In charge or am I being unreasonable?

[dottybutterfly]

Been with partner 8 years, 1 dd 14 months, at the start for our relationship ( I don't mean at the very start but some time in to it ) we agreed on a month to start trying for a baby that month came and partner changed his mind and said he wasn't ready!! I was absolutely gutted but waited a long 3 years for him to say we could try, we then tried for 3 years and finally I got pregnant with dd, during this time and after he said he would never say no or make me wait to have another one, I had a c section so we agreed to wait a year, that year Is up and he isn't allowing us to try ( always gets a condom) fwiw I'm getting older and I know how the body clock works so this is worrying me too! we've had a few issues in our relationship nothing I've done wrong ( his words ) but due to his family being horrible and him not backing me, out of frustration I said I would leave and be with someone else who won't control everything in a relationship, other examples are a year ago he told me in an arguemment that he wanted to ask me to marry him but couldn't because of the way his mum was being, that was a year ago still no sign of marriage!! It's taken me a year to persuade him to let me have my own card to the bank account which he gets paid into ( I'm a sahm ) seems like what ever should come naturally in life I have to beg for! Aibu or would you want to walk away?

The thing with big decisions is that a partner should always be able to veto because these are life changing. If both partners don't want marriage then it doesn't happen, if both partners don't want a baby then it shouldn't happen. You have a life plan mapped out in your head which you are well within your rights to have, but he clearly isn't on board with this and is just too chicken shit to actually say no and state what he wants. Instead he's probably going along with what he thinks his mother wants. You're overly focused on those big life things (It's very easy to get swept up) but really all those other parts of your relationship need sorting first, or you need to leave.

Cut your losses and make a life for yourself away from this man.

It's not how many children you have, but the quality of life you are able to give those children, and you would be bringing another child into an abusive household.

It absolutely baffles me when women will put up with this shit just to pretend to be playing happy families. What lessons were you taught growing up that made you willing to settle for so little agency over your own life?

Ugh. Why so stuck on him? Why would you want more of this treatment and another child, too?

You need to respect that he's not ready for another child. When it comes to having children, things get in the way that make you change your mind. If he's not ready, he's not and he shouldn't agree to become a dad again just to please you. He is actually being responsible using condoms. How many threads there have been of women complaining that she's left after she fell pregnant by pill accident and posters saying that he really didn't want a child he shouldn't have trusted his partner using the pill and worn a condom each time.

The question is whether you want to stay with him if he never agrees to another child. Do oy love him enough to accept that a life of three together is enough, or you desire to be a mum again is stronger and you rather fund another man who will agree to have a family with you?

His entitled to nog want to be a dad again, you're entitled to decide to find another relationship with a man who does.

You want him to be different but he is clearly showing you that he won't be what you want.

Will you stay and put up with that?

Thankyou for your replies, I've a lot to think about, those who said his. It ready for another baby he tells me a lot that he wants more kids but when it comes to it it doesn't happen! I don't think he sees an issue at all if I'm honest xx

Pestering him into contraception-free sex is not him being controlling. In fact, rape by coercion with women as the perpetrator exists in many more equal societies than the UK's.

he says he can't ask me now as it wouldn't be special

Sorry but I'm calling bullshit. He doesn't actually want to marry you, so he's using that and his parents as an excuse.

What did you actually fall out with his parents about?

OP, bottom line is that you are with an abusive man.

Don't have another child with him, and I'd suggest not marrying him either, should he ever ask. I doubt he'll ever ask, except if he thought you might be leaving him, as a means of stopping you getting away from his abuse.

In fact you deserve better and should leave him.

I'm a bit puzzled by the prevalence of the idea that a marriage proposal is some sort of reward which is bestowed upon a woman. Surely no proposal is really needed, just a discussion and agreement since you aren't Cinderella and he certainly isn't Prince Charming ? I agree that he just doesn't want to get married (or not to you, OP, sorry).

I think you need to be thinking less about getting the happy little family you crave and more about protecting yourself. One day he may well meet the woman he does want to marry and you'll be in a very vulnerable position indeed.

I'm a bit puzzled by the prevalence of the idea that a marriage proposal is some sort of reward which is bestowed upon a woman. Surely no proposal is really needed, just a discussion and agreement since you aren't Cinderella and he certainly isn't Prince Charming ? I agree that he just doesn't want to get married (or not to you, OP, sorry).

Indeed, but the prevalence of this idea isn't helped by women (judging by how often this very topic comes up on Mn) go along with it, and tiptoeing around sighing at H Samuel's windows and leaving ads for wedding dress shops lying about, but not saying 'Look, let's get married' because they do, still, in 2019, think that marriage is in the gift of the man, and that their job is to wait in coy, girlish silence for The Moment, because otherwise they will have rained on his manly little parade, it will not be 'special', and he will be so disempowered he will never get an erection again.

I expected to be told I was out of order for asking him loads for another baby! - Yes, you are being out of order for that. You can't force/pester a man into having another child.

But you have much bigger problems in your relationship.