AIBU to 'break up' with my friend

[penelopepig]

This might be a controversial one but here goes nothing...

I think it might be time to 'break up' with my 'best friend'. Or am I being a selfish bitch?

We've been very close friends for ten years and we have always laughed about how different we are and our backgrounds are but maybe we are just TOO different. For context, in the last ten years, approx every 3 months, she will have some kind of crisis. Usually she's leaving her fiancé or it's financial difficulty. Over the years I have probably bailed her out to the tune of about £5k, none of which I've ever asked for back, nor has it been offered back. I've picked her up from police stations after piss ups, I've picked her up pissed from the middle of town at 3am countless times.

She has two young children and a history of depression which has always been manageable. I also have a mental health condition so feel I can sympathise when things are bad.

I have never once needed her to help me out with anything, I'm not really the kind of person who needs help often and for a while it's been feeling like a very one sided relationship where I am left picking up the pieces every time something goes wrong yet her behaviour never changes.

I recently helped her file for bankruptcy (paid the £680 for her) as her debt problem has completely spiralled out of control and it seemed she may be starting to get her shit together.

Yesterday, my phone started buzzing in an important meeting so I excused myself in case it was the hospital (I'm 26 wks pregnant and have just recently had some tests) and it was multiple messages from her telling me I had to promise her I was going to look after her two kids as she was going to kill herself.
Obviously, I left work straight away to find her but she wasn't at home and wouldn't tell me where she was and wouldn't pick up the phone. It was only when I threatened to call the police that she revealed she was with her DP and would be fine. Turns out they were both pissed in the pub and had a row.

It's not all about money but leaving that meeting cost me a significant amount of money that could have afforded me an extra two month's maternity leave (I'm self employed) when it turns out she was just pissed. AIBU to think it's completely out of order to put that kind of emotional pressure on someone, especially when they're pregnant?

My first instinct is always to help people and I want her to be okay and get her life in order so she can be happy but I'm starting to think the friendship might just be too detrimental to my own well-being...

She's a user, OP and it's time for her to stand on her own two feet. She has a partner upon whom she can rely. Ask for the money back-that'll sort out more maternity leave and don't be unprofessional, leaving a meeting because a mate phones having one of her regular crises is totally unprofessional. Stop responding to her every call, she's got you well trained! What will she do when you have the baby and you physically can't run to her? Do you really want her round your baby?

Do you need to be needed? Is that why you drop everything and run? Doesn't your DP get pissed off with the mindless stupidity of her and your immediate response?

Oh and yeah, break up with her, she's a waste of space, you can't save her.

She does not see you as a friend, your relationship is more of a indulging partner and immature entitled child.

Please tell me you tore her off a strip for sending a message like that when you are pregnant. That incident alone is reason to go NC with her.

You need to have serious chat with her and and no more bail outs, no more cash, calls in the middle of the night. My time and energy will be directed elsewhere. I think will lead to her feeling hard done by.

You need to ask???

Is there anything you can do to salvage the meeting?

I think you have to

Absolutely not being unreasonable. Her behaviour is terrible and your relationship sounds slightly unhealthy. She has got into the habit of being useless and won’t sort herself out with you as a safety net, so arguably it’s for her good as well as yours.
I have no words for the pretend suicide threat - that is absolutely appalling

Oh my god how awful, yes I think you need to cut her loose - for your health if anything, and the health of your baby, you don’t need this added stress with your pregnancy. She seems to see you as an ATM and a counsellor, not an equal.

Oh my god how awful, yes I think you need to cut her loose - for your health if anything, and the health of your baby, you don’t need this added stress with your pregnancy. She seems to see you as an ATM and a counsellor, not an equal.

Over the years I have probably bailed her out to the tune of about £5k

I didn’t read beyond this point.

DITCH THE BITCH. You can be my new pal. I will treat you right. I take BACs transfer, btw. 🤗

Seriously though, she sounds like a drama llama and a user. You, on the other hand, sound a bit too nice and accommodating. Fatal combination.

I dumped my best friend 3 months ago. It was a 15 year friendship that she ruined. My life has been more carefree and less dramatic since we stopped speaking

It sounds like she needs some additional help. I think you need to tell her to visit a doctor. Spending lots of money to the point of bankruptcy, multiple crises, drinking, unpredictable behaviour, suicide threats - could she perhaps have bipolar, BPD or something else which has been wrongly identified as "just" depression?

even with that in mind, you're pregnant and you need to focus on yourself and your work now more than ever. I'd 100% think about stepping back from your friend and stop giving so much of yourself (physically, emotionally and financially) to her.

Be prepared for her to threaten suicide etc again though as soon as you cut ties....

For your own mental health and well being you need to rid of this barnacle of a friend who sucks you dry and gives precisely fuck all back.

Good riddance.

Break away from her OP, you need to take of yourself ñd your baby. You've done enough.

I think you maybe need to reflect on why this friendship has cost you 5k and 2 months of ML. What are your other relationships costing you?

She sounds like a chore...for the sake of your own sanity, and your own finances...let her go...she is using you because she knows she can click her fingers and you will do what she asks...that's not friendship,

Let her go, you will feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulders at not having to deal with her drama and pay her debts for her and pick her up in the middle of the night...

I got to the first bit about being owed 5k, and was already saying in my head to end it.

Yes it's nice to be nice but the main thing I learnt in therapy was that it was okay to put myself and my needs first. You shouldn't try to set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Don't think twice and end it already OP.

There doesn't have to be a big falling out, just start with not replying to messages straight away. Turn your phone off more. Say no to meeting up etc.

Bloody hell. SO many reasons to ditch her. And it may very well be the best thing for her. You do not need or deserve this in your life. Once you've move past any associated (misplaced!) guilt you'll realise you've absolutely done the right thing. And I say that as someone who'd probably find themselves in your position x

You've all pretty much said what I think I knew anyway.

I think I need to wait until I've calmed down to speak to her properly, I haven't responded to any calls or messages today and I will speak to her when I am ready to explain to her how I feel about the whole thing.

I think I've left it so long because I really hate confrontation and often I don't mind being there to help people but there comes a point where you can't be everything to everyone anymore

I had a best friend like that. We were BFF - extremely close, but she behaved a lot like your friend and told her DP a LOT of lies about me. No-one needs that sort of friend - basically because they're not really a friend.

That's shit OP.
My mum always said there are two types of people in this world: radiators and drains. You've got yourself a drain.
Will you be meeting up with her face to face or calling/texting?

I can't understand the not asking for money back, I know she's never offered and she's clearly a user but you're letting her. It's one thing to be nice but it sounds like you need to be her "saviour".

She's behaved appalingly. I agree with pp that you should encourage her to see her gp. Her kids must be impacted too.

You know what OP this avoiding confrontation thing does get a lot easier when you start doing it, especially when it comes to unpicking parasites from your person.

If you want rid of your friend, add up how much she owes you and ask for it back. Shell avoid you like the plague.

You need to leave her, slowly drop contact for both your sakes. Perhaps she will realise and change her ways (she needs to do this without your help). You will have a child to consider soon and don't need to spend your days distracted by craziness. good luck!

I thinking its so important that you only surround yourself with positive people now that you're having a child. You dont want to drag your child into her chaos..