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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him to go?

41 replies

conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 20:59

Okay I'm going to be a bit vague here because this is quite outing. Split with ex 18 months ago and he moved in with another woman immediately. However after being pushed into letting her meet my kids it started going south, which annoyed me but please read on.
Basically they split up and I'm fairly certain she thinks it's because I've took him back (I havent and definitely won't be doing)
However it's come out recently that she is moving four hours away. I know he misses her and it makes him miserable not being with her, but he thinks he should be around the DC (he would come back if I asked him but it would be for the kids)
Am I BU and bordering on insane to tell him to just go?? We can make it work with the dc, he drives. Tbh I don't think I will ever be able to move on with him around because he still sticks his nose into my life - he's always been very controlling. I do majority with the DC anyway so him being a weekend dad is normal now.

OP posts:
Neverender · 15/01/2019 21:00

It sounds like he's made his decision?

Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:00

What do you mean?

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 15/01/2019 21:01

i think you should let him make the decision for himself. Why would he do as you say anyway? If you are (accidentally or on purpose) stringing him along then you could make it clear there is no chance for you two in the future.

Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:03

I've made it perfectly clear that we are over. He just wouldn't move away from the DC without the green light from me. I do however cop for his moods and stuff which I know is because he misses her 😐

OP posts:
InspectorIkmen · 15/01/2019 21:04

I don’t think you should be making his decisions for him. YABU.

Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:05

I'm not making his decisions for him. I just think that's what he wants but he won't do it without the green light from me

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 15/01/2019 21:06

I'd almost be paying for his petrol money and waving him off. You'll be well rid. Make sure to get maintenance sorted asap. Do you have any family support near you in case you need a dig out with kids?

Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:08

Yeah I have plenty of support, he doesn't really and tried to build a life with her but I think deep down he convinced himself I wasn't coping. The only thing I struggled with was a new woman in my kids lives, which tbf she was trying to step on my toes because she saw me as a threat. I wish she'd bloody ask me if we were back together because I'd take great pleasure in saying 'hell no!'

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TeddybearBaby · 15/01/2019 21:09

I see what you mean I think...... Is it best for the kids that he’s 4 hours away, is that what you’re worried about, that it’ll benefit you but not them?

Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:11

Yeah I think the kids would be a bit upset at first but then I think they'd be absolutely fine because they spend most of the time with me anyway. Tbh he's a much nicer person when he's with her, so I think that's a good thing for them really

OP posts:
Boysandbuses · 15/01/2019 21:12

Hmmm you do realise he will blame you if his relationship still doesn't work OR the relationship with his kids does suffer.

As the kids get older they may resent he moving away so far for girlfriend. Regardless of how well you handle it.

He should make this decision himself and accept the cinsquences. His mood swings aren't acceptable and that's what you need to tell him.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/01/2019 21:12

Stop babying him.

He’s an adult and if you have such a level of involvement in his decision making I’m not surprised she thought you’d taken him back.

It’s motngealthy for you to be doing this for him- it’s a cop out. Tell him to make his own decision. My ex is the same, he likes me to say ‘no’ to things (admittedly not exact same circumstance) so he can blame if it goes tits up.

Tell him to make his own mind up and carry on as you were!

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/01/2019 21:13

*not healthy

Bloody phone

Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:14

She has absolutely no idea what level of involvement I have she doesn't know me. I'm also not that bothered what she thinks really because I'm pretty sure she was shagging my husband. However I think if and when she moves away things will turn really sour and why should I be the one to take his shit. If he's far away with her then he's her problem isn't he not ours that's the way I'm thinking

OP posts:
Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:15

I'm just thinking long term and whether it would make life easier him not being around the corner

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 15/01/2019 21:16

Don't become responsible for his decision by telling him to go, but make it clear that you will support him as a father to your children whatever he decides.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2019 21:17

Perfectly possible to make sensible healthy boundaries between you and focus on co parenting without interfering in his love life.

It’s not best for the DC for him to be 4 hours from them. It’s not just weekend and school contact, what about assemblies, plays, sports day, parents evenings, why would it be in their interest to spend hours on end in the car?

ErickBroch · 15/01/2019 21:17

Stay out of it - not a dig at you, but you really shouldn't get involved as you'll end up blamed for anything.

DoneLikeAKipper · 15/01/2019 21:19

Does she actually want him back? You seem to be trying to push your ex on this poor woman, regardless of her feelings on the matter. For all we know, she’s trying to get a fresh start from him as well - people don’t tend to move that far away on a whim. Why should your cast-off be her prize?

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/01/2019 21:19

It’s not your job to put up with his shit. Why are you doing that? Keep contact DC related and remind yourself and your ex that the relationship between you, apart from as parents, is over and neither of you needs to be at all involved with anything else, least of all other romantic relationships.

Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:20

@gottastopeatingchocolate that's what I
Mean really. I'm not just gonna say 'pack your bags and fuck off'

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BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 15/01/2019 21:20

Oh it’s certainly easier when they’re off your doorstep!

I’m sorry, I reread my comment and it sounded very bitchy when it wasn’t meant in that spirit- I wonder if he’s representing to her that you’re holding him back or has led her to the train of thought that you might have taken him back.

TeddybearBaby · 15/01/2019 21:21

How about saying to him ‘what’s stopping you moving away with so and so? I’d have thought you’d want to go’? If he says I can’t cos you won’t allow it or because of the children you can have a discussion.....

I’d want him gone I reckon, he sounds like a right pain 😂 x

Original poster
conflictedwithexh · 15/01/2019 21:22

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil
No worries I didn't take any offence 😊
I genuinely think it's possible he could have filled her head full of shit which is why she decided to have a problem with me, tbh I don't care what she thinks and if they're both gone life will be easier for us really

OP posts:
Gina2012 · 15/01/2019 21:25

I'd want him gone too but no way would I get involved in suggesting he go with his partner or stay around for the kids

None of your business

Absolutely none

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