To think that my ex's new GF shouldn't shower my kids with expensive gifts

[Moana034]

Hello all. Please help.

I was with my husband for 16 years but we split up 2 years ago (stopped living together a year and a half ago). At approximately the same time he got together with a new GF who he's since introduced to our children, 6 & 8.

She showers my kids with gifts from the most expensive shops in town. I have been feeling incredibly hurt by this, despite trying to rationalise it - telling myself that she's just trying to be nice, telling myself that it's better than if she was horrible and mean, telling myself that she can't buy my kids' love and I have nothing to worry about - but it's literally the case that when I see something new given by her, I find myself crying for hours afterwards. However much I'm trying to control my thoughts around this, my body and my emotions are completely unable to process this in a positive way.

Partly it's because it highlights my own money struggles and I worry that the children will start to compare what they get from me vs what they get from her (and find me wanting). I don't know whether this is a rational fear or not. I adore my kids, they are brilliant little people and we have a close relationship. By children can sometimes surprise you with their reactions, I think.

I also feel like this new woman is trying to replace me. I also have a new partner but I'm not even considering introducing him to the children, although I've been seeing him for 10 months, because I just don't see the point. What do my kids have to gain, except confusion? I keep the relationship separate and keep the kids' father's place intact, in a way. But I feel that he (the kids' father) has simply replaced me with a new woman, with whom he does exactly the same things and has the same lifestyle as we used to do - in many ways he still lives the same family life as before, just with a new woman (I sometimes wonder if he even notices that?!) I'm finding this increasingly difficult to deal with.

In all other respects, my ex and I have maintained a very good and close co-parenting relationship, but I've been feeling so upset over this I found myself thinking horrible thoughts about him. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If I am, do you have any suggestions for how I can get over this?

Yanbu, its weird, controlling and undermines the parent.

It would hurt and upset me too but in my experience kids really don’t care where stuff comes from. I’d try to be glad they were getting nice things and I wasn’t having to pay. My ex doesn’t pay child support but gives the children significant amounts of money when he sees them, sometimes they have more disposable income than I do, what with me having to cough up for the boring stuff like food, heat, clothes, uniform, trainers and all that crap . I try to be pleased for them though and they know not to expect pocket money from me for a while so it does help in that respect. It’s a bitter pill to swallow though.

YABU
it's understandable, but still YABU

She is trying to be nice, it's damn hard to become a relationship with someone who already has kids, if she is trying to make it a positive one, yes, be grateful. She could also resent every penny your ex spends on his kids and fight for him to forget his first family - by doing exactly the opposite, she is a good person.

She will never replace you, they only have one mother, nothing will change that. How can you worry about that, you are their mother, have been for 6 and 8 years full time, always will be. They are allowed to have other adults in their life.

You should be happy for them to get things they like. There were some similar threads around Christmas, posters resenting and refusing for anyone else to buy the "best" gifts for their kids, not even Santa, because the "best" gifts must come from the parents who want to take all the credit for them. Don't be that person.

Your ex has moved on, and seems to be doing it in a nice way, but so have you if you have a new partner. Are you miffed your ex is not still in love with you? How would that help anyone? It's over with him, and you met someone else. If you still have feelings for your ex, the father of your children, it's normal but you do need to move on to.

Don't mess up a set-up that seems to be positive for everybody. Maybe your current partner is not the one for you, are you really seeing yourself with him long term, or is it just a fling and you need an open mind to meet someone else?

“but it's literally the case that when I see something new given by her, I find myself crying for hours afterwards. ”

This is really a bit much.

But if you try and see it from the new gf's point of view, she's trying to build a relationship with your kids, she thinks buying them nice things will make them like her. Which it will but she will never replace you.

I think it's early days yet, give yourself time, I think it sounds like you're still in mourning for your old life.

I get it, it sucks, it hurts and makes you feel insecure. My daughter said to me last week that she is going to have a new mummy soon (exh new gf) and that killed me but I told her I am the only mummy she has. Kids will see through the gifts soon enough, they won't remember them when they are older, they will remember the time you spent watching movies, going to the park, playing games and being silly- having a happy childhood with their mummy. I know it's upsetting when a new woman arrives, believe me I do, my exh introduced her to my kids without telling me, but she cares for the children and I'm glad he has some back up and it makes me feel more comfortable with them going to his. Try to just ignore the gifts, just say oh that's nice shall we do xyz? And please don't get upset, it's not worth it 🤗 💐

it's literally the case that when I see something new given by her, I find myself crying for hours afterwards. However much I'm trying to control my thoughts around this, my body and my emotions are completely unable to process this in a positive way

This reaction is over the top. Please don't let your children witness this. I have a lot of sympathy for you, but I think your reaction may be more about your ex moving on, rather than the gifts themselves

YABU. You will never be replaced as their Mum. Of course ex is doing the same things with her, he's not just going to change what he likes doing.

