Wet at pick-up

[Aleela]

DD has been at nursery since 2, she is now just turned 3. We have been potty training for a few months now. At home, she will wet herself in knickers or clothes as she cannot pull them down herself and will not ask me to do it for her in time, other times she just wets herself and continues sitting in it. However, with no underwear/leggings on she is fine and will take herself for a wee with no issue. Sometimes she will tell me she needs a wee before she hops on, other times she won't.

Nursery were the ones who told us they thought she was ready to potty train. Yet, there have been about 4 times now when I have picked her up from nursery and she is wet from wetting herself - trousers wet to touch, socks wet, shoes smelling of wee!!!! I have had to change her into fresh clothes in the toilet before bringing her home. I asked them about it t( I assumed she had just done a mega wee before I picked her up) and they said she must have just done it. But it keeps happening.

She is very shy and won't ask them to go to the toilet, and if they ask her she is likely to say no because she doesn't like going and sitting on potty as she would rather play - you have to get her to sit on it and try in a nursery situation, it's not like at home where she has the choice with the potty there constantly.

From what I gather, they don't have set 'toilet times' and seem to take the younger ones in at random times when one of them needs it, in pairs or trios, while the older ones seem to just ask or walk through the door to the toilet by themselves.

What should I say to them? I think they will just insist she keeps weeing just as arrive. AIBU to expect them to notice a child who is wet enough to have soaked socks and shoes!?!?

If it really is the clothing issue I'd agree with Marci, just get her some looser joggers and pants.
Our DD has had long standing issues (turns out she was terribly impacted) but at one point we tried trousers only without pants, but she got really sore, so watch out for that - wet trousers seemed to make her more sore than wet pants.
If it's warm enough at nursery, you could alternatively try a dress with joggers and pants underneath, but take off the joggers once you get to nursery.

I wouldn't go back to pull ups, they are just nappies.

Also agree stop with leggings, we found pyjama-type joggers

Ah, she has some of those!

Why don't you just put her in pull ups.
I would far rather my child could stay dry and wear a pull up, then have spares in her bag, that be in wet clothing.
Every time she comes home with a dry pull up take her to buy a 50p gift...
Something like a cake mix you can make together as a reward....

Maybe try pull ups instead of going back to nappies. They're a good compromise as you can still continue to try with potty training but with less pressure. They aren't as absorbent so your DD should still feel slightly wet or you can put pants under the pull up so she is aware when she's had an accident but without the mess and drama.

I'd talk to her keyworker (at drop off

She is away for 6 months and I don't know who is standing in (she left at Xmas and dd's just gone back today as she was ill last week). But, even when she was there she doesn't start work at 8am when dd is dropped-off, there are other members of staff. They have breakfast or play together then get separated into their group rooms between 8.30-9.00 so I think her key worker didn't start until 9 anyway because she was never there in the mornings.

It's difficult at this age. But she will get it eventually, so just bear with it. I found it very hard with my first who was in childcare and nursery. I used to find myself caught between what they would tell me was best and what I did at home. I often felt lost and like I didn't know how to bring up my own child, or didn't know what was right. It's such pressure.
Your girl will turn out absolutely fine. This won't last forever. She's happy and healthy. A little bit of wet won't really hurt anyone. You love your daughter and are doing a great job.
My daughter was exactly like yours, potty training took months and turns out she is a very independent type who know her own mind and won't be told.

My daughter was exactly like yours, potty training took months

It really shouldn't take months to potty train. If a child is ready it should take a week at most. (Ignoring night time as you can't train for that)

I know I probably come across as really unconfident and that I don't know what I'm doing. I do have issues with feeling like a good mum, trusting my instincts, and it shows sometimes, but I do have counselling to support me with that so hopefully this will change.

Pull ups are nappies. They just have a different name on the packet.

Have a word with the manager, or with the office who can tell you who to speak to.

If a child is ready it should take a week at most.
Rubbish. My DS was ready and it took a couple of months.

I now think that my DD was also ready as she improved over the first couple of months but then got impacted and spent over a year like that.

I tried to PT mine at two but the only one who grasped it that young was DC3, even so she had the odd accident especially when we were out of the house until she was 3.5. It wasn’t a massive deal, they were all potty trained by the time they were in school which is when it really matters. Three isn’t too old whatsoever, I think if they’re four and above you have a problem.

You need to complain a lot more about this, it isn’t fair on your DD. Also need to encourage DD to have the confidence to mention needing the loo to them more. Speak to the staff and come up with a solution, maybe a signal she can discretely give them to signify needing to go?

Just to add 3 is not late to potty train, very common and thinking is that as nappies are better quality these days children do stay in them longer as they don't find them uncomfortable.

You will get there,like every stage it's just an adjustment. My boy potty trained brilliantly at 2.5years but now every few months randomly starts wetting regularly again. They all have their challenges.

Whatever I do I worry that another way would have been better. I think a lot of mum's feel like that. Its not productive, usually there are many ways to do anything and all of them are good enough. I am trying to be kind to myself more often and remember my children know they are loved and that's the most important thing.

