My mother is hysterical over me giving birth

[KatyCamb]

I am currently overdue with my first DC by 5 days. I have the usual anxiety about it, I've had three sweeps this week and I'm only 1cm dilated and am booked in to begin the induction process on Monday. I saw the midwife today who was very reassuring and made me feel calm about things as I was generally stressed about being overdue and induction.

My DM lives at the other end of the country but we are close. For at least two weeks now I would say she's been bordering on hysterical over me giving birth. We would usually speak 3-4 times a week and now it's every day to have the same conversation. Things she will often say include:

"I'm stressed to death"
"I can't think of anything else"
"WHEN is this baby going to arrive!"
Tells me her awful birth stories over and over again
Says I should push to have a c section
Tells me what all of her friends are saying
Tells me I shouldn't listen to midwives and only doctors and wants to know why I'm not talking to doctors
Tells me what midwives say is incorrect- this is usually about basic facts eg I told her that induction can take 3-4 days and she told me that was "rubbish"

She's always been a bit highly strung but now she is next level. Just when I call down about something she calls and makes me feel so stressed as if I'm not doing what's best for the baby even though I'm following every bit of medical advice I'm given. She rings me 3-4 times a day until I answer.

I've told her about three times she isn't helping and she says she can't help it she's so stressed. How can I learn to block out her negativity and remain calm and positive?

God I'd be half tempted to tell her you've had the baby, just to shut her up. What a stress for you!

@Roomba the Catholic Church thing did make me laugh

Gah, I've just realised what I wrote! Sorry, sorry - yes of course I meant exactly on 42 weeks.

Your mum sounds just like mine! She also lives at the other end of the country and thank goodness as she would have driven me completely bonkers. It's also pretty selfish if I'm honest and angered me a bit because of that - my first was spontaneous birth and was a bit poorly when he was born. Was in SCBU for about 2 weeks. She would be hysterical if I didn't give her multiple updates every day. Like I didn't have enough on her plate. Second was induced (which was totally fine by the way) and she was determined to come down and stay with us for the birth. I had to tell her no and she had a flaming row with me as a result. I felt like she was the child and I was parenting her. My mother in law (by contrast and to buck a Mumsnet trend) was the exact opposite and so helpful both times.

Definitely cut down on her calls by getting your DH to field them or just not answering (and sending a quick text saying you’re busy/resting if she keeps calling).

Also when you do speak to her, have a zero-tolerance policy towards her stressing at you. “Mum I’ve told you before, please drop it, you’re causing me stress.” Then if she says she can’t help it, say “okay then, talk later” and hang up.

All of my children - and I have a few - were born at exactly 43 weeks. according to my gynae consultant that is obviously how long I needed to carry them for and by the time I had my last they even put the 43 week date in brackets after my due date. I wasn't ill, the babies weren't distressed or born with problems etc. I couldn't be induced due to allergies and my mum was incredibly stressed the first couple of deliveries. I can see it from her side (perhaps its an age thing when you get nearer your own kids having babies) you are still her baby and she worries about you. but also I can see it from yours and its a pain in the ass. you need to be able to deal firmly with her when she starts drifting into these comments. you know her, you can hear it coming so cut her off straight away politely " ...no mum we aren't discussing that" or "oh its the doorbell have to run, call you back" all this talk of blocking her and so on is a bit horrible imo. Providing you are well, the baby isn't distressed then he/she will arrive when they do. hope it all goes well for you.

My DD is only two but the thought of her giving birth (as an adult) terrifies me but in no way would I tell her that!

You need to tell her that she is being unfair and tell her to stop with the hysterics if she continues then don’t talk to her until that baby arrives.

At some point you need to find your inner tiger Mum which helps you put your baby and yourself first. It’s a horrible cliche but it is something you need and you will develop. Start looking for it now.

My mum is the same although she didn't tell me til after, she didn't sleep when I went into labour til she'd seen us and the baby (I had the longest labour in the world thougg). I think it's because her friends have grandkids and while most of them were fine there is the odd horror story and it freaks them out as they are another step removed and have literally no control and no way of making themselves feel better.

She isn't taking you seriously though and it will stress you out and piss you off if she keeps going on - you shouldn't be absorbing her stress as well as trying to deal with your own. You will have to say to her that she is making things worse for you, you can't deal with it, so you're going to get you husband to call her daily with an update instead of speaking to you. Also tell her your induction has been put back a couple of days otherwise she will be pestering you throughout!

She lives with my dad so isn't by herself although he is very much a hands off type person when it comes to things to do with childbirth and pregnancy, so I can't imagine he talks about it much with her apart from probably just agreeing with her. My dad never contacts me by the way, or he will send a text every two weeks. Her friends are very much in her life though and I know they whip each other into a frenzy about it and they are probably indulging her and making it all about her at the moment.

I've already told her over the past three days that her approach isn't helping me and she'll acknowledge that and say she's just so stressed. It's awful and really self indulgent. If I blocked her number honestly she would drive to our house and be knocking on the door.

