Reaching out to colleague with depression- rejected

[nixworld]

I'm so worried. I was told at Christmas party that a colleague (who I don't know that well) hasn't been in the office for a while as he has been signed off with depression.It was an informal conversation. I've been thinking for a while, and I wanted to reach out to him and say- "I get it, I feel you, and if you ever need anything, please say" (I suffer from depression pretty badly myself).
He has now unfollowed me on Twitter and I can't send any messages.

I am terrified I've done something really bad, here. Was this appropriate? I know that in my darkest times a hand of support would have meant so much. Am I going to get in trouble with work? I'm so worried that I have been inappropriate.

Ahh, I can see you were trying to be nice.
I think it would be useful to let your manager/HR know because he may say something to them about it, and they’d probably rather know sooner than later so they can deal with it appropriately . If they hear it from you, I doubt you’d be in trouble, although the person who told you may be, that’s not your problem.

I'm sure you meant well OP but I don't think Twitter was an appropriate place to message him, especially about an issue he may be very sensitive about and given you don't know him that well.

I think you should tell HR as well.

There's no telling the office gossip even has this right.

Anything could have happened and then some random colleague he hardly knows contacts him to say they 'get it'.

I know you meant well but you've really overstepped.

On a personal level as well I would be very wary offering that kind of help to someone you don't know that well, if he took you up on your offer he may have asked more than you could emotionally afforded and risked your mental health.

Things that may cross his mind:

• everyone's talking about me
• everyone knows everything
• this could ruin my career
• how can I face going back now?

Also, saying 'I get it'... Everyone's depression is different. It's not like... I dunno, measles, where the cause is the same and the symptoms are the same.

Sadly, many people feel deep shame / embarrassment / failure about mental health issues. Knowing that they have been made public knowledge without his knowledge or consent could be really difficult for him.

Sorry, OP, I know you meant well. But someone at your company deserves a massive, massive bollocking. If I inappropriately disclosed information in my job I'd be sacked.

Oh OP I always do stupid stuff like this too but only ever with good intentions, like you have.

I think he will be feeling like his privacy has been invaded massively. I imagine he is going to make a complaint due to the fact he blocked you. So I would get in there first and speak to HR. You’ve made a mistake and we’re only trying to be kind - it will be fine.

You're all so right. I can see now it was inappropriate and I'm mortified. It's no excuse, but I just wanted to help someone who was in pain, if I could.
I'm going to put my account in writing and keep it, and tell my manager.

Could well be someone in hr who blabbed in the first place.

Don't panic. Write down what you did and why and if HR get involved you can then explain it to them, at the same time as apologising. Leave it to him to decide to do something, if that is how he feels. You reached out to a fellow sufferer which is a kind thing to do.

If you want to help people, find your local mental hospital. They're highly likely to run a volunteering scheme, where you'll get training, proper supervision, and people who want to be helped.

I think it was a very kind thing to do. At times I would have done the same as him, but really appreciate your efforts.
Sometimes, as you probably know you push people away. Sometimes somebody telling you they understand is futile as you really believe they don't have a clue as they aren't you.
That's me, sometimes, I can't speak for others.
You sound lovely, don't let it put you off reaching out to others in the future.

Send an email to yourself, it will be dated if you need to use it.
You did a kind thing with a good motive, you may have got a different response from another person or at a different time. Your colleague just doesn't want anything from work in their head at the moment. Sometimes a kind word can make all the difference but people may not want to engage. I once sent flowers on behalf of our team, to a colleague who had a bereavement. She put them in the bin as they made her think of funerals. We went to the funeral anyway, she and her family were glad of the support then, she just wasn't ready. Don't beat your self up, let it go and just don't make a big deal when they come back to work, just a smile or good to see you back.

You can't 'get' someone else's depression. It is such an umbrella term for a huge range of symptoms. It's like saying "I know how you feel". No, you don't. How can you?

Shit - you have really put your (well-intentioned) foot in it

don't let it put you off reaching out to others

Please do let it put you off reaching out to others, if you don't know them that well and have come by their personal information through totally inappropriate means.

Kind but MASSIVELY inappropriate and disrespectful of his professional boundaries.

But I doubt anything will come of it!

You never ever act on private medical information about a colleague you heard through gossip. You don't know him. You're not friends. But you heard some incredibly private information and you went and messaged him, so now he knows everyone has been talking about him.

I don't know how you're going to fix this one but that information was not yours to have, therefore not yours to act on.

Your heart is in the right place but I don’t think you should blow it out of proportion yet by reporting it to hr.

Have you received workplace training about the General Data Protection Regulations (GDPR) and your responsibilities about both personal and sensitive data ? Information about an employee’s health, particularly mental health, is sensitive data.

If you have not completed GDPR training, then you must talk to your union to support you when your contact HR as you may have inadvertently breached the GDPR, and you have approached a colleague on sick leave inappropriately. Both HR & the individual’s line managers follow guidelines (e.g. ACAS) and best practice to minimise distress to the person, invasion of their privacy and potential future liabilities.

If you have completed the GDPR training, then you are deemed to know that you have breached the guidelines.

In both cases, contact your union rep/helpline to help you approach HR. If you are not a member of a union, then contact the ACAS helpline for advice before you approach HR. You need to know where you stand before you speak with HR so you can be clear cut about what you were told (verbal gossip rather than direct access of the employee’s record) and what you actually did e.g. well meant personal message.

Both your union helpline will be available for you to ring tomorrow, whereas your union rep may not be free to speak. ACAS helpline will be open for you to ring tomorrow. Then speak with HR as soon as possible.

If your colleague has been upset or disgruntled by your well meaning message and this is fed back to HR, this matter could get serious very quickly as the GDPR is involved.

So, I spell this out NOT TO SCARE you but to get you to take sensible action to protect your best interests as worrying it/sticking your head in the sand is not going to help you or make it go away.

Also, no more messaging colleagues about this. You are digging a hole for yourself with a nice audit trail. Desist.

Don't report it. Do nothing. Hopefully nothing will come of it. Almost certainly nothing will. Lie low. Go to work as normal and hope for the best. You will know for next time.

Most of us have acted first and then thought about things in depth later.

If you do report it it will become more of a thing because whomever you speak to will be obliged to take it further. so don't.

Some perspective... you sent a brief note to a colleague expressing solidarity when he was having a tough time. There’s not going to be a blooming law suit, and involving ACAS or HR seems really OTT and dramatic.

Seriously don’t worry about it. Just move on.

Don't report it to hr whayever you do! And try not to worry too much. If you get asked about it just say so and so told me at the Xmas do - as they told me I didn't realise it was confidential and just wanted to send a message of support. I haven't told anyone else.
Tbh if it's depression it might be linked to work and he just doesn't want any reminders at the moment.

You should not have done this. Listening to office gossip is poor form. However, I doubt the colleague will take things further, he’s probably embarrassed.

I think with mental health problems unless someone talks to you about it, you leave them alone and don’t mak any comment at all. So while I understand you meant well, I do think you were in the wrong.

Thing is you should never had been told this anyway and you certainly should never of approached him and said anything. Once told this private information you should of just forgotten about it, for all this poor man knows your all chatting about him behind is back

Maybe your heart is is the right place but you were being unreasonable. Do not try and contact him about this again

Don’t report to HR. That’s terrible advice! I imagine the person just wants to be left alone and this will make it even worse. The more fuss people make of him the shitter they will probably feel.