Wet at pick-up

[Aleela]

DD has been at nursery since 2, she is now just turned 3. We have been potty training for a few months now. At home, she will wet herself in knickers or clothes as she cannot pull them down herself and will not ask me to do it for her in time, other times she just wets herself and continues sitting in it. However, with no underwear/leggings on she is fine and will take herself for a wee with no issue. Sometimes she will tell me she needs a wee before she hops on, other times she won't.

Nursery were the ones who told us they thought she was ready to potty train. Yet, there have been about 4 times now when I have picked her up from nursery and she is wet from wetting herself - trousers wet to touch, socks wet, shoes smelling of wee!!!! I have had to change her into fresh clothes in the toilet before bringing her home. I asked them about it t( I assumed she had just done a mega wee before I picked her up) and they said she must have just done it. But it keeps happening.

She is very shy and won't ask them to go to the toilet, and if they ask her she is likely to say no because she doesn't like going and sitting on potty as she would rather play - you have to get her to sit on it and try in a nursery situation, it's not like at home where she has the choice with the potty there constantly.

From what I gather, they don't have set 'toilet times' and seem to take the younger ones in at random times when one of them needs it, in pairs or trios, while the older ones seem to just ask or walk through the door to the toilet by themselves.

What should I say to them? I think they will just insist she keeps weeing just as arrive. AIBU to expect them to notice a child who is wet enough to have soaked socks and shoes!?!?

Sticker chart for staying dry.
Asking her every half hour if she needs a wee.
Sitting her on the toilet every hour if she hasn't had a wee.

I actually think she is ready. The issue is the dressing and undressing. If she goes at home when she is free of clothes happily then she sounds very much ready to carry on outside of the home her issue is with her shyness in asking for help with her clothes. Buy some very lose fitting jogging bottoms for her. Tights and leggings are much harder to take off. Don’t just stop what you have started. She is doing well at home. Also do lots of play acting dressing up at home. So it’s fun but also helping her with the task of dressing.
Good luck

Yeah I'd put her in loose jogging bottoms and no pants for nursery and my DD nursery recommended sending them in croc type shoes while they were still at risk of accidents as they can be easily rinsed and dried.

Agree with Yura. If you don't want to go back to nappies would pull ups for nursery be a good compromise? Believe me, toilet training will be so much easier for both of you when your dd is fully ready. I bought 2 potties for my dd so she had a cheaper and smaller one for her dolls and other soft toys to sit on, while she sat on the bigger one that was a three in one (sat a bit higher, had a seat that could also be placed on the toilet and a sturdy lid so it could be used as a step up to the toilet). Children learn a lot from pretend play. Being able to dress and undress is important too. So, maybe play dress ups with her to develop that skill. My dd was over 3 and when she was ready we only had a few accidents the first couple of days and some of those happened on the way to the toilet.

They are not taking proper care of her if she is wetting herself every single time she's at nursery. They should be aware that she needs to taken to the loo every 30 mins. She is not potty trained if she keeps wetting herself, therefore they should be taking her regularly and making sure she has the opportunity to wee. If I were you, I'd do one of two things:

1. Go and meet with her key worker and insist that she is treated as a DC who is still potty/toilet training and that she is taken to the toilet on a schedule of every 30 mins for the whole time she is at nursery (surely they are doing this anyway with the ones who are still training??). You could also put her in Pull-Ups when she's there so that her clothes don't get soaking wet.

2. Back off for now. In all honesty, if you wait until SHE is ready and telling you 'I want to be a big girl and wear pants' then you'll save yourself a lot of washing and frustration!

3 isn’t considered late on MN but in rl it really is. I dread to think of the piles of pull ups piling up in landfill due to this ‘he/she will do it when they’re ready’.

However, it sounds like it’s her shyness and problems with the clothes (quite understandable) that could be the issue.

Does she know when she needs to go for a wee
Sometimes she doesn't go until the last second and I see the moment of realisation on her face as she has the mad dash for the potty. Other times she goes calmly after saying she needs a wee and it's in good time. Other times she forgets because she's really into something.

She does not like going for poos on potty. I've noticed her trying to hold it in, and then going in the shower in the evening. If I notice, I try to comfort her and sit her on it and read her a story and give her her comforter, explain it hurts because she's holding it and she will feel better if she goes etc. Often she ends up going in potty, but there have been times she has asked specifically to have a nappy on to go in for that.

I think it would probably be best to try taking her regularly to the toilet as a first step. Do you take her to the toilet before dropping her at the nursery? Then they could take her at 10 am and 12 am (or after lunch depending on her schedule).
They start school at 3 (or as young as 2 and half) here and that's what the school does at the beginning. They take the whole of the class to the toilets at regular intervals.
IMO she sounds like she is ready but just need a bit of encouragement.

She isn't quite ready. My daughter sounded very similar and we were all getting frustrated so I went back to nappies for 3 months and worked on getting her doing her trousers on and off at nappy change time. When I tried again she literally got it in 24 hours and has had two accidents in 8 months since.

I really don't like this whole '3 is late' thing about toilet training. All kids are so different. My daughter was out of nappies at 2 and a half, so when my son got to that age I thought, 'great, let's have a go!'. He was just not interested. Didn't have a clue and got upset about the whole thing. I stopped trying for about a year! Figured we'd get there when he was ready. It took until he was 3 and a half but the whole process was done in a couple of days and he had far fewer accidents at night. Some kids just need a little longer x

Your first step really is to stop dressing her in clothes she finds tight to take on and off. You might think she looks pretty in her leggings, but she needs to be wearing loose joggers. If she knows she needs to go, but is struggling to get her clothes off then it’s just going to frustrate and upset her, and then she won’t want to try.

