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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My friend didn’t tell me she was pregnant but I have been confiding in her about ttc for months

50 replies

Freddie456 · 16/01/2019 12:40

I have recently found out that my best friend is pregnant (I asked) and while I am very happy for her I feel hurt that she didn’t tell me because I have been confiding in her on a regular basis about unsuccesfully ttc for the past 5 months and all the emotions that brings for me and my OH. I understand that she wanted to make sure the baby was healthy before telling people but I wish she hadn’t encouraged me to talk about my own pregnancy journey with her. I know I need to get over it but I am struggling. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:

IsItThatTimeAgain · 16/01/2019 12:53

You're being unfair, she was trying to be supportive and probably was worried you'd be hurt finding out she was pregnant while you were desperate to conceive and haven't yet.

Damned if she does, damned if she don't.

Tinty · 16/01/2019 12:55

You have a lovely friend OP. I expect she was hoping you would get pregnant, then she could tell you she is also pregnant.

I hope you get pregnant soon, too OP.

Original poster

Freddie456 · 16/01/2019 12:55

This is helpful, thanks. It’s hard to know what is ok to feel and what is not when so many emotions are involved.

OP posts:

User758172 · 16/01/2019 12:57

YABU. If she’d told you, you would have though her cruel and insensitive to your pain. She didn’t tell you and you think she was deceptive. She couldn’t win!

I had seven miscarriages. One after the other after the other. Endless misery. But when friends told me they were pregnant I was never less than overjoyed for them no matter how much it hurt me. My pain shouldn’t have impinged on their happiness.

Riotingbananas · 16/01/2019 12:58

As others have said, it's very likely that this came from a place of kindness. She didn't want to upset you and was trying to hold off telling you until you had some good news of your own.

TTC can be a difficult time and sometimes it might colour how you perceive others actions, this is probably one of those times. All the best and I hope you have some good news very soon.

Original poster

Freddie456 · 16/01/2019 13:01

I’m so sorry to hear that. That must be incredibly hard. I completely agree with you that I wouldn’t want my sadness to impinge in her happiness. I am delighted for her and I think she knows that. My sadness is totally separate to not being happy for her with her news.

OP posts:

UnderHerEye · 16/01/2019 13:03

OP it’s ok for you to feel however you feel- even if that is jealous/angry etc, and you should allow yourself the time and space to come to terms with those feelings and deal with them, but it’s not ok to take your feelings out on your friend, it sounds like she has tried to deal with it in a sensitive way which is really kind of her.

Hopefully you will be able to maintain the friendship because it sounds like a good one

User758172 · 16/01/2019 13:10

@Freddie456

I’d never blame you for feeling that way! I certainly didn’t mean it to come across that way - I’m sorry if I sounded unsympathetic. You have every right to your feelings, and God knows I know how hard it is to go through it. I truly wish you all the luck in the world!

ArcheryAnnie · 16/01/2019 13:12

I understand why you are upset, but there's a constant stream of threads on mumsnet about this, all of which lead me to conclude that there isn't one right answer. Some women will find it upsetting to be told (like their pregnany friend is bragging, or smug, even when she isn't) and some like you will feel upset that they haven't been told. There's no way for anyone on the other end of that equation to find out which is worse or better beforehand.

I think, like others here, that your friend was trying to be kind, and not rub your nose in it. Even though you are going through a tough time, it would not be fair to punish her for her attempts at kindness.

Pachyderm1 · 16/01/2019 13:15

She was probably trying to be sensitive and support you. She will have wanted to keep her own news quiet til the three month scan, and it would’ve been hard for her to just tell you she didn’t want to talk about it with you. I actually think she’s been quite sensitive and supportive (unless drip feed coming).

That said, you don’t have to keep confiding in her. You can tell her you’re really happy for her but don’t want to talk about ttc with her any more. She will understand!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/01/2019 13:15

Maybe she thought youd be hurt by it Also Who tells people They're TTC.
Its like discussing your sex life really.
Okay sex shouldn't be taboo, but people don't really want to know when you and your dp are shagging
or maybe im the odd Ball

caringcarer · 16/01/2019 13:19

At 42 I miscarried a much wanted baby and the following month my sister conceived by mistake and she did not tell me for almost 4 months. When she told me I was so sad and i was jealous and cried and cried but she went on to have baby daughter which made it very hard for her family as both she and dh worked full time and neither had wanted another child as they had told us several times before her pregnancy. Her daughter is lovely and we are very close. I felt sorry for my sister as she kept apologizing to me and was clearly distressed.

Original poster

Freddie456 · 16/01/2019 13:20

@MrsAriadneOliver

No problem, I just wanted to clarify that I am so happy for my friend and my other emotions do not change that in any way.

