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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I kick husband out?

37 replies

photome87 · 15/01/2019 14:55

Will try not to drip feed but I'll be here for 10 pages if I discuss everything!

After 15 years Husband has decided we aren't compatible, he doesn't seem to like me very much never mind love me. Says I'm a bitch, I'm too much and I nag a lot about housework. We have an 18 month old and personally I think H is still trying to adjust to life as a dad and is taking his frustration out on me, resents me and is acting like a teenager even tho he is indeed 40. Baby was planned and very much wanted, H wanted to have kids for years, it was me who held off.

He pretty much always refuses to discuss anything with me. Lives in the spare room and will blank me, go about his daily life as tho I don't exist. Will text me if he must about the baby only. I coaxed him in to discussing things with me last week, thought it was a good conversation as we didn't shout too much... he listed everything he hates about me, things Iv done that piss him off up to 4 years ago and he was very agitated and annoyed. Told him these things should have been discussed at the time as it's clearly still affecting him. He thinks I'm wrong to want to discuss things in depth but I feel like that's the only way I can resolve, forget and move on. I let him rant at me, I listened, I took it on board but he never asked what my issues were. So we left the discussion by saying we would both try harder. I wouldn't moan so much, he would need to make more effort as he doesn't show he cares for me very much. Doesn't make the time for me and is not supportive at all. He says I pull away each time he tries to kiss or hug me, I agreed and said things have got so bad I don't know how to take his affection anymore because we bicker all the time that it's unnatural to kiss or hug. I said I would make more effort but it would take time to get back to normal as I can't just flip a switch and accept this physical affection when he's not making any time for me or showing an interest in my life.
The next day it was as if nothing had been discussed and he went back to normal, said I will never change and what's the point. He then went to his friends and didn't come back for 24 hours even though the baby isn't very well and is just out of hospital.
I tried to arrange counselling for us months ago but he refused to agree to it. My family live hundreds of miles away and he doesn't want me to move and take the baby. He is also refusing to move out of the house. It's a toxic relationship and a hostile environment. I am deeply unhappy and don't know what to do and where to go.

The house is jointly owned, I don't think he would be able to afford to live alone and will constantly tell me he has nowhere to go so he thinks we should live like this. It's making me ill. He has cut all contact with his family years ago.

Do I ask/make him leave and stay in this house where he can visit the baby as often as he likes? Do I move back home and have him hate me even more as he won't see the baby as often?

Would I even be allowed to move away without his consent?

So AIBU to ask him to move?

OP posts:
lolaflores · 15/01/2019 15:03

If the mortgage is in both names then you can't tell him to leave. If u leave then you will put yourself at a disadvantage I think. It is no way to live but the details of who goes where is beyond me. Can u afford the mortgage alone

Original poster
photome87 · 15/01/2019 15:11

I could pay the basic bills but all the non-essentials we have would be hard to pay. Joint loan - that he increased without my knowledge would need paid too.

We are in contracts for sky, WiFi, all top packages that could be more affordable

OP posts:
Felford · 15/01/2019 15:12

Unfortunately if it is jointly owned then you have no right to kick him out.

7yo7yo · 15/01/2019 15:13

Get legal advice.
It sounds like he has a lot of contempt for you and that’s not good

IBlameJulieBindel · 15/01/2019 15:14

Can you afford legal advice? Sorry to read of your problems x

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2019 15:15

He's a shit. Probably having an affair. Make plans to see a solicitor. Sell up.move out. Move on with your life. You can live where You want. You don't need permission to leave him.

Original poster
photome87 · 15/01/2019 15:16

I can't really afford legal advice, I'm not sure where to even start. What kind of advice do I need??

My head is not in a good place and I can't think logically. I doubt every decision I make - I'm constantly told I'm wrong and out of order and I don't trust my own judgement anymore which is why I am asking strangers for advice on social media Sad

OP posts:
SittingAround1 · 15/01/2019 15:17

It sounds like you need to get divorced. Go see a solicitor to find out the best way to proceed.

Maelstrop · 15/01/2019 15:18

Solicitor to see how to resolve the joint mortgage. You can move away, yes, but if your DH goes to court, you may be obliged to travel to allow contact if you're the one that moved. The advice is not to leave, you're in a stronger position if you stay.

SharedLife · 15/01/2019 15:19

If you move to your parents it will be tough luck for him, you've literally done everything you can to try and resolve your issues. The next step is not just suffering till your child is 18, its to stop trying to resolve things with him and move to a place where you can be happy and well. If he's isolated himself from family, he is free to move nearer your parents too if the distance is too much for him.
It won't be long until your child can pick up on this toxic environment, they probably already can to some extent. You don't want that.

Kariana · 15/01/2019 15:24

As others have said you need to start divorce proceedings and get legal advice. I think you can get some for free from various places if you google.

I think you need to decide what is best for you. If being with your family for support is the priority then move away, you're certainly allowed to and it's best to do it before any contact arrangements are made. Once you are away then you get your name taken off the mortgage so you are no longer liable for it and he takes on the entire payment or if he can't afford it then you sell. He can't have everything his way and he can't force you to stay, even by making you feel guilty.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 15/01/2019 15:41

You need legal advice about getting out and getting divorced.