3 isn’t considered late on MN but in rl it really is

oh shut up. its not late at all.

there is absolutely no point training a child who's not ready. It will just be accident after accident and guess what you'll ruin the planet running your washer and dryer 3 times a day too.

When they're ready, they're ready and forcing it when they're clearly not is beyond thick.

3 isn’t considered late on MN but in rl it really is.

Really? My DS will be 3 in March and isn't potty trained. Out of the eleven babies in his NCT group born around the same time, only two are completely potty trained.

He's in the pre school room at nursery where kids go up to age 4 and it doesn't seem to be abnormal at all to not be potty trained by 3 IRL. Nursery and I have both agreed he isn't ready.

There isn’t a set age for being ready. Stop the nonsense about landfill because people leave it too late. Landfill isn’t the issue- it’s waiting until the child is ready to do it. Anything other than that is cruel.

They shouldn’t need weeks and months of being wet and not being able to control it. when they are ready it’ll be a couple of days max.

Listen to your child and not the nursery. We all do things at different times in our lives. A few months when they are still young is a lifetime. They may just not be ready.

My poor DH had to be hospitalised for constipation when he was a young child because he was potty trained aged 18 months before he was ready. It was "trendy" back then to potty train early, along with many other things we don't do any more like weaning at 8 weeks, whisky on the gums and rusks in bottles.

Lots of children have this problem...she's nearly there! I'd put her in a dress while she's at nursery....if it's cold you could put tights on her for the journey there and back.

You might think she looks pretty in her leggings, but she needs to be wearing loose joggers

It's not about her looking pretty, is it. she just has loads of leggings as they are cheap and loads of multipacks, I wasn't trying to make it deliberately hard for her just for the sake of her looking pretty, she does have joggers but I don't think they are loose enough thinking about it even though I went up a size. I take the advice though.

If she’s wet right down to her shoes there’s a good chance she’s holding it and is actually going just as you arrive because she’s more comfortable with you changing her. Children who hold enough to do big wees like that are generally ready to potty train but just need more confidence to ask for help.

Are the same staff in the room every time she’s there? Maybe ask the one she seems happiest with to work with building her confidence to ask for help.

We had a child who was ready but used wetting as a way of getting attention. We worked on making sure they had plenty of positive attention in other ways and got stickers when they asked or remembered to go themselves instead of being reminded. This worked and they were dry quickly afterwards.

It does sound as though she isn’t quite ready, as she needs to be able to dress and undress herself first.

3 isn’t late really, I have no idea why others see it as a race to get dc potty trained, as long as dry by the time they start school it’s no problem. The milestones are simply guidelines and all dc will be early for some and late for some. It’s not as though it will affect their adult life at all. My ds for example, was walking and talking at 10 months but didn’t sleep through the night until he was 5! Neither of which matter now he is a teenager.

Perhaps put her into pull ups for a while and concentrate on helping her learn how to dress and undress herself independently. Then pick a time when you can be at home for a week and work on it then. We did that with both dc and they were dry within a few days, no stress for anybody.

If she can manage at home then she is ready in my opinion.

She probably is wetting just before you arrive because nobody would leave her to sit like that and there must be many adults there.

I would ask nursery to tell her/strongly encourage to go to toilet half way through session.

I would look for some clothes that she can manage perhaps joggies are easier than leggings and encourage her to practice. At home i would get her to wear pyjama shorts as they are really easy to get up and down. She will get it.

I had this issue with my DDs nursery during potty training.
I moved her nursery and never had the problem again.
The new nursery had regular toilet breaks and made sure to help them.
I'm not saying you should move her, but that is what I ended up doing (for other reasons but it ended up solving the issue too).

I think a lot has to do with their policies on this.

If you truly feel she's "Getting it" at home, I would persevere. It strikes me that maybe she's holding it at nursery and then is so excited to see you she can't hold it any more? My son was a bit like this, very good at holding it until something distracted him! I would request that they take her half an hour before you pick her up (if possible!).

He also hated (still hates it at 5) "trying", so we did rewards for trying for a while. That seemed to help. At his nursery though, they had free access to small toilets and were allowed to bring their own potty in if wanted.

I'd talk to her keyworker (at drop off not pick up, so you're not dealing with a wet child at the same time!) and if you're not happy with the response talk to the manager. Not to dob the keyworker in, but because they pressured you into potty training, you've done your bit but they are not supporting you!

Also agree stop with leggings, we found pyjama-type joggers best (baggy but not bulky). Lots of teaching her to pull up at the sides as well as front and back. I'd skip knickers at nursery until she's cracked it.

Yes to loose joggers and maybe the next size up in pants, make it easier.
I've worked in nurseries and 'she must have just done it' is the standard lazy get out answer. Make them change her to go home. Stand there chatting, but make them do the work. I think you'll find they become much more pro active very quickly.

Thanks everyone for the advice. She does like using the potty when she gets it right, but I am worried about forcing it (especially with the number 2s and My uncle and sister also had a problem with this and needed medication, uncle hospital similar to pp).

Firstly I agree with the view that going back to nappies and taking a break will make things worse and that at 3, you really need to start progressing with this.

Have you tried changing her clothing style? Skirts and dresses worked well with my DD as she only had to pull up knickers and not faff with leggings.

Also, speak with nursery and see what they do. It can be busy for them with lots going through potty training and they can't ask them all constantly if they need the loo. You said DD takes herself to the loo at home so she should be able to manage that in a nursery setting also.