Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think that my ex's new GF shouldn't shower my kids with expensive gifts

51 replies

Moana034 · 14/01/2019 09:47

Hello all. Please help.

I was with my husband for 16 years but we split up 2 years ago (stopped living together a year and a half ago). At approximately the same time he got together with a new GF who he's since introduced to our children, 6 & 8.

She showers my kids with gifts from the most expensive shops in town. I have been feeling incredibly hurt by this, despite trying to rationalise it - telling myself that she's just trying to be nice, telling myself that it's better than if she was horrible and mean, telling myself that she can't buy my kids' love and I have nothing to worry about - but it's literally the case that when I see something new given by her, I find myself crying for hours afterwards. However much I'm trying to control my thoughts around this, my body and my emotions are completely unable to process this in a positive way.

Partly it's because it highlights my own money struggles and I worry that the children will start to compare what they get from me vs what they get from her (and find me wanting). I don't know whether this is a rational fear or not. I adore my kids, they are brilliant little people and we have a close relationship. By children can sometimes surprise you with their reactions, I think.

I also feel like this new woman is trying to replace me. I also have a new partner but I'm not even considering introducing him to the children, although I've been seeing him for 10 months, because I just don't see the point. What do my kids have to gain, except confusion? I keep the relationship separate and keep the kids' father's place intact, in a way. But I feel that he (the kids' father) has simply replaced me with a new woman, with whom he does exactly the same things and has the same lifestyle as we used to do - in many ways he still lives the same family life as before, just with a new woman (I sometimes wonder if he even notices that?!) I'm finding this increasingly difficult to deal with.

In all other respects, my ex and I have maintained a very good and close co-parenting relationship, but I've been feeling so upset over this I found myself thinking horrible thoughts about him. Am I being unreasonable in feeling like this? If I am, do you have any suggestions for how I can get over this?

OP posts:

MrsFL · 14/01/2019 11:04

I’ve just seen your post re: your mum

That must be very stressful & sad, so is probably making everything seem much worse!

Juells · 14/01/2019 11:09

In a way, hearing that I am being the one who's uneasonable is easier because I will hopefully get a grip on this eventually.

I don't think your feelings are the slightest bit unreasonable. You're not a saint, and someone you hardly know (if you know her at all) is working at making your children like her. That's enough to make any parent feel threatened and that it's a bit off. You're entitled to your feelings, there's no law that says you have to be all self-denial and self-sacrificing and denying your own feelings.

NWQM · 14/01/2019 11:12

So sorry to hear about your Mum. There is a lovely thread over in bereavement supporting people who have lost parents. Really helped me in September. Head there

Original poster

Moana034 · 14/01/2019 11:26

Thank you Juells. Crying big tears!

OP posts:

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2019 11:29

OP, I think you've had some great advice on here. Yes, I get it can be hard, but I think it would benefit you to realise you aren't - and can't be - replaced.

Juells did you really do this? Once the scales fell from the eyes, the first time my DC came home wearing clothes bought by the new GF they were thrown out on the road in front of his car next time he dropped them off. Because that, frankly, sounds totally unhinged, and something that would upset your DC.

Juells · 14/01/2019 11:38

Because that, frankly, sounds totally unhinged, and something that would upset your DC.

Ha ha, some women love telling other women that they should be martyrs and should behave. My DDs weren't the least bit upset, and grew up understanding that their feelings matter just as much as everyone else's.

ArcheryAnnie · 14/01/2019 11:41

Nope, don't think you should "behave", but throwing clothes dramatically on the road sounds utterly, utterly bizarre.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 14/01/2019 11:42

Only read the OP, personally I think YABU, as the feelings you have are feelings that you need to deal with, which I think your transferring them onto her.

YABU is saying she’s new, she’s not it’s been 18 months.

Juells · 14/01/2019 11:49

Nope, don't think you should "behave", but throwing clothes dramatically on the road sounds utterly, utterly bizarre.

