To completely wash my hands of my sister??

[LM1980]

This is going to be long winded- have NCd to protect my identity as this will be outing.

My sister is 43. She has 4 kids- two older (22 and 18) and 2 younger (6 and 4)

3 years ago she attempted suicide while in the care of my youngest niece who was only 8 months old at the time. Fortunately, my mum was concerned about her and went round to check on her and was able to call an ambulance and save her life. Social services got involved and eventually it was dropped.

She got back with her ex husband (father of all 4 children) who she has had a very heated on/off relationship with for most of her life. Anyway yet again there was a heated exchange, her second youngest ended up in hospital and social services once again involved and dropped. A miracle a hear you say? It doesn’t end here.

Last year, my sister got herself involved in a serious crime. Fortunately for her, charges were not pressed but yet again was referred to social services. It went on for many months this time and in all honesty- me and my mum thought this was it and she was going to loose the kids. I was even looking into see if I could apply for custody of them.

By some bizarre miracle- she bucked her ideas up and yet again social services let her off the hook.

She has yet again fallen off the rails- taking drugs and excessively drinking with her older 2 children and her “friends” on the estate she lives on, stealing and god knows what else.

I’ve given in trying to help her, and tempted to set her up for social services.

AIBU?

Yes cal SS. Not to get at her but to help the younger children.

Call SS NOW. This is not about your sister - those children are at serious risk.

Not sure what you intend by ‘set her up’, as that has a very unsavory ring to it, but you do need to ring children’s services if the children are at risk in any way.

Don’t turn this into some kind of personal vendetta, focus on the children and do what you need to do to keep them safe. That’s all. No more, no less.

OP quite clearly means set her up WITH Social Services, don't be obtuse.

OP, you're at the point where you MUST step in.

It never fails to amaze me how SS seem to deal with different family groups
There is clearly something not right about OP's sister's life yet SS let her carry on. We dont know how much the OP's DNs are seeing but it is liely having an effect on them.

Sounds like you might want to consider if your sister is in an abusive relationship
Sounds like you want want to try to offer empathy to someone who tried to end their own life
Sounds like you haven’t considered some of the varied behaviours of someone dealing with mental health issues
Not everyone is a perfect victim. Not every patient is like on t.v.

She sounds like many many women struggling. I hope you try to start offering your sister some support.
Social Services are there to help women and children in difficulties. More love, compassion and care would help your sister and her kids more than your plan

I have offered her so much support I don’t know what else I can do. I’ve literally seen her on a downward spiral for the past 25 years and she isn’t the woman she was raised to be.

Without sounding snobby- we are from a upper middle class family, both went to private school and handed many, many opportunities both as children and young adults which she decided not to take.

My mum has spent thousands on private counselling for her, has offered to buy her a house close to her (she lives 50 odd miles away) and to pay her way until she gets on her feet- but no. Honestly the list is endless- shopping, topping up rent etc.

Both me and my mum are V stressed with her- which isn’t good for either of us. Mum is nearly 70 so not exactly a “spring chicken” and I am pregnant and have already been put on early maternity leave by my employer as I’m getting that stressed out and as a older pregnant woman my pregnancy is high enough risk as it is.

Another major concern for me is that my eldest DD is also being pulled into this web- she is only 3 months younger than DN2 and they are very, very close and despite her assuring me she hasn’t I do suspect she has been taking drugs with her because she is easily influenced. Heartbreaking for me as we have always had a very open relationship and while I wouldn’t be happy with her at least I’d be able to support her.

DH has already said she isn’t welcome around our new baby which naturally has caused major waves but deep down, I can’t blame him.

I honestly do not know what I would do in your position, LM1980, but you are really lovely (from what we can see), so want to send you lots of love and positive thoughts. Please keep us up to date with developments, I sympathise with all in this scenario.

&

Your primary responsibility is to the young children. If social services needs to intervene, you should call.

Oh this is sad, she's tried to kill herself!! Why? What's going on for her?