I agree that she is probably wearing herself at pickup “deliberately” because she knows you are coming, So I wouldn’t assume she has been wet a long time. I would go down the easier clothes route as a first resort - at 3 it should be possible to find clothes that are manageable.

Weeing herself. Not wearing herself which would be a good trick...

Try not to worry! Some children take longer but they all end up trained.
The key worker thing....you're probably right that it's affected her confidence a little.

I've worked in nurseries and playgroups. It should be obvious that a wee is soaked in or just done iyswim. I recommend clothes in grey marl, or mid range shades, as they plainly show when wet. Avoid black, navy, white, as it shows much less.

If you decide to continue without nappies but her in shortish dresses - a line dresses are good and baggy knickers so she can deal with the clothing issue better herself.

Make sure you arrive to collect on time.
If she's wet, say ' please change dd into dry clothes.'
Ignore the 'only just done it' because she probably hasn't, but you can't prove it.
Just smile, but be firm, Please change dd ' etc. Make them do the work.
They'll take more notice in future.

recommend clothes in grey marl, or mid range shades, as they plainly show when wet. Avoid black, navy, white, as it shows much less.

I hadn't thought of that even though now you've said it it's so obvious. She wears a lot of grey but she's definitely been in navy/dark purple etc before when she's been wet at pick-up. Lots of practical advice.

Thanks ll83

I have a just turned 3 year old. She was fairly late at cracking potty training (only been dry about 4 or 5 months). I think at 3 I'd be sticking with knickers, putting her back in nappies will just confuse her. I think I'd as already suggested put her in very easy loose clothes pale in colour so if she does have an accident it's very noticeable. I'd also see if her Key worker could maybe take her to the loo at regular intervals (I'm not sure how practical this is though?). My daughter is looked after by my parents so it is easier than a nursery environment but my little girl cracked it by being taken to the loo once an hour or so (even when she said she didn't need it) until she just took herself. Now the only time she'll have an accident is if she takes herself and can't get her pants off.

I think there are two issues, the potty training and the shyness. If she is feeling too shy to tell the nursery workers she needs to go then she is probably holding on for too long and then trying to get her leggings down in a hurry and getting in a muddled panic as she is so desperate to go. At 3 she is old enough to feel embarrassed and upset with herself for accidents so just give her all the love and try to keep it positive "I have every faith in you getting the hang of this" rather than judgey or shaming "no sticker for you today!"

It's normal for accidents to happen when they are this age. Even reception age kids have accidents from time to time when they get really absorbed in things or miss opportunities to go at the right time.

I'd speak to nursery about the shyness and ask them to help by asking her every couple of hours and praising her lots when she initiates getting to the loo, even if she doesn't get the pants down quite in time.

We had similar wet pick ups for a while and I wasn't sure if she was weeing with relief when I got there if that makes any sense. I tried putting her in loose grey marl leggings every day so that accidents were really obvious and low and behold the staff spotted them and changed her every afternoon. I also complained to them about her being wet at pick up as this is neglect on their part. Every ignored accident was a missed opportunity on their part too for helping her learn.

Some kids like my DD just seem to take a while longer to really get the hang of it and you may well have another couple of years of occasional accidents ahead so try to minimise any shame associated with it as it will only add to the shyness.

Good luck, she will get there in the end x

I agree that three is late and I'd find some clothes she finds easy to work herself.

I'd put her in skirts and easy to pull up pants.

Dd had to have a nappy on to pooh until she was about 3.5.

Also, get her key worker on board. Ask for help with this particular issue. Agree on what is going to happen eg taken to potty after snack, and before story time, or whatever fits in.
I wouldn't expect them to ask her every half hour or anything like that. (They'll both go crackers) just take her to loo at set intervals. Asking isn't much use imo. Most children will just say no. They do need ushering in in a matter of fact way'time to go' .

I have never heard of leaving potty training late as “trendy” ?
What??

Poor girl, it does sound like she might not be ready, but you know better than anyone on here. And I think at 3 you're right, it might confuse her to stop now.

First off nursery are being VU for leaving her in wet clothes. They should change her as soon as they notice she's had an accident. Is she getting sore from being in wet clothes? I would complain, not in a formal way but next time you drop/pick her up just say can you change her ASAP if she has an accident please, she keeps getting rashes after nursery from being in wet clothes.

Secondly I would ask them to take her to the toilet at intervals like the younger kids. They did this in the 2-3 class at DS' nursery and he only ever had one accident there.

We recently had a minor issue with DS' nursery as he turned 3 in December and so has been moved to the 3-4 class. He'd gone for a poo on his own, but not told anyone and just pulled his pants up without wiping (we always wipe him after a poo) so had a sore bum. They did change him as soon as they noticed though! But when they explained it, it was very much "the kids in this class tend to go off on their own to the toilet". Which is fine for DS if it's just a wee, but at just turned 3 he doesn't wipe his own bum. So every time we drop him since, we remind them that he can't wipe himself and to follow him/check if he is doing a poo, and made the point that he was sore after last time. Sometimes the staff need reminding that different children have different needs, so no harm in reminding them of your DD's and how you would like them to handle it. You are paying a fortune for her childcare at the end of the day so I would be very cross at her being wet at every pick up!