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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread my wedding

29 replies

LetThemEatSweets · 14/01/2019 20:40

I am so nervous about standing up in front of people. I NEVER show affection to the outside world, even hugging makes me uncomfortable. I can't talk about my feelings or my relationship with people either, I find myself feeling very awkward and embarrassed. The wedding will only have immediate family in a register office but even that's too much.

I'm considering not doing it at all as the ceremony will make me too anxious. When we booked it felt so long away, but now time is creeping up.

I am nervous about telling work too, and having to explain the wedding day to everyone. I really hate attention. They always make a big deal when people get married with gifts, songs, speeches etc and I really do not want to do that.

I think people think I'm odd because I don't talk about my DP like others do. I am a private person, but sometimes I am embarrassed to tell people someone is attracted to me as I know I'm not good looking. I feel everyone is judging me and thinking I'm weird or wondering who would be with me.

I know this all sounds insane. And it's not just that, I hate planning too. I am stressed about finding a dress and all the other things I have to do.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 14/01/2019 20:43

Firstly why do you have to tell work? Don’t and keep everything the same there, one day after the dust has settled just drop it in to conversation that you got married a while ago.

Secondly, if it’s really bothering you, disinvite everyone from the ceremony and hustvhave two witnesses instead.

BejamNostalgia · 14/01/2019 20:43

Have a large brandy beforehand. Remember these people re there because they like and love you and are happy you are happy. You will be amongst friends. The place where you are safest and where you can relax and be yourself because they like you.

Original poster
LetThemEatSweets · 14/01/2019 20:45

@MimiSunshine I will be changing my name

OP posts:
LokiBear · 14/01/2019 20:49

I felt so nervous I wore a veil over my face so I couldn't see anyone. The stupid thing is, im a Drama teacher. Everyone expects me to be gobby and super confident, but im actually quite socially awkward.

Kariana · 14/01/2019 20:50

If it's bothering you don't tell anyone at work until after it's done and then just bring the name change up casually a few weeks later. Pre warn your boss you would prefer no fuss.

You could just have you and your partner with two witnesses if you prefer. Ask the registrar before hand to skip the "you may kiss the bride" bit. We didn't have it at our wedding as the vicar just missed that bit out for some reason. No one noticed.

brizzledrizzle · 14/01/2019 20:50

You can still tell work after the event, they don't have to know immediately in order to change your name.

Mookatron · 14/01/2019 20:54

More women feel like this than you would think. I did and a few of my friends too. It's actually quite upsetting. Something like thinking you're not the right kind of woman to be a 'bride'.

Don't tell work until after the fact and focus on the idea that you're committing to your lovely DP. I can honestly say my wedding night was the best night of my life... Partly because the wedding was over!!

HariboLecter · 14/01/2019 21:02

I was really nervous, not about getting married, but like you standing in front of everyone & saying the vows.
The day came, I walked down the aisle and all my focus was on DH and the registrar. We may as well have been the only ones there.
Please don't worry about it too much.

JamPasty · 14/01/2019 21:03

You don't have to have a dress. All you have to do is turn up with your partner and two witnesses and repeat some words after the registrar. Have the wedding you and your partner want, and don't feel you have to do anything you don't want to do. Tell work only after the event

RomanyRoots · 14/01/2019 21:07

You need to speak to your partner.
There are a lot of "I"s in your post, it's not a criticism but an observation.
It's both of your wedding, you should do what you both want.

Butteredghost · 14/01/2019 21:10

I'm really shy as well and really awkward, and I was nervous before my wedding. But it turned out to be a fantastic day, I think knowing everyone was happy for us helped. Compared to say doing a speech at work where half the people don't know you, some are bored and wish they could leave, and some want you to fail so they are next in line for promotion!

As for work, just tell them afterwards. You won't be changing your name until afterwards anyway. Even if you do it straght away, you'll need several weeks minimum to submit all the paperwork to the various places.

Honeyroar · 14/01/2019 21:19

I was nervous, so we just had a tiny ceremony with best friends and immediate family there, and a meal at a restaurant after, then we had a big evening reception, once it was all done and dusted and the stress was gone. Could you do something like that?

Moanger · 14/01/2019 21:21

I felt exactly the same. On the day we ended up meeting everyone in the pub beforehand and I had a pint of lager before the ceremony which was a massive help. It was good to get the seeing everyone bit out of the way too. It flew by and I actually quite enjoyed it. Don’t get me wrong I was glad it was all over and that I’ll never have to do it again and it was quite funny when dh tried to put the ring on the wrong finger! You’ll be fine once it’s all happening, it’s the thinking about it that’s the worst bit.

