Not to punish this further

[tomhazard]

DD is 6. She's a good girl in general and is rarely disobedient or difficult. Last night she couldn't sleep and today she got home from school and burst into tears about something she had done.

At the weekend we went to a garden centre where they had those little coloured glass gemstones that you put in vases sometimes. She and DS were desperate for me to buy them and I said no, we didn't need them. She happened to see one on the floor by the entrance and she put it in her pocket and took it home unbeknown to me and DH. She told me about this today and has given it to me. She is extremely upset that she did a naughty thing and was almost inconsolable. I quizzed her on what she thought would have been the right thing to do and she said to give it to a grown up to give back to the shop.

I told her that I was disappointed she chose to do that when she knew it was wrong but I was pleased she told me about it. She said looking at the stone makes her feel 'sick' and she wants me to take it away, which o have and we have talked at length about right and wrong decisions.

She seems extremely remorseful and understands why she was wrong so I didn't have plans to act on this any further. She also can't stop crying about it this afternoon.
Should I be doing more? My mil thinks she needs further punishment ie something taken away or a play date cancelled.

No, she doesn't need more punishment. She's punished herself enough, she's frightened herself and that's enough. She clearly already has a moral compass and that's to your credit! What she needs now is reassurance and love.

No I wouldnt do anything further. Realising you have done something wrong and feeling guilty about it teaches you a lesson far better than any punishment can.

No of course she doesn't need any more punishment.

I think she has punished herself enough by her reaction! She knows she did the wrong thing so punishment won't achieve anything further.

Maybe suggest she does a kind deed to balance it out if you feel something further needs to happen?

Nope, sounds like she has learned her lesson. The fact that she was honest with you shows great character and I would be proud of her for coming clean, although of course that doesn't excuse her behaviour in the first place. She made a mistake and it sounds like she won't be in rush to repeat it

No, I think you've handled it really well. You've talked it through and taken it away.

As mentioned above, she has realised herself that what she did was wrong. Give her a cuddle if she's still upset. not another punishment.

I think she's punished herself enough too! She is very upset about it - I didn't shout at her (although I was surprised she did it) and we had a big hug at the end of our talk.

Doing a good deed to balance it out is a brilliant idea- I think she will go for that. thanks so much for that suggestion I'll suggest it to her.

her reaction sounds quite extreme for picking up a shiny stone off the floor.

No , she does not need to be punished more .
That wouldn’t achieve anything apart from maybe make her think twice about telling you if she does something silly again

I think she just knows she shouldn't have done it and she thrives on being good and getting praise. She's almost never naughty and hates to be told off which is why I think she's reacted badly. Also she kept it inside for a while which had made her feel worse I think!

I wouldn't punish- but then I have never punished, not once.

No she doesn't need any further punishment she has obviously learnt her lesson.

My DD stole a teddy in a shop...she had sneaked it into one of my shopping bags so I didn't realise until we got home. We spoke about it and how it was naughty and she was never to do it again....she was devastated at the thought that had we been pulled to one side and security found it in my bag I could have been arrested. She has never taken anything else since.
In fact there in a box of free items outside a local charity shop...stuff that's broken or missing pieces. DD was looking through it and found a mirror she wanted...she refused to take it for free and so we took it in and gave them a donation as payment.

So a stern talking to is more than enough....if it turned into a regular occurrence then more action would need to be taken but I doubt your DD is going to do it again.

She sounds like an absolute little sweetheart. I’d feel quite the opposite to your MIL, I’d be very proud of her.

She knew it was wrong, she had apologised and shown remorse, and has obviously bee beating herself up about it. It shows that you have brought her up well and she knew it was wrong, just got caught up in the moment. Maybe a warning that if she steals again you will (insert punishment of choice) but I personally would call it a day in this instance.

She sounds like a great kid! She had a moment of poor judgement and succumbed to temptation (as we all do from time to time) but she has a solid moral compass and has been very brave to come clean and speak to you. I would be wary that any further punishment at this stage could undermine her correct decision to confide in you and to be honest. It sounds like you handled it well. You didn't minimise her misdemeanor, but you have stressed that you are proud she did the right thing eventually and you've hopefully left her feeling confident that she can come to you with a problem.

No punishment. Sounds like you have handled it perfectly thus far.
But no good deed needed either - that just encourages a strange concept whereby she’s encouraged to compensate for her mistakes by doing something good that’s unrelated. Good deeds to be encouraged yes, but not as a penance sort of thing.

She doesn't need more punishment, but please think before you tell your mother-in-law every detail of your lives. She didn't need to know about this, and now you've opened the door for her criticism and interference.

I think if she was older your MIL might have a point but at 6 she's learned a valuable lesson. If it were me I would probably praise her for telling me, maybe even get her favourite ice cream or candy to help her feel better and then launch into a lesson that no matter what happens she can always come tell me and we will deal with it together (rather than being scared to tell me and trying to handle things herself).

Thanks everyone. I feel reassured that she's definitely learnt from this and doesn't need me to go on about it . She is a very good girl and I'm proud of her for something pretty much every day - like I said to her, everyone makes mistakes and what we learn from them is important.

To be honest I would be worried about her reactions to this. Not being able to sleep, feeling sick when she looks at the stone and to still be crying about it two days later even after confessing to you, seems extreme. Is she a perfectionist in other ways ?

please think before you tell your mother-in-law every detail of your lives. She didn't need to know about this, and now you've opened the door for her criticism and interference

Mil picked her up from school so she was here when it played out. She certainly doesn't know every detail of our lives and on the whole is very kind and supportive. We differed on our opinion in this case but I'm sure it won't lead to a lifetime of criticism ...

LovingLola she likes to get things right yes. As her mother of 6 years, however, I'm confident that she is a generally well, happy and not overly anxious child and her behaviour over this one incident doesn't require general concern.

She pretty much picked up a piece of rubbish. A tiny stone/pebble/piece of glass that had been discarded/forgotten and would have most likely got swept up at the end if the day!

It wasn't rubbish to her. They were on display in boxes in the garden centre and she really wanted them - and I had said no! She wouldn't be worrying if she thought it was rubbish ! She didn't know the low value of it

She's punished herself enough, and her remorse suggests she's learned a very valuable lesson, and is unlikely to do anything like this again.