To ask how you stay/sound firm with your children

[Autumnnymph]

My mum had the “look” - I simply don’t seem to have any of that wirh DD7. She has always been a boundary pusher and I am not expecting blind obedience but I wish sometimes she would just listen - DH says I sound soft and not firm. When I lay out consequences I do follow through but again I wish it didn’t have to come down to threatening before she listens.

Any tips on how you sound firm and let your DC know something isn’t up for negotiation ? She is quite timid and
Super obedient at school (her teachers words) - she pushes limits with DH but will shut up eventually - it’s me that takes the brunt of it so am sure it’s some kind of aura I Project. 😂

It’s been one of those days and I want to
Learn to wear a firm face -
Educate me!

I remember reading that you needed to get your children "on side" before you lost physical control. Up about 2 or 3 you can just pick them up and make them behave, by the time they're 11, you definitely can't, so by then they have to have a pretty strong sense that they'd rather be on good terms with you than otherwise. Which means laying the groundwork young, and coping with the absolutely boredom of pulling them up on behaviour time after time until they've finally got it.

And they learn more by watching than by listening, so you and your DH need to model good behaviour all the time.

I don’t agree with everything Jo Frost says, but if you watch Super Nanny I think she’s a very good example of how to speak sternly and with authority without shouting.

Watch supernanny. She was ace

Once I've explained my position and decided that it won't change (in case they come back with something reasonable that I haven't considered which does happen) I won't engage in any further discussion about it.

"You have my answer, you may not like it but it's not changing."
Repeat until I remove myself to avoid exploding.

Firstly, I think talking to them properly helps, not using baby talk. You also have to mean what your say and go through with punishments/consequences that you put in place.

I also find addressing the problem first time helps also. My husband's step sister will be quite soft on her children and will allow them to continuing break rules and behaving badly for hours before actually sorting it out. My MIL gets annoyed with me as I tackle an issue straight away. If I see DD behaving badly, I call her out on it straight away and she'll get a warning, if she does it again, she'll be on the naughty step (one min for each year of her age). If she continues after that, all toys and activities are put away until she can be trusted to behave.

With DD10, less is definitely more. I find when I rant & get really wordy, she just switches off. One of the things she says a lot to try & push my buttons is “ You don’t care” & the other day when she’d been particularly silly & rude to DH I said firmly “ At this moment I don’t care because it’s your silly behaviour again” & she stopped. It is really hard, especially as they get older & the hormones start kicking in. Another huge plus is DH backing me up. In the past it was sometimes like having 2 kids & he would undermine me or say he wasn’t having anything to do with disciplining DD. Now we are a united front & although she tries very hard to drive a wedge between us, we sing from the same hymn sheet. I still need to work on not shouting because it just escalates a situation.

• mean it. If you're not bothered, don't bother, even if you think some other mum would. You can only be yourself
• deepen your voice. Speak from your chest.
• count down from 5 if it's not happening fast enough. I never get to 1 because of what would happen if I did (which, shh, I don't know)
• I've found it useful to talk about my 'crossometer' - showing with my hand how much shit I'm likely to take. So if I say 'do it now, my crossometer's up to here' and indicate my nose level they know they have to do it NOW.
• MEAN IT