BuilderEtiquette · 14/01/2019 21:23

I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way, but it sounds like you have social anxiety - does it affect your life a lot in other ways or is it just the wedding? Have you thought about any kind of therapy?

I really hope I'm not speaking out of turn but it sounds exhausting thinking so much about what other people might think.

RosemarysBabyDress · 14/01/2019 21:25

You can get married without PDA if you don't like them!

Don't write your own vows, just go through standard formulas if you are more comfortable. You can chose any kind of dress you want, from coast, asos, monsoon to traditional wedding dress shops, no need to panic.

To be honest, in your case I would seriously consider eloping and getting married in holiday destination with no-one I know around.

In any case, if people ask at work, just tell them it was a private affair and it was lovely, job done. Many brides love talking about their weddings so people mean well when they ask - I doubt they really care one way or another, just trying to be pleasant.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 14/01/2019 21:27

My DH was like you. Walking up the aisle I saw him looking so pale and sick that I just hoped to God that it was because he was scared of the wedding itself and not because of getting married to me!

BUT he was so happy after the vows were said, he even shocked himself by delivering a beautiful grooms speech and still says that he likes to think of it when we're having a particularly grumpy day as it makes him remember that he loves me after all.
The anticipation can be nerve-wracking, especially when it makes you worry that you're making a wrong decision. Ubless you've had doubts before or have good reasons to worry, I hope you can find joy in your day. And definitely don't tell work or anyone else unless you want to!

TheFrequentNameChangingLady · 14/01/2019 21:31

I seriously think you need to go see your gp and get some counselling about your issues!

You can just have two witnesses if you want. 🤷🏼‍♀️
I'd put it off personally until you've started to deal with your issues. You don't want your special day to be marred with memories of anxiety.

Serialweightwatcher · 14/01/2019 21:45

What would be your ideal wedding day? Whatever it is, whether it's just you two without family there or anyone who doesn't need to be there, do it. As regards work, just tell them and let them congratulate you - don't worry so much about it all or you'll have a rotten time - I know it's easy to say, but you need to love it not hate it, so do it to suit you and your other half

Ikeepbuyinganimals · 14/01/2019 21:49

You're not on your own. It took me some serious bottle to go through the door into the room to get married. No reason either, I knew everyone in the room and they were great family and friends, but the idea of everyone staring at me... in a dress... nightmare!!
So my husband asked that people didn't stand up for me when I came in. And he didn't turn and look at me until I made it to the front, so I could stare at the back of his head all the way.

It's hard, but afterwards I had the BEST time at our reception just doing normal socialising. And work people will just wish you well. If they know you don't like a fuss they should keep it low key for you xx

Silvercatowner · 14/01/2019 22:04

If you cancel stuff or change stuff you will attract far more attention to yourself than if you just grit your teeth and get through it.

MereDintofPandiculation · 14/01/2019 22:37

I had a registry office wedding. DH and I turned up together in the same car, and said hello to all the family guests in the car park, then we all went in to the office, and from then on I was conscious only of him, me and the Registrar.

I can remember commenting to my cousin that I felt over-dressed (brightly coloured shot silk, lace, gold shoes, flowers in my hair) but I looked lovely in the photos (despite virtually no make up, and doing my hair myself), and I just remember it as a lovely relaxed day. So dress for yourself and your DH, do things that will give you pleasure, and I think you'll find it much less of an ordeal than you expect.

EatCrisps · 15/01/2019 06:22

You could keep your maiden name for work?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/01/2019 06:37

I’d think about going for some hypnotherapy to help with your nerves.

Oysterbabe · 15/01/2019 07:09

You don't have to tell work until afterwards. A chap at my place came in one Monday and told us he'd got married at the weekend. No one had had any idea. We weren't surprised though, he's always been a very private man. People just congratulated him and got on with their day.

FinallyHere · 15/01/2019 07:51

Great ideas from everyone above.

I felt similar but in the end decided to focus on having 'everyone i love together in one room'. The only people invited were people we would be sorry if we didn't see them again. It was quite a small gathering but lovely. I didn't think of my self as a 'bride' with all the bridezilla overtones. The people who came were there because they loved us. It was fab.

The arrangements were focused on peoples comfort, no hanging around for lots of photos. There were speeches, but very short and focused on thanking the people for coming. Having dreaded the whole thing, I look back in it with great fondness. It was all very simple but absolutely a day to remember.

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