He sounds horrible. Please don't raise your baby in that environment.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/01/2019 15:47

Wow. What a bastard. Echo what others have said. Can u contact loans to ensure they know u don't agree to any other increases? You have to get away from this 'man'. There's no coming back from it being like this.

Godowneasy · 15/01/2019 15:58

He is treating you with absolute contempt! I can't see that that is going to change, as you've tried the obvious things and he has no interest in improving the relationship between you.
He will suck all the joy out of your and your child's life (if he hasn't already done this) and the quicker you separate the better it will be for you.
Your choice at this stage, imho, is to tell him you intend to separate from him, and that he can either move out until the financial stuff is sorted, or that you will move to your famiy. This gives him the 'choice', and makes him responsible for you moving away.
If you do move away, then don't be the one that brings the child to visit him -let him do all the travel unless a court orders you to. Get a legal separation and remove yourself from all the bills etc,
If you stay in the marital home, don't let him visit 'whenever he wants'- this is likely to do your head in as he'll continually give you hell.
You do need legal advice really- some solicitors give a free initial half hour. Alternatively, perhaps you could save up for legal fees if you moved to your parents and got a job?
Lastly, him increasing the loan without your knowledge sounds very iffy indeed. Discuss this with a solicitor in due course- I wonder whether that may be able to be offset in any final divorce settlement.
Remember to take all important papers if you leave, and details of all of your financial committments etc. Meanwhile, as someone else has already said, contact the bank now and get them to send you regular statements of any joint bank accounts.
Make 2019 the year to take all steps to make life happier! I hope it works out for you.

OracleofDelphi · 15/01/2019 16:06

There is no way out of this without legal advice Im afraid. You need to find a way to get the money together for this. As in, you need to see someone ASAP..... Does your house have equity in it? If it does then I would borrow from family agreeing to pay back when house was sold, to fund proper advice.

You cannot work all of this out on your own. Wishing you luck OP - this is literally no way to live your lives - either of you..... it will be so damaging for your child to be brought up in this environment. Surely he cant live like this indefintley. I would see a solicitor ASAP and start divorice proceedings if thats what you decide as you have no idea what he may be intending to do in the near futue, which might leave you vulnerable

GabriellaMontez · 15/01/2019 16:10

Agree the loan sounds iffy. Did he forge your signature?

It's going to get worse when he finds you're calling time. He could empty the bank account. Go overdrawn. See a solicitor first.

You can do it. You have to.

lolaflores · 15/01/2019 16:14

That's a point. Has he increased the loan by deception which would have him on some hot water. Hate to say this...But there may be leverage in that if he wants to be difficult

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2019 16:15

Love, you can't afford NOT to get legal advice. It will be the best money you ever spent, begged, borrowed, or stole. You need to KNOW your legal position, not speculate and gather other people's experiences. Although others experiences are very helpful from an emotional support point of view, it won't help you make the right decisions for you. I suggest you start by speaking to your parents and letting them know exactly what's going on.

He's obvs not going to do anything that disrupts the comfy little life he's found for himself. In essence, he is living a bachelor's life with a 'chief cook and bottle washer/nanny for his child' (that's you). But remember, where he goes and what he does is NOT your concern. He does not deserve your concern. But don't expect him to leave easily, if at all. He is going to fight you and threaten you every step of the way. This is why it's important that you get RL support from family and friends.

Now, go completely 'stealth'. Say no more to him. Grit your teeth, secrecy is now your best friend. Get legal advice, talk to your parents, and plan your moves.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 15/01/2019 16:16

Would anyone in your family be able to give or loan you the money to see a solicitor? You definitely need proper legal advice. I'd love to be able to tell you what you can and can't do but I know nothing about the law and I think it's irresponsible to give advice on situations like this.

Singlenotsingle · 15/01/2019 16:17

Check your house insurance. You may have a free legal helpline included with it.

Original poster
photome87 · 15/01/2019 16:40

Acrossthepond that's exactly what it's like for him. Batchelor life with being a dad when it suits him.

His biggest issue seems to be that I won't allow him to sleep all day when he has a hangover. He's out a fairly often so I don't think that's fair every time. I also spend one weekend every month with family so he has the house to himself for 3 nights..... it's all a bit selfish and he can't see it from my point of view at all. I don't think he ever will and before I thought we just needed counselling but now I think we need to separate

OP posts:
previousWeight · 15/01/2019 17:00

I'm intrigued (as always) about how kicking an owner (or part owner) out of the home goes.

Can he "kick you out"?

Original poster
photome87 · 15/01/2019 17:34

Previous - if we didn't have a child and I was being an unreasonable partner then I would expect him to kick me out. In this day and age not many people can afford to live alone and it's not easy just to up and leave and start again. If a partner is being unreasonable and another person is effectively trapped then yes I do think it's reasonable to ask them to leave

OP posts:
previousWeight · 15/01/2019 17:37

What difference does a child make? Do you think he's simply the back-up parent?

If it's expensive to leave and start again, why should he?

Original poster
photome87 · 15/01/2019 17:59

He's decide he is the back up parent. He made that choice himself.

He has checked out of this marriage. He has effectively ended it and is not trying to make it work. That's why he should leave. My behaviour and attitude towards him is the same as it was when we got married and bought our house. His isn't.

OP posts:
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