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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hate the dress

53 replies

Hisnamesblaine · 15/01/2019 22:52

I've posted before 're good friends wedding and hen party concerns......any ho. Went bridesmaid dress shopping yesterday and the dress is nice enough..... if you were tall and size 8. I however am a shortarse size 16 sometimes 18.........
The other bridesmaids are in a similar shape and size to me....... one of them does have height on her side tho. Only the MOH looks good in it..... And of course she was the driving force behind choosing it. I am currently attending a slimming club and do have a goal in mind but I have such anxiety over this dress that I really do not want to be a bridesmaid. It's off the shoulder and one were you can't wear a bra...... I know I will feel uncomfortable the whole day in it and I hate the thought of the photos. I do have low self esteem and I can't help but feel my friend has catered the the wants of her MOH (shes scary) without taking the rest of us into account. I know I should just suck it up and make my friend happy but it annoys me that I wasn't even allowed a opinion. My ABI is would I be a total arsehole if I pulled out altogether. I would much rather be a guest and just enjoy the day. I'm sorry if I sound like a spoilt brat I'm just so nervous

OP posts:

Original poster

Hisnamesblaine · 15/01/2019 23:34

I honestly be live because the MOH is so in love with the dress the shit will really hit the fan if we have to change it. The dress have been ordered
But as far as I'm aware not yet paid for

OP posts:

SilentShadows · 15/01/2019 23:36

Take the dress to a Bravissimo shop OP - I promise you they'll be able to find you a bra to go under it. It won't solve everything if you really hate the dress, but it might help.

IdleBetty · 15/01/2019 23:37

You need to get in their first and tell the bride you would prefer to be a guest.

Do it now before anything is paid for, and before any of the other BM's do.

IdleBetty · 15/01/2019 23:37

there

tumpymummy · 15/01/2019 23:38

Then you need to speak up now! Have a word with the bride and tell her how you feel. If I were the bride I would hate for any of my bridesmaids to feel uncomfortable. If you don't the closer it gets to the wedding the more you will worry.

Original poster

Hisnamesblaine · 15/01/2019 23:46

I wish I could just suck it up. But I'm even dreaming about it. That's hows much it's playing on my mind. I'm really surprised she even asked me to be bridesmaid after our numerous shopping trips in the past and my sad moments in the dressing rooms!

OP posts:

StoppinBy · 15/01/2019 23:47

Can you wear a corset under it? I had a strapless corset that I wore for my wedding as there was no way I was going braless but my dress was essentially only straps at the back.

Your friend is being unfair to expect you to wear something you hate, I wouldn't pull out but I would tell her I was not wearing the dress, it's then up to her what she does.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/01/2019 23:53

I mad reference to the 3 of us who had wobbles and muffin tops etc
Well maybe the three of you should be adult enough to tell her and refuse to wear it/pull out?
then she has the choice of either only having one bm or getting something that flatters all of you.

Stop acting like wusses and deal with it.

OlennasWimple · 15/01/2019 23:56

Well, I wasn't going to be as blunt as Heebie, but I agree with her... You need to tell your friend about your concerns, and the fact that there are three of you in the same boat should give you both the courage to do it and a better chance that the bride will see your point of view

delboysskinandblister · 15/01/2019 23:57

If it's causing you to dream about it then you need to have a convo with the bride. As in tomorrow OP.

sk her has the dress been paid for and tell her how you feel. I think it's fair on her and you if you do this. You'll feel better just having spoken with her. I also think you should tell her how the MOH is making you feel about the dress. You will have to wear it after all and it may be Bride and Groom day but it's your body and you cannot lose 3/4 stone on demand. See if there's a compromise. I like what the previous poster said about Bravissimo. They are a good company.

loolooskip · 15/01/2019 23:57

If my bridesmaid had said she felt uncomfortable I'd have felt awful!

As it was I let them choose theirs own dresses.

I'd tell her, if she a nice friend she'll understand.

Original poster

Hisnamesblaine · 15/01/2019 23:57

I am a wuss. I would hate to wreck our friendship but I suppose i will have to be more direct

OP posts:

leftovercoffeecake · 15/01/2019 23:59

I've been to some weddings where the MOH is wearing a different dress to the bridesmaids, although the colour scheme is the same. So perhaps the MOH can stick with that dress and the three of you can wear the dress you liked?

