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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant but I have been confiding in her about ttc for months

50 replies

Freddie456 · 16/01/2019 12:40

I have recently found out that my best friend is pregnant (I asked) and while I am very happy for her I feel hurt that she didn’t tell me because I have been confiding in her on a regular basis about unsuccesfully ttc for the past 5 months and all the emotions that brings for me and my OH. I understand that she wanted to make sure the baby was healthy before telling people but I wish she hadn’t encouraged me to talk about my own pregnancy journey with her. I know I need to get over it but I am struggling. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:

ErickBroch · 16/01/2019 12:40

Yes, sorry.

Walkerbean16 · 16/01/2019 12:41

Maybe she didn't want to upset you.

Chloemol · 16/01/2019 12:41

Maybe she didn’t tell you because of your problems?

Sosie91 · 16/01/2019 12:42

She probably was just trying to be supportive. She won’t have wanted to hurt your feelings. Please try and be happy for her

Seniorschoolmum · 16/01/2019 12:42

I think perhaps your friend, knowing you were TTC, didn’t want to upset you with her own good news

Oysterbabe · 16/01/2019 12:42

Yes you are being unfair. I know it's hard when a friend gets pregnant when you want to be though so you're allowed to be a little bit unreasonable.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 16/01/2019 12:42

Yes you are being unfair. She might have deliberately kept it back in order to be sensitive.

Magmatic80 · 16/01/2019 12:42

You are yes, your friend was hiding her news to save your feelings, and being a good friend allowing you to talk.

cheeseislife8 · 16/01/2019 12:43

She was mostly likely trying not to upset you, or risk you feeling as though she was being insensitive

user1474894224 · 16/01/2019 12:43

Yes. Sorry. I am so sorry you are TTC. She loves you and wants to support you - which was why it was so hard for her to tell you she was pregnant. But, like a good friend she didn't lie when you asked. This is going to be really hard for you. But also hard for her - it should be a happy time for sharing with friends and family but she doesn't have her best friend on the journey with her - due to your circumstances. It is normal for you to now distance yourself.....but let her know you still love her - so she knows this isn't forever.

Justincase87 · 16/01/2019 12:44

She may have been trying to assess how you were feeling about the situation - we lost a baby earlier in the year and reflecting on it there were a few occasions where our friends who were expecting had done the same thing. Yeah I felt a bit rubbish about it, but it's hard for people to know how to act in these situations. It's ok to be upset about it, but don't lose a friendship over it, I'm sure she had your best interests at heart and was trying to be supportive rather than an ulterior motive.

AmazingGrace16 · 16/01/2019 12:44

Yes yabu.
Sounds like she wanted to be there for you. She didn't have a crystal ball so would never know that as each month passed you would have unsuccessful results.
Would you really rather her refuse to listen to you?

You're upset and hurting and jealous which is fine and perfectly understandable emotions but please don't blame her.

Readytogogogo · 16/01/2019 12:45

I feel as a general rule that it's never appropriate to ask someone if they're pregnant .. they should always have the right to give that information freely when they want to. For that reason, you have been unreasonable. I wish you the very best of luck.

Dungeondragon15 · 16/01/2019 12:45

It's very difficult to tell someone you are pregnant if you know that they are experiencing difficulties conceiving or have recently miscarried. She held it back because she didn't want to upset you.

WildFlower2019 · 16/01/2019 12:45

Like everyone else, I bet she didn't want to upset you. She was probably hoping you'd get pregnant in the next few months and when you were happy, she'd tell you then.

Or maybe she didn't want to tell anybody past 12w and hoped it'd tie in nicely with you getting pregnant too.

Poodloo · 16/01/2019 12:46

A similar thread on here the other day but the opposite. You can't win in these situations. Anyone struggling to get pregnant will naturally feel upset when people close to them do get pregnant. It's very difficult. Equally, some people prefer to make sure everything is ok before telling people. My best friend waited until the day of the scan whereas I know I'll probably tell her the day I get a positive test! Everyone is different. Also, you shouldn't have asked really.

Darkbaptism · 16/01/2019 12:46

Maybe she got pregnant very easily and didn’t t feel she could tell you as you are finding it more of a struggle. She was probably trying to be sensitive.

SwimmingInMuslins · 16/01/2019 12:47

I was your friend.

I was hoping my friend would get a BFP before I was forced to tell her I was pregnant.

I got to 14 weeks and she still wasn't pregnant and I was starting to show so I had to tell her.
It didn't go down to well, she withdrew for a short time but came back.

My baby is a month old now and she isn't pregnant yet.

There's no right time to tell someone who is struggling to conceive that you're pregnant.

mimibunz · 16/01/2019 12:47

Yes, yabu. She obviously wanted to be sensitive to your situation. Instead of being hurt how about valuing such a thoughtful friend?

OVAgroundWOMBlingfree · 16/01/2019 12:48

She is a good friend.

AvoidingMarking · 16/01/2019 12:48

I was your friend. I got pregnant quite quickly and my friend had been trying for two years and was starting tests with the dr.

I didn't tell her until 12 weeks because I didn't want to potentially upset her for no reason- I'd had a miscarriage previously too so was anxious.

I worried for over a month about how I would tell her and what the most sensitive way to phrase it would be, planning conversations and whether to tell her in person or whether to do it on the phone so she could react without the pressure of having to pretend or not be upset.

It's awful to think that someone might be upset by the news, but it can happen. I'm sure your friend has been worrying about telling you and didn't want to be insensitive.

Butchyrestingface · 16/01/2019 12:50

YABU. She was being a supportive friend. Do you think she was sitting laughing at you behind your back or something?

KC225 · 16/01/2019 12:50

She was between a rock and a hard place with this news. If she had told you at the beginning, you may have got upset and stop feeling like you could confide in her. She left it, holding in her news but still being there for you and you feel upset that she hasn't told you. Take a couple of days and gather your emotions, it will be your turn soon OP.

MariaNovella · 16/01/2019 12:50

It really is only decision to confide in your friend about ttc just as it really is only her decision to reveal her own pregnancy. You are wrong to feel let down about your own feelings of lack of reciprocity.

MariaNovella · 16/01/2019 12:51

Only your decision

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