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Original poster

My mother is hysterical over me giving birth

72 replies

KatyCamb · 17/01/2019 16:10

I am currently overdue with my first DC by 5 days. I have the usual anxiety about it, I've had three sweeps this week and I'm only 1cm dilated and am booked in to begin the induction process on Monday. I saw the midwife today who was very reassuring and made me feel calm about things as I was generally stressed about being overdue and induction.

My DM lives at the other end of the country but we are close. For at least two weeks now I would say she's been bordering on hysterical over me giving birth. We would usually speak 3-4 times a week and now it's every day to have the same conversation. Things she will often say include:

"I'm stressed to death"
"I can't think of anything else"
"WHEN is this baby going to arrive!"
Tells me her awful birth stories over and over again
Says I should push to have a c section
Tells me what all of her friends are saying
Tells me I shouldn't listen to midwives and only doctors and wants to know why I'm not talking to doctors
Tells me what midwives say is incorrect- this is usually about basic facts eg I told her that induction can take 3-4 days and she told me that was "rubbish"

She's always been a bit highly strung but now she is next level. Just when I call down about something she calls and makes me feel so stressed as if I'm not doing what's best for the baby even though I'm following every bit of medical advice I'm given. She rings me 3-4 times a day until I answer.

I've told her about three times she isn't helping and she says she can't help it she's so stressed. How can I learn to block out her negativity and remain calm and positive?

OP posts:
FluffMagnet · 17/01/2019 16:41

She sounds like me, and I have tokophobia. I went into melt down when close friends had babies (although managed to restrain myself from contacting them directly - although did send some panic-stricken texts to one of their mothers, that post birth and post panic attack I was rather ashamed of). She probably doesn't mean to upset you, but is not entirely in control of her behaviour at present. However, this is NOT the time for you to be dealing with relatives' phobias. Have you got any siblings, a DF, aunts etc. that could intervene on your behalf, tell her to back off talking to you about the birth (unless you specifically ask for advice) and act as a sponge to soak up her anxieties? Good luck!

waterplease · 17/01/2019 16:43

Jesus that cannot be relaxing for you! I'm sure you already feel uncomfortable and stressed yourself, she's being so rude to keep bringing it back to herself!

Just ignore her, texts, phone everything. You don't need that right now. Text her a few days after the baby's born just to have some time to yourselves as a family.

I can't understand over involved mothers/MIL's. I wouldn't mind my mum asking how I was etc. But there's no need to keep bringing it back to 'how stressed' she is (she's not even having a baby!) and gossiping to her friends.

Good luck for Monday, hopefully things will improve over the weekend.

pandarific · 17/01/2019 16:44

Oh god, what Penny said - absolutely get your dh to lay off - is your dad/her partner/any other in the picture? You may have to ask them to have a word. and also stop answering the phone to her! text only; just 'everything fine, sorry cant tslk as out / in bath / at shops etc. She's being very damaging and I don't think she will stop as she can't seem to stop hersef

ALSO. You are not actually 'overdue' - your due date is just a guess as to when your baby is at term. The World Health Organisation has term as from 40-42 weeks, and 85% of first time mums go over their 'due date' - so you are absolutely normal.

VampirateQueen · 17/01/2019 16:44

My DM was like this, she was more laid back with my second, but a bit of a nightmare with my first. I just took a deep breath, knew that I was listening to the professionals and that it was her anxiety problem. Also next time she says anything to you, say "mum I know you are anxious, but you are making everything worse, if you can't help keep me calm for the babies sake, please can you stop phoning me and will phone you once the baby is here."

KM99 · 17/01/2019 16:45

OP, is this her first grandchild? This isn't a good sign of things to come. You said yourself she is highly strung.

My MIL was like this. After a few months of interfering she fell out big time with my DH after saying some horrid things about our parenting choices.

We didn't talk for a few months and while she is back in our lives my DH is very stern when she tries it on again.

I agree with a lot of the advice on here. Tell her straight, either have your OH screen or just put the phone down if she starts again.

BusySnipingOnCallOfDuty · 17/01/2019 16:47

She's making it all about her, but I don't think she realises this. It sounds as though you both love each other greatly but that she is jeopardising your relationship with each other currently.

I would send her a text telling her how much you love her and that you need space until it's happened, and that you're turning your phone off until then (then temporarily block her number). Make sure she knows you love her. At least then if she calls.or messages your DP, he can act as a barrier for you. People can be too much and you don't want anything souring this for you.

Malbecfan · 17/01/2019 16:48

Midwives are normally more experienced than doctors - docs only get involved when things are going a bit awry. Maybe you could put her straight on that one.

