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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punch DP

52 replies

finchers · 15/01/2019 07:24

He's still off work after Christmas. He hasn't once got up with our 21mo in the morning to let me lay in

I'm 36+5 pregnant and struggle to sleep during the night as it is. I've tried to wake him and tell him to get up- he plays deaf. DS has taken to getting up way earlier lately. I can't nap during the day, I look after my 3 year old sister. Also, I've a low blood count so I feel weak and all fainty most mornings.

I've had a sit down talk with him that I need rest, he seemed to understand. He offers sometimes to get up... but it's after I've been up with DS for over an hour already and it's an after thought.

I don't think IABU, maybe a little selfish, but not U?

OP posts:
Original poster
finchers · 15/01/2019 08:13

The reason I don't have a 'proper FT job' and look after my sister is because childcare is expensive and I haven't anybody else to look after the children.

OP posts:
Dillydallyalltheway · 15/01/2019 08:14

Finchers you don’t deserve to get flamed at all, you are doing your best and you need some help. You really do have your hands full, and I worry you may get post natal depression.

Apple103 · 15/01/2019 08:14

Why complain when you are enabling him. Did he drastically change after the first baby?

Original poster
finchers · 15/01/2019 08:14

I'm going to have a conversation with him this morning. He's woken up and come straight to make us all breakfast, I think he feels guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
finchers · 15/01/2019 08:16

Apple no he didn't change. It wasn't so difficult for me as I have said, I just had the one child. I didn't really see there was much of an issue, he's a good provider and I wanted to look after him- I didn't realise the gigantic problem I was creating at the time.

OP posts:
sarahjconnor · 15/01/2019 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frenchchick9 · 15/01/2019 08:30

It beggars belief that women are having sex with such useless men and getting pregnant. Why?????

OP, he's neither use nor ornament. Sit down with him and spell out that it's completely unfair that you are getting up all the time with your dc and you are pg. Draw up a rota where you take turns to have a lie in. If necessary, ring his mum and complain how exhausted you are because her previous son has been a lazy useless bastard.

But it's probably useless as he's so lazy and entitled that he won't see why has has to do his share. Jesus wept.

Shoxfordian · 15/01/2019 08:31

He's not contributing to your family life
He's a knob

penelopepig · 15/01/2019 08:37

Oh dear OP I'm sorry you've found yourself at this point. He needs a swift kick up the arse and a reality check.
I'm only 25 wks and struggling to get up every morning so can only imagine how you're feeling.

lalalalyra · 15/01/2019 08:41

It's mighty convenient for him that he won't be able to take much time off in those hectic first weeks when you are settling a newborn, and settling your older child into the new household routine...

Do you have a spare room? Spare room plus ear plugs and tell him that for the rest of your pregnancy he's in charge from 11pm-9am. Although I suspect if you do that he'll probably find work very quickly.

madcatladyforever · 15/01/2019 08:41

I can't even speak I'm so angry for you. But if he was in front of me I'd punch him for you.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 15/01/2019 08:46

Twas ever thus, french. Guess it's easier if you want two babies just to procreate with the lazy selfish manchild again to achieve that end. Sad, but there you go.

SoyDora · 15/01/2019 08:51

Thank you OP.
Honestly it makes me so angry hearing about these bloody man children who have presumably made the joint decision to create a family but don’t want to do any of the work involved with raising them. Does he enjoy seeing you struggle?

Hadalifeonce · 15/01/2019 08:59

It is not too late to sit him down and tell him the truth.

If you let him sleep in and not look after the Dc, he will think it is acceptable. Tell him you expect him to get up in the morning because you are too knackered to do it; you expect him to pitch in with every other aspect of the home.

If you don't tell him he will believe it's all OK with you.

diddl · 15/01/2019 09:07

"If you let him sleep in and not look after the Dc, he will think it is acceptable. "

He's a fucking adult -he should know that it isn't acceptable!

LovingLola · 15/01/2019 09:13

he's a good provider

No he is not.

LovingLola · 15/01/2019 09:15

the house is his

Has there even once been a conversation about your name going on the house too? Or is it a case that it's ok for you to have his children but screw you, there is no way you are getting your hands on his house??

PlumpSyrianHamster · 15/01/2019 09:25

He's not a good provider or a good dad. A provider isn't just about money. He can't even BA'd to get up with his kid. A good provider makes sure everyone is safe, not a house in his name so he can kick out his partner at any time.

gambaspilpil · 15/01/2019 09:26

You have used your savings to renovate his house? You have his kids , used your savings for his house and then your surprised he does bollocks to support you with the young ones. He is carrying all the cards.... what are you going to do threaten to leave.... not a great position to find yourself in. So I would suggest that despite your OH not helping with the DC if your relationship is otherwise good get yourself in a better position so your not left vulnerable in the future.

ciderhouserules · 15/01/2019 09:29

OP - you are right, you have enabled and are facilitating this. 'He's a big baby' when/if he is asked to parent and step up? Well, that's all going really well for him, isn't it? Maybe you could try being a big baby when you want/need a lie in? If moaning and crying and sulking work - why not try it?
Personally, I'd be done with the 'trying to wake him' - I'd be yanking the duvet off and screaming banshee-like at him. You wouldn't need to do it more than once or twice, I bet. Get it sorted now, before you have 2 children to do everything for, and a twat. Stop 'looking after him', you have children to look after and he is a grown man (allegedly Hmm) who can and should be looking after himself, AND his kids. And you.

Re the house and finances - get legal advice.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 15/01/2019 09:37

You're not married, you're not legally on the house anywhere, you spent all your money on the house....

Even if your relationship was perfect, I would still say that you need to sort that out. Even if it's a quick registry office wedding, at least then if you decide to leave that house is half yours.

You started posting here around half 7... why? Why weren't you upstairs taking the duvet and kicking him out of bed? That needs to happen every morning.

Right now, go back to bed. Even if you don't actually want to sleep. Just go back to bed and make it clear to him that this is the last straw, you've had enough and you will not be getting up early again. It is now his job.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 15/01/2019 09:43

And it's not 'helping', it's parenting and pulling your weight in life.

Seaweed42 · 15/01/2019 09:45

Think you need to come to an agreement about who gets up when with the baby. A Rota.
There's no point in moping about and sighing loudly and hoping he'll notice how tired you are.
So today, make an agreement about what days are his turn to get up and what days are yours. Give him ownership.
If he's 'offering' to get up that means that he doesn't seem to know it's his turn or his job to do it.

Salmakia · 15/01/2019 10:40

You need to get married. Ultimately this relationship is going to fail. Sorry but at some point down the line doing all the parenting alone and caring for an adult partner who doesn't care for you is going to be too much and you'll walk. And without marriage you'll walk with nothing. If you're going to do the wife work that screws women at least make sure you're financially protected by being a legal wife. Ask for a registry office quick do asap. If he refuses you know where you stand.

LovingLola · 15/01/2019 10:54

You need to get married. Ultimately this relationship is going to fail. Sorry but at some point down the line doing all the parenting alone and caring for an adult partner who doesn't care for you is going to be too much and you'll walk. And without marriage you'll walk with nothing. If you're going to do the wife work that screws women at least make sure you're financially protected by being a legal wife. Ask for a registry office quick do asap. If he refuses you know where you stand.

This. 1 billion per cent.

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