Thank you so much, and wishing you some good news soon too!!! 💕

OP posts:

gamerchick · 16/01/2019 13:24

Rock and hard place unfortunately, no matter what you do you're wrong.

Anapurna · 16/01/2019 13:25

I think she was being kind and sensitive.

OutPinked · 16/01/2019 13:26

I’m 100% certain no malice was intended. She was trying to avoid hurting you.

RayRayBidet · 16/01/2019 13:35

YABU and YANBU.
No one could blame you for how you feel but your friend could not do right for doing.
I hope you get some good news soon op

Jess499427 · 16/01/2019 13:46

I don’t think you are being unreasonable- it’s ok to have whatever feelings you have about this situation. Although it’s likely your friend has tried to be kind and not want to upset you.

I recently had a similar situation with roles reversed. I had been trying to conceive for over 2 years, and had told my best friend about pretty much everything, because she seemed interested and asked. I finally got pregnant which I told my best friend about immediately on getting the positive test. At the time she had the implant so wasn’t trying to conceive. She was really happy for me. A few weeks later I miscarried and it turned out to be ectopic. She was really kind to me.

Around 2 months later, best friend got her implant taken out. I joked that she would probably ovulate and conceive straight away, and let her know that was ok, I would be happy for her and she could tell me if that happened.

Around 6 weeks later I got pregnant and told her straight away again.

Then, a few weeks later she sent me a text message explaining she had been pregnant and was currently having a miscarriage (at around 6 weeks pregnant). The way the message was worded, I could tell it had been sent to her closest friends and not just to me. I was a bit taken aback that she hadn’t told me about the pregnancy, and also when we spoke and she told me she had been bleeding on and off and in pain for the last few days, and had been to the EPU, I was obviously sad for her but also didn’t really understand why she hadn’t got in touch for some support. I really valued her support when I was trying to conceive and miscarried and I didn’t understand why she didn’t want that support from me. She also didn’t contact any of her other close friends, she just discussed with her partner.

For me it highlighted that people make different choices about what they disclose to who. Afterwards, we briefly discussed it and I asked whether she would prefer me to not ask about TTC/pregnancy related things, because if she would prefer not to discuss it then I wouldn’t ask. She said she wasn’t sure and would ask her partner and never got back to me.

I find it all quite strange and now I am 18 weeks pregnant and it has changed what I talk to her about- I don’t bring up the pregnancy unless she asks and I also don’t ask her about TTC.

Essexgirlupnorth · 16/01/2019 14:05

I have a friend who is very open about her infertility and the fact she has been told she may never get pregnant.
I had been trying to conceive for 2 years but no one knows this apart from my husband and my GP. I did fall pregnant but had a missed miscarriage at my 12 weeks scan so in future there is no way I will be telling anyone bar family that I am pregnant till I have my scan. I was considering how I would tell my friend as I know she finds pregnancy anoucements hard but isn't an issue.
I can see if from both sides but I don't think your friend had to tell you before she did knowing you would find it hard.

LilyOf2 · 16/01/2019 16:31

I think your friend made the right choice. She was supporting you and putting her own news to one side because you clearly needed someone to talk to. She was your friend before being a new excited mum. She sounds lovely OP and I would make the most of her.

Toastedstrudel · 16/01/2019 17:18

Also, it’s an individual choice when to tell people. I didn’t tell even close family until I was 5 months gone. It’s a personal decision and not like you were somehow owed that information x

londonrach · 16/01/2019 17:23

Yabu. She sounds like amazing friend, be there with time taken ttc. It is hell. Sounds like your friend is thinking of you.

3out · 16/01/2019 17:26

I told my sister early on when I was pregnant. It didn’t go well. Very sadly it’s one of those no win situations.

I hope you get your BFP soon 💐

London91 · 16/01/2019 17:56

I think if it was early days and she held back for that reason then I can totally understand. Chances are it could have been some of that and not wanting to hurt your feelings. It's difficult when you know you're going to be hurt. It doesn't make it easier or soften the blow but she was probably trying to be considerate. I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think you need to look at things from your friend's position and try as hard as I know it is to be happy for her.

It takes a lot of women longer than 5 months to conceive. As hard and frustrating as it is remember anything up to a year is normal. For some people it can take even longer even with no fertility issues.

Winchestermom35 · 16/01/2019 22:00

I’ve had to tell a friend who was trying to conceive I was pregnant. She took it really well but I felt like shit about it.
She probably felt the same.
I’m probably going to have to do the same thing soon. I’m already dreading it & haven’t got a positive result yet

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