I agree about the stress not helping. However, blocking her number seems a bit extreme. I would say something like: "sorry mum, you are stressing me out with all your negativity. We're going to try the old fashioned methods of lots of walking, sex, curry and pineapple to get things moving so please don't call as you may well be interrupting one of them... I'll call you tomorrow if nothing has started." Then don't answer your phone till the next day Wink

tiggerkid · 17/01/2019 16:50

Then block her number.

Seriously? That seems a bit drastic!

OP, I honestly would just tell her I have to go every time she starts with one of her "moments". You can't stop her from being her but you can take yourself out of the situation. Hopefully, after about 20 times of "Oh, sorry, I have to go, mum", she'll get the message and tone things down.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 17/01/2019 16:52

pandarific do you mean your baby was born exactly on 42 weeks?

pandarific · 17/01/2019 16:53

Also, 1cm dilated is a good sign! Smile Ask your mw at your next exam how low down baby is too, that's a good indication - I had 3 failed sweeps because my cervix was posterior (at the back), but really the baby was very low down so his head was in the way.

But most importantly, what you need is love and cuddles and romantic evenings in with funny movies and your favourite foods and a lovely massage from your OH - you want lots of the love hormone, oxytocin floating around in your system, not stress hormones from your mum being a pest.

flumpybear · 17/01/2019 16:53

Are you in an at risk to baby or mother category?
Are you consultant led?
I'd probably tell her you're getting stressed out by her which won't help you deliver any sooner, the opposite perhaps!

doubleshotespresso · 17/01/2019 16:54

OP I empathise, I really do. My MIL was identical to this.
My only coping method was to forward her calls to my DP, his tolerance levels for her are far lower so calls were far shorter!

When your day actually arrives, just get him to drop her a text and let her know he will call when there's any news, not before. Remove yourself from any of this nonsense and just focus on yourself and your baby.

Best of luck!!! Flowers

oh4forkssake · 17/01/2019 16:56

Answer the phone on the first ring (if that's possible), and tell her you are not discussing the baby, the birth, or her feelings about either. Firmly. Keep. Doing. That.

And DO NOT tell her that you're in labour. Do not be in touch when you are induced. She can wait. Tell her to call someone else.

This isn't about her.

I have experience of this.

Sexnotgender · 17/01/2019 16:56

Her making you stressed will make you LESS likely to go into labour. She needs to back off and leave you alone.

Loopytiles · 17/01/2019 16:57

Suggest telling her that until DC arrives you need a break from telephone contact because of her repeated expressions of her anxiety and unsolicited advice on what you should do, which are distressing you. Then ignore calls and just send the odd bland text.

TaMereAPoilDevantPrisu · 17/01/2019 16:58

Tell her that if you were giving birth in France you wouldn't even be due for two days yet, let alone overdue.

Loopytiles · 17/01/2019 16:58

You might also offer her some unsolicited advice: that if she is experiencing acute anxiety that is affecting her badly she seeks help from her friends or her GP.

Nesssie · 17/01/2019 16:59

You need to say
'Mum I love you and I get you are stressed but you are stressing me out at a time I need to be calm. If you carry on, I won't be able to answer the phone to you/I won't be answering the phone to you anymore but will update you when there is something to update'

EvaHarknessRose · 17/01/2019 16:59

I wouldn’t update her until you are good and ready to either, as presumably she will tip up and torment you in person then.

gamerchick · 17/01/2019 17:01

pandarific do you mean your baby was born exactly on 42 weeks?

I'm really glad you said that, I had to read it a few times.

OP time for your OH to screen your calls. Ignore her every other day and let him answer on the days you won't speak to her saying you're fine and can't come to the phone right now. You need a break.

Alieeeeeens · 17/01/2019 17:04

My mum was EXACTLY like this, fortunately she backed off when I said it was upsetting me and could therefore stress the baby out and did she want the baby stressed just before birth?

Once you go into labour give your phone to your DP to give updates!

pandarific · 17/01/2019 17:04

@MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig yes, 42 weeks exactly by hospital dates! Though we calculated their dates were about 3 days early, so by our reckoning I was 41+ 4. We were actually in the kitchen getting ready to go in to the hospital for the monitoring and checks and the on-off grumbly period pains I'd been having came back, and then escalated, so we had to call them to tell them we'd not be coming in.

Then arrived in a taxi 4 hours later going I CAN FEEL THE HEAD. Grin

mouthkisses · 17/01/2019 17:05

Did your mum have a traumatic birth? It sounds like she's very afraid and feels helpless. I would give her a clear timeline of when you are going into hospital/ When you'll be in contact. Induction is always overseen by a medic, which might put her mind at rest if she had previous issues with midwifery care.

Alieeeeeens · 17/01/2019 17:05

Best widget for the birth btw - it’ll be fine! I was induced and it took 3 days until baby made an appearance (and that was by c section I. The end!

Alieeeeeens · 17/01/2019 17:06

Wishes!! Not widget!! Grin

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