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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In charge or am I being unreasonable?

37 replies

dottybutterfly · 15/01/2019 18:20

Been with partner 8 years, 1 dd 14 months, at the start for our relationship ( I don't mean at the very start but some time in to it ) we agreed on a month to start trying for a baby that month came and partner changed his mind and said he wasn't ready!! I was absolutely gutted but waited a long 3 years for him to say we could try, we then tried for 3 years and finally I got pregnant with dd, during this time and after he said he would never say no or make me wait to have another one, I had a c section so we agreed to wait a year, that year Is up and he isn't allowing us to try ( always gets a condom) fwiw I'm getting older and I know how the body clock works so this is worrying me too! we've had a few issues in our relationship nothing I've done wrong ( his words ) but due to his family being horrible and him not backing me, out of frustration I said I would leave and be with someone else who won't control everything in a relationship, other examples are a year ago he told me in an arguemment that he wanted to ask me to marry him but couldn't because of the way his mum was being, that was a year ago still no sign of marriage!! It's taken me a year to persuade him to let me have my own card to the bank account which he gets paid into ( I'm a sahm ) seems like what ever should come naturally in life I have to beg for! Aibu or would you want to walk away?

OP posts:
BrylcreamBeret · 15/01/2019 18:28

Consider very seriously if you want to be with this man all of your life before you get married and don't have another baby until you are on solid ground. Can you not tell him you want to get married? No, he shouldn't get to control the direction in which both your lives go.

Original poster
dottybutterfly · 15/01/2019 18:53

Thankyou for your reply, yes I've told him I'd love to get married and that marriage is really important to me, he says he can't ask me now as it wouldn't be special xx

OP posts:
Parthenope · 15/01/2019 19:00

You really want to have another child with someone who took a year to be persuaded to ‘allow’ you access to joint money? In your shoes, I’d be running back to work so fast no one would see me. Bad idea to be economically dependent on someone controlling, economically controlling AND who doesn’t have your back.

Original poster
dottybutterfly · 15/01/2019 19:04

He never denied me money but I did have to say " can I have x amount for this " or " can you leave the card " etc xx

OP posts:
JamPasty · 15/01/2019 19:05

So he is controlling with money. Massive red flag.

AmateurPrepper · 15/01/2019 19:13

You're making excuses for him. You maybe started the thread hoping people would tell you how to work towards a proposal, or perhaps nod along and agree with you that he should propose soon.

What you're gonna get is people who aren't wearing rose tinted glasses telling you that your boyfriend sounds like a shit that controls money, does what his mammy says, doesn't give a fuck if you want marriage or a baby and will blame you for even asking, as now you've made it "not special".

Go find that someone else that doesn't make you feel like you have to beg.

HeebieJeebies456 · 15/01/2019 19:26

so you want another kid despite being unmarried and financially vulnerable and living with an abusive person?

At least one of you has enough common sense to use contraception and not bring another child into this mess.

GariBaldybiscuit · 15/01/2019 19:26

He sounds like a right tosser but regardless of this he has the right to change his mind about having another child and he has the right to not want to marry you. In turn, you have the right to leave him. Also, it's a terrible idea to be economically dependant on someone, anyone, full stop.

Original poster
dottybutterfly · 15/01/2019 19:28

To be honest no I didn't expect those replies I expected to be told I was out of order for asking him loads for another baby!! I've been made to feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting the special things in life xx

OP posts:
Original poster
dottybutterfly · 15/01/2019 19:32

As for those saying me being independent financially on him, that's the only choice, if I was working we wouldn't really be any different financially!! I'd rather have the time with my dd xx

OP posts:
JamPasty · 15/01/2019 19:34

He is being a twat for making you feel that way - of course you deserve special things. I doubt you will get them from him though as it sounds like he's stringing you along.

