To tell him to go?

[conflictedwithexh]

Okay I'm going to be a bit vague here because this is quite outing. Split with ex 18 months ago and he moved in with another woman immediately. However after being pushed into letting her meet my kids it started going south, which annoyed me but please read on.
Basically they split up and I'm fairly certain she thinks it's because I've took him back (I havent and definitely won't be doing)
However it's come out recently that she is moving four hours away. I know he misses her and it makes him miserable not being with her, but he thinks he should be around the DC (he would come back if I asked him but it would be for the kids)
Am I BU and bordering on insane to tell him to just go?? We can make it work with the dc, he drives. Tbh I don't think I will ever be able to move on with him around because he still sticks his nose into my life - he's always been very controlling. I do majority with the DC anyway so him being a weekend dad is normal now.

Without saying too much he makes it my business. The current set up is unhealthy really and I think he is still hoping to maintain control over me because he has nothing else to focus on

Has he asked how you and DC would feel about it? Is it that you feel he's waiting for your blessing somehow because otherwise I'm not sure anything you say will have that much bearing on his decision if he knows you're not getting back together.

I don't think it's sunk into him yet that he can't control me any more.

I’d encourage him to go.

The best thing to do is make it very clear to him that he's not getting his feet back under your table. Cut contact with him back to the absolute minimum - only communicate regarding the kids; if he wants to whine about his love life, shut it down with a polite smile and a 'Not my business, not my problem' approach.
It might not be such a bad idea to start 'dating' again - not with a view to actually finding a new partner, but to make it clear to the XH that he's surplus to requirements. It's no bad thing to have a few casual dates as long as you don't lead any of them on.

Having a dad 4 hours away is SHIT for kids. Stop being so selfish. He is doing the right thing prioritising them.

That's what I'm thinking. Gentle encouragement rather than actually telling him to. It's blatant that he wants to be with her and I'd rather not
Risk being blamed for his unhappiness when she's gone purely because I am the parent with care

He's miserable. It's not fair on them that he misses her so much and it impacts his life massively is it. Like I said they spend majority of the time with me.

Again I’ll ask - do you know if she wants him? You describe him as a horrible control freak that you’d happily send 4 hours away from your children. Yet you want this poor woman to put up with him?

Yes I'm 95% certain she'll take him back. She has a problem with ME. She sees me as a threat which is hardly surprising the way they started out but that really ain't my problem or fault is it

He's a control freak with me because I've always let him be. He's not the same with her for reasons I cannot go into because it's very identifying.

Yes, well you don’t stop existing 4 hours away. You have children together, you’ll always have to talk/meet. If anything it will make it worse - if she’s so jealous won’t she be driven mad any time he’s away visiting his children? What if she stops him visiting?

I think trying to manoeuvre the kids father away, so you don't have to make changes is a really bad move

I know a million percent if she tried to stop him seeing the kids he'd kick her to the kerb. It's such a complicated situation I'm just trying to think long term because I think my kids deserve happy parents

Look, this man is a worthless piece of shit and you can't make him into a good father by letting him have his own way. Shut him down, cut him out as much as possible and concentrate on helping your DC grow up happy and healthy despite his nonsense.

I'm doing the absolute best I can for my kids now they've got their heads round the fact their parents are getting divorced