Kids will remember presence more than presents. But it does just sound like she's trying to forge a positive relationship with them which isn't easy.

Oh yes and have you thought about having counselling? If you're crying for hours do you think you may have depression or just generally struggling to move on?

Can I come at this from a different angle for you OP?

I was the child in this scenario. Parents divorced and Dad had a new girlfriend.

She was very well off and would shower me with ridiculously expensive gifts. I'm talking front row tickets to Broadway show of my favourite musical, clothes, toys, bags and when I got older, festival tickets for me and groups of friends.

Sure, I thought it was great at the time. And looking back I'm sure my mum probably felt the same as you when I came home and told her all about it. I don't like the thought of that. But honestly, not for one second did I ever consider this woman as my mother. Not for a second did I ever begin to love her like a mother or more than my own mother. I liked her, she was cool, she was nice to me and absolutely spoilt me and as a child I thought that was awesome but I still couldn't wait to go home and watch a film on the sofa with my mum and nothing she could have bought me would have changed that fact.

That’s loveky soapandglory

Can you chat to your ex? I’d genuinely not be happy about my kids keep getting ad hoc gifts. They need to understand about the value of money. Try and stay positive though... talk a little about the ‘waste’ or the lack of space or duplication - they can buy things to keep at their house or put money in savings. Focus on stopping the gifts if they upset you but you do sound as if there is more to it and you need to move on.

Another child of divorced parents here, and one with a step mother very soon after the divorce. What really messed us up was the scrutiny and jealousy between my mother and step-mother. The tears, the insecurities, not knowing what to say when we got back from a visit to my dads as we didn't know what would trigger a reaction at that young age. Both women hated each other and it was an emotional nightmare dealing with it when you're only a child.

Yabu your reaction is over the top.

I can give you the gf perspective here. I sometimes treat dp's children to things. Not lavish, expensive gifts - I don't have the cash for it - but if I see something I know they'll love I might treat them or I'll take them out for cake. This isn't me trying to be their mum it's me trying to let them know I care for them, enjoy their company and am not a threat to their relationship with their dad. It's quite difficult to know where to draw the line as if you don't do enough you're accused of not caring. I think you need to let the gf forge her own relationship with them and see it as an additional relationship rather than one that competes with yours.

soapandglory - That's a brilliant reply from you

Are we talking just Christmases and birthdays etc or is she randomly buying them expensive gifts all the time? IMO there's a big difference.

I'm afraid I think although I get why you're upset, YABU. As others have said, it's incredibly hard to become a part of a child's life and some people only really know how to communicate with children through material things like gifts.

Everyone on MN is always so nice and reasonable. Before I found out that she was the OW, the new GF started a campaign of feeding my DC biscuits, sweets, fizzy drinks even though she was supposedly a health nut. Constant presents, like in the OP. Once the scales fell from the eyes, the first time my DC came home wearing clothes bought by the new GF they were thrown out on the road in front of his car next time he dropped them off. She was weird and controlling all through their childhood, in every way.

My DD now has a DSD of her own whom she loves, but gets on really well with both SD and SD's mother because she learned what not to do by seeing the machinations of her own SM. It's really important to recognise boundaries and not overstep them.

I had a step dad who completely spoilt me as a child and teenager. I adored him and a still do. However, even though I spent more time with him than my own father he doesn’t come close to replacing him. My dad is still the first person I turn to in a crisis or to share happy news with.

I can understand why you feel hurt, but it's her money to do with as she likes and if she's shopping with them during dad's time, I can't really see what you can do.

At most you could say that anything she buys is just for their house, but as your children get older, they'll probably just bring home what they want anyway.

