to feel disheartened by the baby group?

[SwagQueen]

Baby is 12 weeks old. I don't know many people in the area as I moved here when I was pregnant. Went to my first baby group today and felt really disheartened by the whole thing.

Everyone else's babies were miraculously well behaved. They were all dressed in gorgeous little outfits (and so were the mums). They also seemed to all know each other.

My DS was the only one in a baby grow, I was dressed down with no makeup, hair not done because DS doesn't sleep and I'm so knackered, and when I tried to talk to anyone I just got one word answers and nobody really seemed interested in conversation.

This may all be in my head, but my confidence is pretty knocked. I feel so isolated. I don't know anyone in the area. I'm nervous to try any other baby groups.

Did anyone else find this? Feeling a bit shit

Oh god my eldest is now 13 and I remember feeling like this when I started taking him to baby groups. It still makes me feel sick when I think how well the other mums appeared to be coping while I dealt with sick and pooey nappies. Keep trying them and you will find friendly, empathetic mums who are finding life as tough as you. Before you know it, you’ll be the experienced mum offering help and a friendly face to the new ones x

Find another group. I have a similar age baby who always wears a babygrow, and I always have a bare face. I can't be bothered to worry about my appearance.

There are plenty of friendly groups out there, you just need to find them.

Hey it sounds like your baby was the best dressed in terms of being the most comfortable.
When I had ds he was in a gorgeous outfit every day until I thought what the fuck am I doing he doesn't need to be dressed, and he doesn't need anything like shorts or leggings around his waist unnecessarily.
Dd only ever had babygrows and I'm 31 weeks with dc3, I've only bought babygrows.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with dressing a baby like a baby.
It's normal to feel overwhelmed going to somewhere new especially if people already know each other, and it may take a while trying to make a bit of an effort to speak to people, it can be hard making mum friendships but don't feel bad, you sound like an awesome mum!

Oh gosh yes. If you're feeling like an outsider you'll always feel more self conscious. I generally had to go a few times before I had a posse.

I feel your pain. I moved cities when my first DD was 8 weeks, knew no-one in the new place. My only advice is to get out there, because the more people you meet, the greater the chances of meeting someone on your wavelength, with your values etc. I used to call it kissing frogs, because you just have to keep trying different things, and groups. In some ways you have lots going for you because a lot of new mums don't have friends going through the same things at the same time, so it's not a question of breaking into established groups. I know now that some of the most aloof people I met at that stage were in fact the least confident and most shy, but I came away from various groups/sessions dejected.

But take heart, at one of the groups I joined, I met someone who is, 27 years later, one of my very best friends. You only need to meet one person you click with and other things will follow.

Were the other babies older? I have only recently become consistent with getting DS2 into tops and trousers and he's nearly 5 months, and I do this because he now likes to grab his feet and try to crawl and this doesn't work so well in babygrows, that and his outfits tend to be warmer/easier to layer AND deal with nappy changes. Otherwise I would have left him in them, and 100% saw no reason to use clothes at 3 months. Still do leave the sleepsuit on some days if he doesn't poo on them in the night and he's going to be bundled up or we're staying in.

Also a baby under a year or so can't be well or badly behaved, don't worry, I'm sure your LO is lovely, they weren't judging your parenting skills, they were probably just tired and didn't have much else to say. Perhaps they do all know each other - that doesn't mean you won't get to know people too :) The way you get to know people is to keep going to the groups. Try to remember one detail about a couple of people and ask a personalised question - How is Jessica doing? Oh, are you starting solids, tell me about it, I've got to think about that soon and don't know where to start. I love your DD's dress, where is it from? Does anyone use the Aldi nappies, are they good? Etc. One day somebody new will come along and you won't be the newcomer any more.

I can honestly say it never entered my head to notice whether another mum was wearing make up or had nice hair when my babies have been tiny, I'm sure they aren't looking at you like that at all.