I understand that she's worried but constantly telling me that medical advice is wrong and I should be doing x,y,z is really awful as it makes me doubt everything.

If it does come to the induction on Monday I'll tell her I won't have access to my phone and nor will DH and we will update them when there's news. She and my dad are planning on driving to visit us and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights when the baby is born which is fine as they'll be in a hotel, I just know that she will be beside herself whilst we are in hospital.

I think you need to use that wonderful phrase “Im not entering into it” the first second she starts getting hysterical. If she keeps going just hang up on her. When she calls back answer and say Mum I told you I wasnt entering into it. If you are being stressy, I will hang up. It gets great results in about 2 days, Then when you have her trained on that, tell her you are only going to speak to her once a day, if she calls a second time, answer, tell her Mum Im not entering into it goodbye, and hang up.

Because you answer the phone, it will stop her getting wild with anxiety, but its on your terms and with your boundaries.

Good luck with the birth. It will be, what it will be and I hope you can find the beauty in that

I agree with other posters - it's time for your DH / DP to step up and screen the calls. Something like 'We'll call you, when there's something to call about. We will not be answering your calls'

Can he also have a word with your Dad to the same effect or any other family members she might listen to or to whom she will talk. If nothing else let them know so they can re-inforce your message.
very best of luck with the baby

how would she react if your dh had a word? Or had a word with your dad to have a word?

I know you know her best but your post seems so resigned to her bad behaviour . More than any other time in your life you are more than justified in escalating to others to deal with, and causing a fuss. You are more important, your baby is more important. , it sounds really tough.

Don't tell her you are in labour or gave been induced, they will drive down and be a nightmare. Say you will tell them when baby arrives and forbid them to come sooner. nightmare!

If and when you have another, tell her a fake due date a month later.

Gah, I've just realised what I wrote! blush Sorry, sorry - yes of course I meant exactly on 42 weeks.

Oh thank God! I did think you sounded pretty chirpy in the circumstances

A suggestion, op: make a few recordings on your DH's phone of you saying (in a few different ways) "Hi Mum, I'm absolutely fine but am a bit busy cooking/hoovering/painting toenails/rtf right now. I'll speak to you later! I'm handing the phone back to DH now".

If she calls when you're in labour, he can answer, say you're busy and then play her one of the messages off your phone if needed. That way she won't guess what's going on and you can get on with it in peace!

Jeezo! Tell her to Do One and stop hassling you. You have enough on your plate right now and its NOT about her!! Why are some people so selfish! And why is your Dad not telling her to shut the fuck up....?

Both my mother and MIL behaved like this when we were near the due date for our first (and only) DC. We ended up saying we would let them know when there was any news and all calls would be left to go to voicemail, with texts unanswered. We needed peace and quiet after a troublesome pregnancy.

DD arrived on her due date after a prolonged labour. The mother and MIL were informed when she was six hours old. We have never regretted hiding away and keeping it secret for that precious first few hours.

Best of luck OP.

I think you might be better to stop talking to her until the baby arrives, she clearly isn't helping you at all. Maybe just message her here and there instead.

My mil was a bit like this, she had a multiple birth over 30 years ago and had some sort of ptsd because of it, so anything to do with childbirth sent her a bit mad. When I was pregnant she kept on telling me the story about what happened it really was not what I needed or wanted to hear. When I did go into labour she lost the plot completely and went looking for me and my husband or rather our car - we were at the hospital surprisingly! Afterwards we then had to hear about how angry she was that she wasn't given a running commentary during the birth and how it was the worst day of her life waiting to hear news. It was all about HER!!!

With our second child I didn't share any pregnancy details and told them a due date 1 month later than the real one, it was a great idea. We sent them a picture just saying they'd arrived, no drama and no chance to make it about her!! Maybe you should consider doing the same if you have another?

Good luck with the birth

What's wrong with all these bloody mothers who just meider people to death when they need to be left alone. My grandson was a couple of weeks overdue and yes I was frantic with worry about when he would arrive and how my daughter would cope (first baby, home water birth). But, I knew she would keep me updated if anything significant happened and she certainly didn't need me ringing her every hour to see if anything had changed. She sent me a quick text when labour started and a photo a few minutes after he was born. Yes, that was one of the longest days of my life wanting to know that all was well, but it wasn't about me - she (and her partner) had quite enough to deal with without answering the bloody phone.

My kids were born before the dreaded mobile phone existed and I had to totter out to the payphone in the corridor (with appropriate coins)

Ugh she sounds like my Mom, we didn't tell her I was being induced until months after.

I ended up having a C-section for no medical reason to stop my mother badgering me. She was even turning up at my midwife appointments by the end and berating the midwife about how my baby might die if she didn't refer me to a consultant. I was in my thirties. I'm actually really happy with the way things turned out re the birth but I probably would have been the other way too. My mother suffered a stillbirth so I'm very torn between terrible sympathy for her and annoyance at her inability to see me as a separate person to her.

Text her to say you need to have a break from her stress as it isn't helping and you'll call her on Wednesday, or before if baby arrives. Then block/mute till then.