Hey everyone. Thank you for writing back. In a way, hearing that I am being the one who's uneasonable is easier because I will hopefully get a grip on this eventually. PoesyCherish asks if I've had counselling and if I might have depression. The honest answer is, I don't know (I don't know if I've got depression, I mean - I've not had any counselling). I am going through a tough situation with regards to some other things - my mum is dying, and in another country. So this is not a good time, but I didn't think that was affecting my feelings about my ex's new relationship. Perhaps it is. Someone else has said that perhaps I'm still mourning the end of my marriage. Perhaps I am. The weird thing is that I've been doing great so long (like, over a year) and it's just suddenly all imploded. Is there such a thing as a delayed reaction to separation? I don't have any romantic feelings at all for my ex. But I did have strong attachment to us as a family, even though it was me who wanted to split up (for unrelated, but serious reasons). Thank you all again for writing and for being honest and direct.

Your mother is always your mother. Nothing can change that.
Your kids can kick off and get cross with you and even say hurtful things, but they do that because they feel safe to do that because you are the immovable and unchanging rock that is their Mum.
You are the cornerstone of their lives that enables them to run around and be free because that 'object' that is you is there that is immovable and unchanging.
I think you'd get some good help from counselling to be honest. To give you space for your own voice to be heard. You are finding the placement of new 'objects' from this girlfriend in your space very difficult and threatening. These objects seem like a massive invasion of your space. I think it's this, more than the expense of them, that's causing the problem. However, you are allowing the kids to freely have the stuff even though it hurts you, and that's very giving of you.

Also what's telling is that you are reluctant to bring your new BF into the 'family space' either because he'd be a new 'object' as well. There's nothing wrong or right about that. It just tells us about the sort of person you are and how much you valued the security of the home you had with your DH. You are reluctant to introduce more change. I suspect it feels like you are still working hard to 'police' the perimeter fence of your family home to keep it intact from more damage.
You find change very difficult, everyone one does, but you find this particular type of change hard.
It probably comes from your own childhood if you had a very stable, unchanging, home life as a child and your security was built on that. You went to build this for your own family but it wasn't to be, through no fault of your own. So understandably you are grieving that still, and it hurts

I see your mother is dying. Sorry about that, it's hard. I would say that is having a big impact on all this, regardless of how close you feel you are to her. Go easy on yourself because it's a very tough time in anyone's life.

That's an OTT reaction. She's just trying to get the kids to like her, and thinks expensive gifts is the best way. Nice that she's concerned about that, better than evil stepmother or someone ignoring the children. I'm sure your children will not be confused about who their mother is. Maybe talk to her and ask to rein it in a bit, not to spoil the children?

I’m sort of on the other side of your scenario...

I have a dss age 10 and his mum has complained that we spend too much on him. It’s really hard! He loves Lego & wanted to go to Legoland, so DH & I took him. He loved it but DM was angry with us because she ‘can’t afford’ to take him. DH loves to build lego with him, but when we spend money on Lego sets DSS says ‘I won’t tell mummy because she will be angry that you’ve bought me more Lego’. We also had a week in a cottage in Devon that she was annoyed about, again DSS loved it. My dc are grown up, things we like to do as a family include trips to London to shop, eat & see a show or European city mini breaks. DSS wants to come & would feel disappointed & left out if we didn’t take him. But if we do take him his mum will be angry & upset, especially if he gets anything new whilst we are away. When DM is upset, then this makes DSS upset.

I don’t want to treat DSS unfavourably in comparison to my own DC (see some of the abuse dished out in the step parenting section re: this!). And we can afford to do nice things that we all enjoy and have nice things, I don’t think that makes us criminals!

DSS is not allowed by his mum to take things we buy him back to her house, which also upsets him. She won’t even accept a gift from him, he bought her a bracelet with mum on using his holiday money from mil once and she sent it back with him to ours!

DH has 50/50 custody & as his DM works evening shifts I see more of DSS than she does. I probably do more ‘fun’ things with him & buy him more. Despite this I am sure that if DH and I split up tomorrow & DSS never saw me again, he may feel a moment of sadness but his overwhelming feeling would probably be ‘great, I get my dad all to myself’!

Mums don’t get replaced. Step mums can be horrible & mean or kind & generous BUT they are only ever a secondary figure. I honestly think you should focus on the positive side of this, that new GF wants to get on with your dc and include them. Maybe the buying stuff will settle down, or maybe she is one of those people who does buy a lot of stuff... either way I don’t think you can do much about it I’m afraid, other than find a way to manage your feelings.