Keep trying - it is a bit of a slog at first but it's well worth it and you really have to treat the new mum friend dating game as a bit of a numbers thing at this stage. Make as many connections as you can even though they will feel wooden and forced at first. Make yourself comment positively on the things you feel envious about - so perhaps Wow I love your hair, I never have time to do mine, it looks great! Or if you find out people were friends before they had their DC - Oh so you went to school together? That's really lovely, how nice you ended up having babies together. After you've met someone a few times, you can start suggesting other meet ups like trying out a new coffee shop or asking if they go to rhyme time at the library or if anyone has been swimming and what it's like, ask for tips/offer to tag team, etc. This will get easier in the summer when parks and other outdoor activities are more viable. Then once you've met up with someone outside of a group suggest inviting someone else to join and so on, you can build up a little group this way.

We did baby grows for ages! I mean why not? Definitely try a different group...I wouldn't spend time with a bunch of well turned out parents who put their babies in outfits for any amount of money!

Please know that all new mums have plenty of days like yours. It's much more important to get out with baby than to stay at home doing hair and makeup so well done you!! Keep doing what you're doing :-) xxxx
My experience of baby groups has been really varied. Some are really friendly and welcoming and others are cold and cliquey. It's just the luck of the draw depending on what other mums are there at the time but when you find a good group and make those mummy friends, they're your friends for life. Can you try a different group?

I have outfits and babygrows tbh depends on how knackered I am. I thought same as you first week or two, now everyone is great and friendly. Give it a bit of time

Dungarees! Put on over the top of vest and baby grow. Baby has "socks" on that cannot be pulled off and appears dressed! I did this for baby massage as it was 10am and we couldn't get our act together by then! The second week every baby was dressed in dungarees.

I wouldn’t worry, my youngest was in babygro’s for the first year thanks to silent reflux. Same as you I went to baby groups where it seemed the mums all had their shit together. But I tried a few others out and luckily found others who looked at monged out as I did 😂 luckily come 2nd and 3rd baby I learned how to fake looking like I “had my shit together”😂😂

Well done on leaving the house

I found the friendliest groups round here are all the church ones, but they don’t always advertise very well so try checking out local church websites (just google church name to track down) to see if they run one and what day. Added bonus church hall groups are always either free or very cheap!

I also love the library rhyme time singing group - gets you out without having to actually talk to real live people (maybe that’s just me!) again google your local library name to work out when it is on.

I’m still mildly surprised just how many churches there seem to be within a mile or so of where I live - until I had the kids and started googling I had no idea!

I would definitely recommend children’s centres or courses such as baby massage and later baby sign language as more likely to see the same people each week.

I'd echo everything said above. With my first I was really uncomfortable and tried a few groups but lacked confidence. I preferred groups with an activity like baby sensory, baby massage, swim lessons, music class, library rhyme time.

With my second I found the children centre group good as the staff were so welcoming, would sit you with a group, talk to you, direct activities, and I was more confident in what I was doing

The Mush app has been amazing, I'm better one to one and messaged a couple of women on mat leave to meet for walks, coffees, soft play etc.

I also stopped with the mind set that I needed to find new best friends, actually although I may not have had loads in common, ultimately it's handy to know a few people to meet up with on my days off so once I accepted we didn't need to be entirely compatible, so long as they were nice and friendly, it didn't worry me as much.

Oh, that's disheartening! I had my girl in babygrows out and about for ages - it's just practical and comfy. I was the only one in my NCT group who seemed not to be perfectly groomed with full makeup and nice hair every time we met. I was pleased if I had managed to wash. Sounds like you are doing just great and that you're probably spending time with your baby on the things that matter, rather than the external stuff. Keep going.

I found the exact same thing when I went at about 13 weeks so I went out and bought some dresses and tights but I don't see the point when they are learning to roll over so she is back in sleepsuits at almost 20 weeks so much easier to change them. I would persevere with it I haven't made friends but I chat a bit and it gets me out. try a group that has an activity like Baby Sensory or a singing group so that it'structured and led by a leader rather than mums sat around chatting.

I would look for groups that are purely baby groups or something like bookbugs. Do try different groups some are cliquey and some are very friendly. The friendliest inedible have been to are church volunteer led as the volunteers all talk to the mums.

Agree with the posters who are suggesting activity based groups - so much less pressure to sit & make small talk & you see the same faces each week. I hated the church groups I went to, not because they were church groups but they all knew each other (from church I guess!) and there was no focus. Totally not the fault of the groups but they weren't right for me.

