To completely wash my hands of my sister??

[LM1980]

This is going to be long winded- have NCd to protect my identity as this will be outing.

My sister is 43. She has 4 kids- two older (22 and 18) and 2 younger (6 and 4)

3 years ago she attempted suicide while in the care of my youngest niece who was only 8 months old at the time. Fortunately, my mum was concerned about her and went round to check on her and was able to call an ambulance and save her life. Social services got involved and eventually it was dropped.

She got back with her ex husband (father of all 4 children) who she has had a very heated on/off relationship with for most of her life. Anyway yet again there was a heated exchange, her second youngest ended up in hospital and social services once again involved and dropped. A miracle a hear you say? It doesn’t end here.

Last year, my sister got herself involved in a serious crime. Fortunately for her, charges were not pressed but yet again was referred to social services. It went on for many months this time and in all honesty- me and my mum thought this was it and she was going to loose the kids. I was even looking into see if I could apply for custody of them.

By some bizarre miracle- she bucked her ideas up and yet again social services let her off the hook.

She has yet again fallen off the rails- taking drugs and excessively drinking with her older 2 children and her “friends” on the estate she lives on, stealing and god knows what else.

I’ve given in trying to help her, and tempted to set her up for social services.

AIBU?

It's ok to walk away if you need to. Sometimes you need to accept you can't always help loved ones. Maybe write her a letter and tell you are there for her if she chooses to get her life together.
You aren't responsible for her.

I think it's so hard to keep finding empathy after 20plus years of rollercoaster. Yes you can take a step back and understand how it's happened but the reality of dealing with it day in day out - and then to see it starting to impact others like the older kids, even your own kids - and still no sign of something changing. Yep, that's when empathy can slip away from many people.

I think you need to address two issues. Your own DD - is her drug taking recreational, is she aware of dangers not just of drugs but what could happen while under the influence. I'd be starting with very non judgmental discussions with her.
You Sister, yes involve social services - no they may not do much more than force your sister to 'buck up' again but anything that helps the youngest kids is important.

Ultimately you can't solve your Sister's problems for her. But I'd be staying involved to be there for the kids and your own DD

There is a reason for why your sister is like the way she is, it doesn’t excuse it but there is a reason and until she deals with that then she probably is never going to get better.

There is a lot of talk about you and your mum in these posts, what about your father? Where is he?

If you can’t do it anymore then you need to walk away.

Know your limits and protect your own children

inever fails to amaze me how SS seem to deal with different family groups

The brutal facts is that SS have no money and no time due to cuts

In many places they can only handle kids at serious risk of death , and not always

And there are very few foster families

So expecting and hoping SS to handle everything is a pipe dream . They cannot

And we are lucky to have SS , many countries don’t even have this mechanism

OP it’s awful - but don’t sadly assume SS can pick up the pieces here

Maybe time for a serious family intervention and discuss sharing care between you and mother ?

YANBU but I doubt social services will do much really, they simply don’t have the funds.

You are not immune from issues because of your amazing background. And you do sound snobby.
There are social problems across the board it's just that money is able to hide many issues

I feel enourmously for OP

It’s her sister at the end of the day and it sounds like said sister has provided not one iota of sisterly support ever and a shed load of stress . For decades

Having seen people in this scenario it’s hard as hell for the families

I can see why you want to step back . But I actually don’t think you will be easily able to

This comes over more as you trying to get at your sister and looking down on her than you trying to protect her kids.

Although it does sound bloody awful.

Call as, the younger kids need to be taken away from her ASAP and the elder ones given a way out of the situation if they want it.

Interesting that you say she is “not the woman she was brought up to be”. Reminds me of the “but we took you to stately homes!” thread for people who have toxic parents and seemingly lovely upbringings. Your poor sister is constantly disappointing everyone by not being what she “should” be. I’d bet one of my arms what whatever she did/does want to be, it’s not what she is now and it wasn’t what you lot think she should have been.

Your priority is the children though - yours and hers. I think there is a point where you need to wash your hands of the adults (and your sister sounds well past that point) but you do need to do something to try and safeguard the children. Don’t hesitate to report to SS, those little kids are seeing too much and will already be damaged by it.

Definitely call social care, you have a duty of care to protect these children. They need you to be a protective factor and if the worst cam to the worst they would always look at family to care for them rather than take them into care.

Some very sensible comments above.

‘If she feeds and clothes the children, they have a roof over their heads, a bed to sleep in and attend school Social Services will not do anything. They will be a long way off meeting threshold.’

This is particularly pertinent

Your sister’s mental health problems sound serious.
But it sounds like she is a ‘good enough’ parent.

I suggest two things you can easily do.

1. Write a brief letter to the Director of the local child protection services introducing you and your mother as close family who want to help and support your sister and your nieces. This gets your contact details as close familyon the books and given to the relevant team. It is important that you offer support rather than criticism as you are looking for a better outcome, non?

Should your sister’s family situation change and the case cross the thread hold of active SS intervention, you are more likely to be invited to join relevant meetings.

1. Consult a local family law specialist so that you and your mother can be advised on what can & cannot be done within current family law. This will bring you up to speed on how the child protection system works and set your expectations, e.g the younger children are more likely to go to the care of the father unless there is evidence of specific risk factors in place. With a cold splash of reality and knowing that certain scenarios you imagine are very unlikely, you may find it easier to offer your sister more relevant support &/or accept how much can be done to help her, and this applies even more so to the adult and younger children.

Tread carefully and wisely, as no matter how grim the circumstances or your disappointment in your sister, this is a family who love each other.

That said, the situation must be very upsetting and frustrating for you.

I notice the support you refer to from you and your dm seems to focus on financial. What about emotional support, getting to the bottom of why your sister has chosen this path? You don't seem to mention any of the non-financial support you have given...i can't help thinking that might be part of the problem particularly given things like your need to mention on your socio-economic status, private education etc growing up?

Omg I sleep in sheets fund yes, I was literally abut to post 'does anyone else think this smacks of the stately homers!'. It so does. OP gives completely irrelevant info.

The fact is, its very likely an abusive relationship (or more) , has brought about this woman's downfall.

Are WA and other support services involved in her life, its all very quiet on certain fronts?

Isleepinahedgefund was what I'd typed the first time around! Are all OS this rubbish, there is so much of it around all over the internet and in business!

Also, get in touch with ^Family Rights Group', and coram.

If yo can't do the support yourselves, and dv fallout is beyond a lot to manage (no judgement in that) you can do practical stuff like getting help and helping the DC.