How were the DC harmed? There's bits missing here, are we to assume from this that she harmed as you didnt say, but if theres physical fighting she's not likely to come off best is she?

What happened to the DC needing hospital.

What is her oh doing? If he's fighting physically with her, well, he certainly shouldn't be living there.

Theres not much you can do except keep helping until you don't want to, if that's what you're thinking?

It's hard, and tragic that her life is in such chaos and violence.

I'm not quite sure what your money or supposed class has to do with this though.

God i hope this can have a happy ending

Ronald MacDonald spot on with the 'perfect victim'

I think you really need to ring social services. They should be trying to keep a complete picture and this is really not right for the 4 and 6 year old DC - so tragic for them. I hope they can get some help and that you can keep looking out for them.

You are concerned for your own child by the sound of things.

how much drinking and drug taking is she doing?

are the children affected. Does her DH step up?

You need to get social services involved NOW. This may even help to protect your dd.

Sorry I wasn’t clear- the DH currently isn’t involved but it’s only a matter of time before this changes.

She will spend the majority of her benefits on drugs.

If she feeds and clothes the children, they have a roof over their heads, a bed to sleep in and attend school Social Services will not do anything. They will be a long way off meeting threshold.

But if she’s known to Social Services the may conduct a SWANS Assessment given her history.

I think you need to take the you out of this

I mean this more gently than it might seem but you sound horribly judgemental and as though you’ve had an empathy bypass

If you use love and understanding your sister and her family will have a chance. You need to stop blaming and judging- it won’t get you anywhere
Anyone can end up in an abusive relationship. The long term damaging effects of this can be utterly overwhelming
Try to start seeing your sister and her children as survivors and be proud of them. Who knows where some encouragement might lead

If SS took into care every child who lived with drug-taking petty criminal parents... well the system is already collapsing.

What do you want to happen?

How do you think SS can help where you can’t?

If the kids were removed, would you, 100%, be willing to have them!

Because foster homes and children’s homes are a matter of last resort, given the lifelong impact .

Parents can love children even while taking drugs and committing crimes.

She needs to do the Freedom Programme maybe.

RonaldMcDonald I get what you are saying, but if the sister is getting the OP’s daughter into drugs etc, should she be excused because she has possibly been in an abusive relationship? Sounds like the OP and her mother have been giving as much support and love as they can.

@Ronald McDonald have you experience of a close family member who takes drugs who you have tried to support for many years to no avail? If not you have absolutely NO IDEA what it is like and your comments are extremely patronising and unhelpful.

She has yet again fallen off the rails- taking drugs and excessively drinking with her older 2 children

Great way to love her children, yes.

What kind of drugs? Please do call SS.

Taking drugs and drinking with her two older children

Well it depends on the drugs tbh. Are we talking recreationally? Many 1000s partake weekly, worldwide. Whether it is legal or to your taste is another matter. Her older children are adults.
Is it ideal? Well it depends on their view not ours.
Is it a habit? Different story but again to be helped if possible.

It is equally patronising to assume this is a drug problem when no one has stated it is. It can simply be a difference of lifestyle and preference with unhelpful judgement on both sides.

Your daughter too is either adult or almost adult and will have to make her choices about drugs and who she associates with. Blaming your dn for that might be a foolhardy path.
Being the daughter of a together mc woman will give her a better set of safety nets than your dn by the sounds of things.

I agree with nicolastart

I note how little you focus on the ‘heated’ ( abusive) relationship ending with a hospitalised child
Empathy is free

There is no focus whatsoever on the dv ending in hospitalisation. There are too many holes in this scenario, where is the father what is he doing? Does your DSis have an idva or WA worker for support, and yes to suggestion of freedom programme.

No, you cannot turn your dsis life around on your own or with your DM, but I would be terrified my sibling was going to kill herself, or be killed, and be very scared for DC who have ended up in hospital, buyout really are more concerned for you own position