AIBU to 'break up' with my friend

[penelopepig]

This might be a controversial one but here goes nothing...

I think it might be time to 'break up' with my 'best friend'. Or am I being a selfish bitch?

We've been very close friends for ten years and we have always laughed about how different we are and our backgrounds are but maybe we are just TOO different. For context, in the last ten years, approx every 3 months, she will have some kind of crisis. Usually she's leaving her fiancé or it's financial difficulty. Over the years I have probably bailed her out to the tune of about £5k, none of which I've ever asked for back, nor has it been offered back. I've picked her up from police stations after piss ups, I've picked her up pissed from the middle of town at 3am countless times.

She has two young children and a history of depression which has always been manageable. I also have a mental health condition so feel I can sympathise when things are bad.

I have never once needed her to help me out with anything, I'm not really the kind of person who needs help often and for a while it's been feeling like a very one sided relationship where I am left picking up the pieces every time something goes wrong yet her behaviour never changes.

I recently helped her file for bankruptcy (paid the £680 for her) as her debt problem has completely spiralled out of control and it seemed she may be starting to get her shit together.

Yesterday, my phone started buzzing in an important meeting so I excused myself in case it was the hospital (I'm 26 wks pregnant and have just recently had some tests) and it was multiple messages from her telling me I had to promise her I was going to look after her two kids as she was going to kill herself.
Obviously, I left work straight away to find her but she wasn't at home and wouldn't tell me where she was and wouldn't pick up the phone. It was only when I threatened to call the police that she revealed she was with her DP and would be fine. Turns out they were both pissed in the pub and had a row.

It's not all about money but leaving that meeting cost me a significant amount of money that could have afforded me an extra two month's maternity leave (I'm self employed) when it turns out she was just pissed. AIBU to think it's completely out of order to put that kind of emotional pressure on someone, especially when they're pregnant?

My first instinct is always to help people and I want her to be okay and get her life in order so she can be happy but I'm starting to think the friendship might just be too detrimental to my own well-being...

Just wondering what your childhood was like, OP? Sometimes if we have had a dysfunctional childhood (abusive, or addiction probs) then we can become people pleasers and fixers. I am one myself, and users seem to be able to spot me a mile off and exploit me. It sounds as though you might have that same compulsion to fix and save?

It can be really helpful to learn about why you are the way you are, it can also help with boundaries in the future so you don't get targeted by manipulative people.

So you're at work and she's busy getting pissed?
She has deliberately repeatedly taken advantage of you. It doesn't sound like she respects you or care a jot about you. It's all about her. If I were you I'd not bother with a conversation. She will guilt trip you and you'll feel bad as you're clearly a good person. I'd probably just phase her out of my life, or send a short text to say you think you've outgrown the friendship/ wish her well and then block.

Yes dump her.

Or, don't dump her but never again give her money or your time. Just don't.

I expect a confrontation will go badly for you given your people pleasing and her being a right CF. There is no need for a confrontation. You can ghost her.

I can’t believe how much money you’ve given this user. And the equivalent of two months’ maternity pay now as well.

This might be a controversial one

Why on earth would you think that? Do you think anyone is going to say-oh don’t be mean, she sounds lovely.

She knows you are a soft touch
By all means help her practically from time to time but stop giving her money.
People like this know what they are doing.
A mental health problem isn’t an excuse to treat others like shit.

No need for confrontations, just block her. You do not owe her any kind of explanation. Going nc will be self explanatory.

Don’t ghost her:

a) it’s a shit thing to do but
b) she sounds so volatile you’d definitely get her banging down your door

If you can’t do a meeting tell her why it’s done via email. Give really simple reasons and just press “send”. That’s it. Done.

I don't think you need to "break up" with her, but less involvement in her life would be a good start. Make her stand on her own two feet! Distance the time you see her, distance the amount of contact you have and don't lend her another penny or be her taxi whenever she needs it. Your post doesn't mention any other children but as you are pregnant I would use this as a perfect reason to having less involvement with her. She is a "taker" and although it's not about giving to receive, some things need to be reciprocated, whereas this sounds very one sided on your behalf. Less contact, less care, moving on with your family

OK seems like everyone else disagrees but I don't think you should "break up" with her if she is such a close friend, if you still like her and enjoy the non drama times.

But you should draw a hard line, no more money, payment plan to pay you back, no more drama, you won't answer calls at work, any texts about suicide etc you'll just call the police immediately, etc.

If you still have some affection for her that is. If this has caused you to lose all feelings and respect for her, then yes, dump her.

Not quite the same but I have a friend who used to always borrow money and never pay it back. It was getting to the point where I really didn't like her because of it. But when I made a rule that I'd never lend again, not even 50p, we became friends again and now she's one of my closest friends. And she's sorted out her money situation.

I think you will need to write that money off. She effectively used you, stole your money and your time. Dont let her steal anymore.

Yes OP, I think you need to drop her asap.
Imagine if a friend asked you this question......turn it on it's head...what would you advise her to do.
We can be too close to the situation sometimes to see the truth.
Good luck with your pregnancy and D baby