Not to punish this further

[tomhazard]

DD is 6. She's a good girl in general and is rarely disobedient or difficult. Last night she couldn't sleep and today she got home from school and burst into tears about something she had done.

At the weekend we went to a garden centre where they had those little coloured glass gemstones that you put in vases sometimes. She and DS were desperate for me to buy them and I said no, we didn't need them. She happened to see one on the floor by the entrance and she put it in her pocket and took it home unbeknown to me and DH. She told me about this today and has given it to me. She is extremely upset that she did a naughty thing and was almost inconsolable. I quizzed her on what she thought would have been the right thing to do and she said to give it to a grown up to give back to the shop.

I told her that I was disappointed she chose to do that when she knew it was wrong but I was pleased she told me about it. She said looking at the stone makes her feel 'sick' and she wants me to take it away, which o have and we have talked at length about right and wrong decisions.

She seems extremely remorseful and understands why she was wrong so I didn't have plans to act on this any further. She also can't stop crying about it this afternoon.
Should I be doing more? My mil thinks she needs further punishment ie something taken away or a play date cancelled.

She has punished herself enough, and I would think you can rest assured that she will never steal anything again, as she will remember this horrible, sick, guilty feeling for life.

Oh bless her, she has done really well by being honest with you and feeling so remorseful.

Don't punish a small child who has just owned up to doing something wrong and has said sorry. Otherwise they won't tell you the next time.

You sound like a lovely mum, bringing up a sensitive caring daughter. Your daughter did the right thing in the end and should be commended for this . She fessed up because her moral compass has been taught from an early age . You should be very proud

Sounds like your MIL is being far too strict with a 6 year old. I'd make other childcare arrangements. That level of guilt over what is basically nothing is worrying.

It was on the floor. She didn't steal it or take it out of a display. I would be wondering why such a young child should be so guilt stricken over such a random happening. Inconsolable and sick? She sounds very anxious for such a little girl.

Awwww...no further punishment at all.

Would it make her feel better to take it back to the store and hand it in?

Maybe that would put it to bed for her.

poor thing. I'm surprised you have to ask. I agree she sounds very anxious for a little girl.

She's not generally anxious. She just doesn't like to get into trouble and I guess taking something you probably shouldn't have might get you into trouble.
No one needs to worry about her In general, believe it or not she's a very well adjusted and happy child so far!!

I'd praise her for managing to tell you the truth about why she was upset. I'd also look at ways to make her feel a little more confident about the fact that she's a good person, and help her understand that good people can screw up occasionally.

MIL's draconian "punishment" idea isn't going to help reinforce the whole "stealing = bad" concept; primarily because your DD has already worked that out. It's simply going to make an upset child feel even more upset. There's no possible gain from that.

I definitely wouldn't punish her. If anything I would be trying to reassure her that we all make bad decisions sometimes and it's important that we try to put them right (as she has done). No harm has been done and she'll already have learned her lesson and not do it again.

Oh bless her. I don't think she needs any further punishment. I have a ds 7 who probably would have reacted very similarly. I also have a ds 5 who does things like this but wont tell me until we're home. He's not remorseful at all. He takes things from school and use to from nursery. Yesterday it was a counter from a game. Obviusly make him return them. I make him check his pockets before we leave now. Luckily he hasn't taken anything from a shop!

The kind of punishment your Mil is suggesting will just reinforce the idea that she is somehow inherently bad (rather than that she just made a bad decision).

No, I wouldn't punish further. I'd be very glad I had a child who owned up and who felt bad about this without being told to.

Tiredmum100 If I was going to make a guess i'd say my younger one might be like your younger one!

I think you've handled this well, tom. The only other thought I had was whether you suggest you go together, holding hands, to the garden centre and hand the pebble over to a member of staff. All DD or you need to say is, 'I/we found this on the floor'. You don't have to say when, or go in to all the details at all. I did that with one of my DCs in a similar situation, and it seemed to help put it behind them - nothing to shame or embarrass them further, it was just 'doing the right thing'.

I don't think she needs punishment, no. Her own reaction and you taking it seriously is enough.

You have brought back a memory from my own childhood, actually! The little thing I took stayed hidden in shame under my bed. I didn't feel able to tell anyone, sadly. It was a big learning experience for me, and I'm sure for your DD. No further issues with my DC either... so far!

Bless her, you did the right thing, she's punished her self enough and has learnt a big lesson.
I would praise her for telling the truth.

If she's still upset id suggest taking it back to the shop, not as a punishment but it may help her feel better about it.

Oh bless her. She made a bad decision but has tried to put it right. I think she's done enough and you handled it perfectly. Everyone makes bad decisions but you learn from them and move on.

Yes I agree with taking her back to the garden centre to put it back or hand it in. Please don't punish her when she's trying to do the right thing by confessing.

It reminds me of when DS3 was in reception. He confessed to me that he'd pinched a marker from school because he wanted to use it to practise writing letters with. I thanked him for telling me the truth and the next day I returned it to school and told them what he'd done, that I'd spoken to him and that he was sorry etc. The absolute bastards put him in lunchtime detention Certainly left an impression, he still remembers it 8 years later!

Absolutely no more punishment needed. This almost exact same situation happened to me with my eldest ds. After a serious talk about stealing I have never mentioned it again and he has never done anything like that again, 6 years later. She’s a small child, she can learn from her mistake by how awful she felt, she doesn’t need a punishment from you.

Great teaching moment. She's been thru enough.
Very sweet baby.

I too think she had been punished enough and you handled it fine.

I would try and let her take the stone back to the shop and to say sorry if you think it will help her to feel settled about it. Or to help her write an apology letter and post it back to them.

Like others have said its a great teaching moment and she will probably remember this for a long time. My dc stole a bar of chocolate from a shop once. She felt terribly guilty, was tearful until I asked what was wrong and she told me. In this instance she decided to write an apology letter and we both took it to the shop. She hasn't done it since (she was 6). I may pretend to post the stone back and ask your daughter to write a simple sorry note.

I stole a sweet from tbe pick n mix at Woolworths at that age. Lived in the fear if God (and the police) for a week. And thus ended my life of crime.

I wouldnt worry about her reaction OP, but neither would I punish her further. I think she's got the message.

I wouldn’t have punished her further,it sounds like remorse had flooded her. If it was close I would have taken it back to the garden center with her, or perhaps popped it in an envelope with a sorry card. She doesn’t know it’s worthless.
My Ds is a right sticky fingered little monkey. I check his pockets frequently in case he’s ‘borrowed’ something again.

Definitely no more punishment, no one could be harder on her than she’s been on herself.

I’d suggest she writes an apology and we ‘send’ it back to the garden centre. Then I’d put the note and the ‘gem’ away until she’s grown up or needs some help deciding to ‘do the right thing’ somewhere along the line.

Remind her that all she needs to do is ask if she’s not sure if she’s allowed to keep something or not. It’s a confusing world, if she’d found it at the beach or the park it would have been fine to keep it. Even the garden centre as it would have ended up in the bin otherwise. However, she didn’t know that, so asking is important and if she had asked, you could have helped her make the right decision and she probably would have ended up with it. Bless.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has a strong desire to send her a bag of them! 😊