rules' are though so you have to use common sense.

You sound young, don’t see how her age and marital status is relevant. Lesson learnt. You need to develop some tact and social awareness. You should have just remained quiet in this situation.

It was too direct and blunt when you didn't really know her. Its not that bad really, I'd just move on now.

I wonder if her mum was actually mortally ill, in which case your question may have provoked a legitimately shocked reaction.

What has any of the background info got to do with the question you asked her?
Bit awkward but brush it off and move on.

You sound like you lack certain social skills, and that may be to do with age. IMO It would've been too blunt a way to ask quite a sensitive question and I might have raised it with a friend afterwards if they'd said that in front of me, in the way you did.

Its not gossiping, it's being aware that you don't just go up to someone and demand answers when you've been very horrifically explicit in your OP that you didn't consider them a friend.

It's "inappropriate" (or inconsiderate) as, if it was the case her Mum had passed away, she'd have been forced to relive it/say so directly. It put her on the spot. You were being curious but over a matter which is hugely sensitive.

Also, as it turns out her mum is ill and has not passed away - but maybe there's a chance her mum could pass away and so someone asking if she has already could be distressing.

Hence, it would have been more considerate/better manners to have stayed out of it and asked your friends about it instead Not adding to her discomfort is more important than your need to know.

Wow, I can be awkward but that’s just mega blunt.

If she had said yes and started crying what would you do?! Stupid thing to ask. You’re lucky that she was only ill!

I would sympathise and assume the best case (short term ill) unless told otherwise. In any case, someone private might not want to share more anyway.

''It's "inappropriate" (or inconsiderate) as, if it was the case her Mum had passed away, she'd have been forced to relive it/say so directly. It put her on the spot. You were being curious but over a matter which is hugely sensitive.''

ah read my op, the whole table were sympathising with her and saying they were ''so sorry about her mum'', it's not like i just randomly asked.

I think it's your phrasing that was a bit off, ploughing right in with the question about her passing away, and while it might not have offended your classmate it has a good chance of offending others.
Maybe a better thing to say could have been 'I'm not sure what's happening but I'm sorry it sounds like you're having a difficult time' which gives her the opportunity to tell you if she wants, or just to say thanks and then someone else in the group could explain after.
If her mum is seriously ill it has probably crossed her mind that she may die as a result of this illness so it would be kinder to ask a more open question.
If her mum had just died I know it's a fact but it can be hard saying it out loud.

As an example when a close relative was dying I told someone not especially close but I was giving an explanation as to why I wasn't feeling like chatting. They started asking if it was cancer and what kind and I just thought at the time it seemed intrusive, when they could have just said sorry to hear that.

I wouldn't dwell on it now but maybe if you bump into her you can just tell her you've been thinking of her.

ah read my op, the whole table were sympathising with her and saying they were ''so sorry about her mum'', it's not like i just randomly asked

I think Angelicwings has read the OP. The woman would have to say outright "yes my mum has died" whoch would be hard to say or (as actually happened) " no she is ill/had an accident/ was attacked etc." so your blunt question meant that she had to give a specific answer rather than the general nodding and thanking response she could give to your friends' comments. This may be distressing for her.

The sensitive thing to do was not to ask.

You may not have meant it but it was rude/innapropriate of you. You should work on developing a little more tact. I’m thinking you may have had a history of being insensitive if your “group” told you off about it afterwards.

I have a friend who is somewhat similar... she doesn’t mean it and she’s a good person but she can come across as really rude and blunt and often puts her foot in it like you did. You can take steps to try to become more self aware and sensitive but I think this is a character trait that doesn’t really go away easily so you’ll probably have to work quite hard on it.

''The sensitive thing to do was not to ask.''

yes but then you'd have people calling you indifferent and cold, it's like you can't win...

At uni, do you say?

What subject?

You could have just said you were sorry without drawing everyone's attention to yourself by asking whether her DM had died.

Do they teach you how to use capital letters at your uni?

I wouldn't have directly asked either, I would have waited until she left then asked your friends.

I don't think you did anything wildly wrong, OP.

I think it's odd that this warrants a thread to be honest

You made a polite enquiry to a fellow student you don't really know, you fear it was a faux pas. That's the entire story.

She will know you meant well by it, even if it was a bit off

I really don't see how or why it warrants this amount of angst 🤔

I think it shows an unusual obliviousness to societal norms and lack of empathy.

You demanded information at a moment that was not about you and none of your business.

Most people in that situation would internally think “oh gosh has her mum died or something!?” But outwardly blend in with the background silently, while other people (who do know this person enough to know her business) made the appropriate noises of support.

Most people would have known to wait until she was gone to ask others what was going on, so you knew the right things to say next time you see her.

Some people (including me obvs) might feel like what you said made a serious conversation into a random tidbit of chit chat.