I used to pre-plan what I'd ask people to help me manage my worries about the groups. I'm a v chatty person normally but really struggled with everything in the first 6 months. This sounds ridiculous but I'd have a list of things like:

1. how was your week? (same faces each week so easy to reflect) I'd try really hard to remember something (put it in my phone sometimes ) if it came up e.g. if they were going away somewhere etc.
2. nursery/childcare chat - visited any etc?
3. asked about lovely shoes/clothes/pram etc.
4. asked for advice on stuff like slings, sleep, weaning etc.

I also tried to do things like baby cinema so I'd have something to talk about! I felt a bit lost without work too as my job is a big part of my identity.

I think new babies bring anxiety out in a lot of us. I honestly am a well-functioning adult the rest of the time!

I feel your pain... nothing worse than a bad baby group making you feel excluded/not yummy enough. Steer clear in future - from experience they sound horrid competitive parents and I wish I had not bothered to try to fit in myself, waste of time. My advice to you is to contact your midwife/health visitor/GP whoever is available to you now - as it has all changed since I had my DD. Mine was brilliant and put me together with 4 other Mums who had babies same age and we all used to meet up at each other's houses. She did this without asking as she knew I was isolated (lived in small village with no other Mums at the time) Much less stress! They were all really down to earth too and 2 of them I still see 14 years later! Good luck!

I feel your pain... nothing worse than a bad baby group making you feel excluded/not yummy enough. Steer clear in future - from experience they sound horrid competitive parents and I wish I had not bothered to try to fit in myself, waste of time. My advice to you is to contact your midwife/health visitor/GP whoever is available to you now - as it has all changed since I had my DD. Mine was brilliant and put me together with 4 other Mums who had babies same age and we all used to meet up at each other's houses. She did this without asking as she knew I was isolated (lived in small village with no other Mums at the time) Much less stress! They were all really down to earth too and 2 of them I still see 14 years later! Good luck!

I feel your pain... nothing worse than a bad baby group making you feel excluded/not yummy enough. Steer clear in future - from experience they sound horrid competitive parents and I wish I had not bothered to try to fit in myself, waste of time. My advice to you is to contact your midwife/health visitor/GP whoever is available to you now - as it has all changed since I had my DD. Mine was brilliant and put me together with 4 other Mums who had babies same age and we all used to meet up at each other's houses. She did this without asking as she knew I was isolated (lived in small village with no other Mums at the time) Much less stress! They were all really down to earth too and 2 of them I still see 14 years later! Good luck!

I feel your pain... nothing worse than a bad baby group making you feel excluded/not yummy enough. Steer clear in future - from experience they sound horrid competitive parents and I wish I had not bothered to try to fit in myself, waste of time. My advice to you is to contact your midwife/health visitor/GP whoever is available to you now - as it has all changed since I had my DD. Mine was brilliant and put me together with 4 other Mums who had babies same age and we all used to meet up at each other's houses. She did this without asking as she knew I was isolated (lived in small village with no other Mums at the time) Much less stress! They were all really down to earth too and 2 of them I still see 14 years later! Good luck!

I feel your pain... nothing worse than a bad baby group making you feel excluded/not yummy enough. Steer clear in future - from experience they sound horrid competitive parents and I wish I had not bothered to try to fit in myself, waste of time. My advice to you is to contact your midwife/health visitor/GP whoever is available to you now - as it has all changed since I had my DD. Mine was brilliant and put me together with 4 other Mums who had babies same age and we all used to meet up at each other's houses. She did this without asking as she knew I was isolated (lived in small village with no other Mums at the time) Much less stress! They were all really down to earth too and 2 of them I still see 14 years later! Good luck!

I feel your pain... nothing worse than a bad baby group making you feel excluded/not yummy enough. Steer clear in future - from experience they sound horrid competitive parents and I wish I had not bothered to try to fit in myself, waste of time. My advice to you is to contact your midwife/health visitor/GP whoever is available to you now - as it has all changed since I had my DD. Mine was brilliant and put me together with 4 other Mums who had babies same age and we all used to meet up at each other's houses. She did this without asking as she knew I was isolated (lived in small village with no other Mums at the time) Much less stress! They were all really down to earth too and 2 of them I still see 14 years later! Good luck!

d'you feel the OP's pain, dancer?