To ask how you stay/sound firm with your children

[Autumnnymph]

My mum had the “look” - I simply don’t seem to have any of that wirh DD7. She has always been a boundary pusher and I am not expecting blind obedience but I wish sometimes she would just listen - DH says I sound soft and not firm. When I lay out consequences I do follow through but again I wish it didn’t have to come down to threatening before she listens.

Any tips on how you sound firm and let your DC know something isn’t up for negotiation ? She is quite timid and
Super obedient at school (her teachers words) - she pushes limits with DH but will shut up eventually - it’s me that takes the brunt of it so am sure it’s some kind of aura I Project. 😂

It’s been one of those days and I want to
Learn to wear a firm face -
Educate me!

You need to stop the "threatening." At her age, she knows which behaviours aren't acceptable. Sit down with her and explain that from now on, there will be consequences for her behaviour and there will not be any second chances. Tell her what the consequences will be and then stick to them EVERY single time.

When you're disciplining her, she should be standing in front of you and looking you in the eye, not running about as you holler after her.

Lastly, do not allow back talk! It's outrageous that you would allow her to argue with you or your husband. In her mind, that means you're on an equal playing field when she misbehaves, and that's just not/should not be true. You are the parent and you make the rules. They are not open to debate.

How quick do you follow through? I only have to look at mine and they’re silent. My friends kids have no fear of her what so ever because she threatens them 15 times and then let’s them get away with it anyway so they have learnt not bother listening to her in the first place.

You have to convince yourself that it will work. If she thinks that ignoring you might be a possibility, then she'll do it. So you have to convince yourself that she won't ignore you, and let that follow through in the way you speak.

Start low with threats, always have masses in reserve. I rarely had to go further than "I will get cross".

I pretend in my head that I am an incredibly successful and charismatic headmistress of an outstandingly wonderful and possibly quite strict school, and use the voice that that person would use. Along with the accompanying look. Try it, it works!

Handy hint: this technique can also be used successfully on other annoying people not just your children.

Threats = consequences. Make the consequences logical. "If you don't tidy this, I won't have time to do that thing you wanted me to do for you".

I disagree with PP about the talking back, I like to give my lot a chance to explain themselves as I think blind obedience is a bit silly and I think it helps them be able to stand up for themselves with others but it’s a chat we have not shouting or being disrespectful. But I second sticking to whatever consequence EVERY damn time and don’t give her too long between the action and consequence.

Say it once calmly and gently, a second time sharply and if you have to say it a third time, sound like a scary sergeant major and implement a consequence she will remember. Then disengage -giving the impression that you are so livid and disappointed that you don't want to speak to her. For at least 5 minutes.

Once you have done that a few times in the week it should be sufficient to say 'I've said that twice...'

I have cultivated the look. My DC know that when I give them the raised eyebrow they'd better do as they are asked. I discovered the other week that it still works on DS1 & he's 25

The look also works on my husband.

Oh yeah, I also do use consequences. And the ‘French Children Don’t Throw Food’ method with my two nearly three year old of occasionally saying ‘it’s mummy who’s I charge, it’s mummy who decides, not xyz!’

Despite all this, I am a very chill and beloved parent. It’s authority I’m seeking to have, not shouting and threats. I’m pretty lovey dovey and relaxed most of the time. Just not a pushover, I want to give them security and boundaries.

Have you watched the Amy Cuddy ted talk about wielding power (in a good way!) and faking it until you make it?

I’m fairly sure that the stern look is all about a raised eyebrow and head titled slightly down, and eyes up as though looking over a pair of pince-nez.... if you can’t master it, practice in the mirror. It saves lots of embarrassment in public when they are performing, you needn’t say a word, but they are in no doubt about how you feel about it....

You have to mean it!!!

If you don’t really think things are that bad and you are telling them off because ‘you think you should’, they’ll clock it.

So how do you believe your children should behave? If you truly believe whatever it is, then you’ll enforce it. And they’ll listen.

Thanks all! I must say DD is well behaved 95% of the time - its the 5% when she isn't listening that I need the tool kit for.

I dont believe in blind obedience - I was raised that way and still have issues speaking up many times!

I follow through on consequences immediately but I may be guilty of repeating it many times until i am sure its gotten through DD's ranting and wailing.

@nativityriot I will look up that video!

It’s authority I’m seeking to have, not shouting and threats.

^^ this is exactly what I want! Authority not fear.

@lifecouldbeadream I need to start practising that look!

I have 'the look' and also used to deepen my voice. Unbeatable together.

I have the look and couple it with a "really DS?" In an incredulous tone. Its because I laid the ground work when they were young with logical consequences.

Never needed to.

Positive parenting is a better approach.

I have never thretatened or punished.

I do the one two three method, I rarely get past one, and the times where I've got to two have got them moving pretty sharpish. I ask & explain - can you put your shoes on so we can go, then tell - shoes on, time to go out, if its still not done then mum starts counting.

If I got to three then its either time out or revoking of privilages/activities ie no baking until later, telly off until its done kind of thing or in my example I would physically move them put their shoes on anyway ( they're 5 and 2 so I can still get away with that )

I definitely have the look..and the voice My mum actually tells me not to do it as it reminds her of my dad. I can’t help it though and I know I sound like him I just can’t stop myself.

I usually only have to look at dd and she’ll stop, if she doesn’t I don’t make threats that I can’t carry out, I just say “if you don’t do x I am going to get cross and you will not be able to do xyz” I don’t allow any talking back, she’s like a little dictator and tries to talk over me and argue her case.

Even if it means a bit of a tantrum/sulking don’t let them try to overrule you. You don’t have to shout or be nasty, just firm [smile (the look is also useful on the dp!)

@Queenofthestress that worked when DD was younger :D 1,2,3 still works with her for the most part.

Its the arguing that comes with it for revoking of privileges that gets tiring - i don't give in - she knows that but still argues.

My 5 year old back chats and argues back, even when I tell him it makes mummy cross, he tells me that I'm not cross I usually tell him I will talk to him calmly when he's finished trying to argue with me then don't respond to him, once he's finished then I explain for the second time why his privilages have been revoked and let him know when he can have them back unless he wants to do a chore to get them back quicker, usually gets my washing and drying done when I don't want to do it

I'm generally quite chilled and choose my battles. I will sometimes let them off by saying something like "It looked like you were doing a handstand on the sofa / poking the cat, but I'm sure you know that's naughty and won't do it again," so they know I'm onto them. However I have a couple of phrases when things are getting out of hand; "I am the mummy and sometimes we just DO / DON'T DO these things" and a particularly pointed look accompanied by "Erm, excuse me!" Threats need to be small, instant, rare and follow-throughable. It's hard though.

I find 'what part of no don't you understand?' quite useful. The raised eyebrow and the look over the top of the glasses works on my nephews who are 23 and 21, but not on ds who is 23. With him, speaking in a cool clipped tone is far more effective.

He knows when he has pissed me off.

I'm more stubborn than they are. They know that if I say no, I mean no. No amount of whining and cajoling is going to make me change my mind. DH and I back each other up - no playing one off against the other.

I also never threaten consequences without carrying them through.

@SweetheartNeckline I use 'erm excuse me' when DS seems to have left his manners at school