If that's not an option, speak to the bride. If she refuses to change / let's the MOH walk over her, then say you're going to step down and come as a guest. When she realises she's losing bridesmaid's over this, she might change her mind.

Fiveletters · 16/01/2019 00:02

I think you need to be blunt with her. The MOH is being forceful and getting her own way, you won’t win this by dropping hints.

DeRigueurMortis · 16/01/2019 00:04

I honestly don't understand this attitude at all.

When I got married I wanted everyone to be happy and look good.

I certainly didn't want my bridesmaids feeling uncomfortable about what they were wearing - I wanted them to look lovely and most importantly feel good/comfortable in what they wore.

They were different sizes/shapes so the best option was co-ordinating dresses with the same accessories. Tbh I think it looked nicer and more classy than everyone wearing identical outfits.

I've just done a quick google and lots of bridal shops seem to offer co-ordinating bridesmaids dresses (different styles same colour, or with matching colour accents etc etc - see example picture).

As with anything I wouldn't ask anything of someone I wouldn't be prepared to do myself and having to spend the day (and be photographed) in a dress that was both unflattering and uncomfortable would be non negotiable for me.

In your case I'd have another word with the bride. Be blunt and be clear that your not wearing a dress that looks ghastly on you and prevents you wearing a bra. She needs to think about priorities - what's more important? A neckline or her friends dignity?

loolooskip · 16/01/2019 00:12

Most weddings here have the MOH in a different but similar dress.

Honestly, if my friend valued a neckline over my self consciousness I'd fuck them off.

MustShowDH · 16/01/2019 00:12

Can you suggest a different style of dress in the same material? Lots of bridal shops offer this as there are so many shapes and sizes of bridesmaid.

ShesAnEasyLlama · 16/01/2019 00:19

It's not unusual for the MOH to wear a different style - could she not wear this dress she loves and the rest of you wear something else that flatters you better in the same colour?

I'm bridesmaid for my DSis soon (not MOH). She's chosen a dress that will work on all of us, but the MOH will have different accessories and bouquet whilst I am having different shoes and hair, so we're all the same in some ways and different in others. I like it, we're different people and it's a nod to each of us as individuals. I like that she's not insisting we all look identical.

UniversalAunt · 16/01/2019 00:22

Ditto Bravissimo.

A properly fitting bra for an outfit can take 10lbs off.

Take the outfit in with you.
Lovely well trained staff take you into your own lockable private cubicle, & will fit you by eye at first & take it from there, Having the outfit with you try on with a variety of properly fitting bras will make all the difference & give you a boost on the day.

One word of caution, as you loose weight your bra size will change. So try to have the bra fitting a couple of weeks before the big day for a better fit AND leaves time in case you have to order your size in a preferred colour, e.g. bra fits in shop but they only have black & you need taupe. IMEx, ordered bras arrive within a few days from central warehouse - very slick customer service.

Also take the Three Muffintops with you to be fitted as well. Then embark on a pre-nuptial slosh-up, y’know team building, bonding & all that.

Original poster

Hisnamesblaine · 16/01/2019 00:25

I'm concerned that the dress shop have ordered the dresses so it's a done deal.

OP posts:

Cherry83 · 16/01/2019 00:30

Can your dress have wide straps added? I had a seamstress do this for my bridesmaid who would not have felt comfortable wearing a strapless bra. I also had a matching shawl/wrap made for her so she could cover up tops of arms.

delboysskinandblister · 16/01/2019 00:32

i note you say you are in such anxiety with this dress and suffer with low esteem. Two very good reasons to speak now or forever hold your peace. I find it helpful to write down some bullet points. Or copy and paste what you've posted here and then work on how you would say it to her. She is your friend and should understand. you could start with I really think its only fair to have a chat with you sooner rather than later because I am feeling very nervouse about this dress and how I feel in it. Then go through your bullet points. If she is a good friend she will at least listen and see if there is any area she can help you.

You need to find a way to stand up for yourself because you want to feel happy and happy for your friend and the day. If you leave it too late then it's not fair on you. Do it tomorrow and catch up on some sleep

delboysskinandblister · 16/01/2019 00:33

*If you leave it too late then it's not fair on your friend or you

sorry

cordeliavorkosigan · 16/01/2019 00:36

if you haven't paid, then from your point of view it is not a done deal... but definitely speak with them sooner rather than later!

Original poster

Hisnamesblaine · 16/01/2019 00:39

Thanks for all your advice peeps x

OP posts:

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