Lushlemming · 15/01/2019 19:34

This reply has been deleted

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redastherose · 15/01/2019 19:36

Point is you aren't wanting the 'special things in life' you are wanting normal everyday things! A relationship should be a partnership where both of you get to say what you want and you work towards those goals being mutually supportive of one another. It is not a partnership where he holds all the cards and you have to beg to be treated like a normal adult! Please take a long look at your relationship, perhaps have a read up about controlling and manipulative or emotionally abusive partners.

Original poster
dottybutterfly · 15/01/2019 19:38

😂😂😂 sorry but I'm not harassing him at all!!! What the actual fuck sorry but your deluded!! We have a sexual relationship... he gets a condom and we then have sex!! End of! I do not force him into anything!!

OP posts:
emilybrontescorsett · 15/01/2019 19:41

Op- if you were working you'd both be paying for childcare, so you would be better off, he 'd be worse off. Don't have another child with him whatever you do.

Vedette89 · 15/01/2019 19:48

@lush - WTAF?! Sexually harassing?!

Greatdomestic1 · 15/01/2019 20:27

Hi OP.

As other posters have said, you are in a vey vulnerable position, unmarried and with a financially controlling man.

You have been together 8 years, and despite him knowing that marriage is important to you, he still hasn't asked you to marry him.

I think he has changed his mind. It is his view that you will just accept it and go along with what HE wants. And so far you have.

Do you want to spend the next 8 years in a relationship not having your needs met?

elvis86 · 15/01/2019 20:35

So you've been together 8 years? DD is 14 months? So fell pregnant shortly after your 6 year anniversary? This was after 3 years TTC, and prior to that he'd "made you wait" 3 years beyond the point that you'd originally agreed to start TTC? When was the original deadline? Your second date? 😂😂😂

Sounds like there are a lot of issues in the relationship, and that you're blinded by your desire to have babies.

Parthenope · 15/01/2019 20:38

Being financially dependent on this controlling man isn’t ‘the only choice’. If I you worked you would have less time with your baby, but you wouldn’t be financially vulnerable, and you wouldn’t have to go and ask your DP for (grudgingly) shared money!

Original poster
dottybutterfly · 15/01/2019 20:43

Yes was early on in the relationship but he didn't need to say yes and then no like he did he could have just said no!!

OP posts:
Original poster
dottybutterfly · 15/01/2019 20:44

Fwiw we were fine until I fell out with the in-laws because I wouldn't give them their own way!!

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 16/01/2019 00:12

I've been made to feel like I'm in the wrong for wanting the special things in life
Nothing wrong with wanting the special things in life - but they are a priviledge, not a right.
Who's paying for these special things - benefits and whatever scraps he gives you?
You have to beg him for money - is that how you want it to be your whole life?.
Does that make you feel good?

I grew up watching my mum beg my abusive dad for money to buy basics like food and clothes. He made her account for every penny of 'his' money.
It was awful watching that happen, feeling guilty everytime you wanted/asked for something.
You actually want your dc to grow up seeing that dynamic and thinking it's normal?

He could up and leave you at any time - and pay you the very minimum child support - if any.
Then how will you fund your 'special things'?
He's not going to change.

Klopptimist · 16/01/2019 02:05

In my experience, a man who always insists on a condom in a LTR does not want children. I mean this kindly but you need to take your baby blinkers off and look at the reality of this situation.

jessstan2 · 16/01/2019 02:25

He doesn't want another child. You have two children already, why do you want another?

All seems odd to me. Most people are more than happy with two.

Graphista · 16/01/2019 04:20

"if I was working we wouldn't really be any different financially!!"

The difference may not exist mathematically (yet) but long term it means you building your career, building a pension, maintaining your experience & even keeping up with whatever your industry is, having an income if you split/he gets too sick to work/he dies - especially as because you're not married you're basically completely unprotected in any of those scenarios.

In terms of the relationship he's controlling in so many ways! Not just financially that unless there's a MAJOR change in his behaviour (highly unlikely) I think you should consider leaving, certainly NOT having another child with him!!

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