If you knew the shit I had to put up with for years your opinion might change. As soon as DH admitted the affair and we split up, the 'GF' signed up with my doctor - not her local one. She changed her child from the school she was attending, and sent her to the school my children were attending. My eldest was very upset when she turned up at the riding stables where she helped out to find the GF had signed up for lessons on the same day she helped out. Push push push. This was only the tip of the iceberg, we felt under absolute siege, like there was no area of our lives she wouldn't force her way into.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 14/01/2019 12:06

DH has 50/50 custody & as his DM works evening shifts I see more of DSS than she does. I probably do more ‘fun’ things with him & buy him more

And you don't understand why that might hurt mum? It is pretty miserable to be working all hours to keep a roof over your head to have your ex and new partner give your child everything you can't. The lack of empathy on this thread is astonishing.

OP YANBU. Go easy on yourself. You know it's better this way than her hating your children (which is something my children have had to put up with from numerous partners) so hang on to that. Make the time you have with your children count - downtime on the sofa with a hot chocolate and funny dvd is way more important than a new ipad.

London91 · 14/01/2019 12:13

Yanbu in thinking this but put yourself in her position she's met a man with children. Dunno if she has any of her own but she is probably trying to over compensate so that your children like her. Thing is if she is a nice person they will probably like her on their own. You can't buy children's affection, which is is obviously trying to do. It's probably not coming from a bad place but she is probably feeling insecure. Maybe you could have a word with your ex and say whilst you appreciate the gifts the kids don't need them all and ask if it could be reigned in a bit or saved for birthdays or Christmas.

Canibuildasnowman · 14/01/2019 12:19

YANBU, this would piss me off but I would be angry rather than upset. I have friends in this situ where the non-resident parent - always the dad - buys expenses stuff, or in one case finding our what mum was getting the kid ahead of time, and then giving it to him a few days before Xmas himself leaving the mum scrabbling around trying to get a refund so she could afford something else.
Here's the thing - NOTHING, no toy, game, gadget, bag, dress will ever come close to spending time with your child. No thing will ever buy love and no step parent will replace the relationship with your own child. If they like her that's good, she's in their lives but as they get older they'll see what she's doing.
For me the issue would be - I want my kids to understand the value of things, and money, and giving them flashy random gifts for no reason undermines that. They'll become spoilt. I have to reign the grandparents in all the time on this.
So I would speak to ex about it on those grounds. She's probably trying to be nice. Maybe a convo with your ex could guide the gifts around stuff that they actually need?? If she's going to splurge on a designer type clothing item and your kids could do with a new coat then let him know and she could get that rather than another pair of trainers? Do they need specific stuff for activities? Cricket whites, new footie boots - let her buy them.

Dimsumlosesum · 14/01/2019 12:24

My step mum did this. We saw straight through her (I was 11). But what was worse was my mum constantlyseeking verbal reassurances from me about it. As long as your kids are seeing you crying about it and you're not asking them for reassurance, try not to pay any mind to what she's doing.

KarmaStar · 14/01/2019 12:37

Hello OP,
I get your fears but your children will absolutely not for one second consider this lady their new mummy!
No more than they would consider your new dp,when or if they met him,as a new daddy.you are a part of them,every instinct in their little bodies knows you are mum.nobody can replace you in their hearts,thoughts or minds.it's an instinctive,natural bond.
Perhaps speak to your Dr about how you are feeling.with your mum and the loss of your marriage,and financial insecurities,you have a lot going on which is maybe too much and your tears are not about the gifts really.
Ring your surgery right now.
And be nice to yourself,you're coping with so much.
for you.

Juells · 14/01/2019 12:57

But what was worse was my mum constantlyseeking verbal reassurances from me about it.

There you go. If your mum had lashed a few of the presents back at the start you wouldn't have had to see her constantly seeking reassurances about it.

MrsFL · 14/01/2019 13:01

@ohreallyohreallyoh

Where did I say I didn’t understand that this might be hard for mum? Or that I I lack empathy?

I’m merely giving the other side, that just because Dss’s mum can’t afford to buy things or do things or doesn’t have time to do things it shouldn’t mean that the 50% of the time dss is with us then WE shouldn’t be allowed to do these things either! Just in case it upsets mum?!

FWIW, when DH split up with ex-w she was financially better off and he was destitute. When the boot was on the other foot she was less than gracious and rubbed his nose in all the things that she and her new bf were doing with dss. She is still far from broke, it’s just that DH (and dss) have benefitted from my financial situation being better.

I also said in order to reassure OP that despite all this, mum could never be replaced and that dss would probably be just as happy without me as his stepmom!

KittensAndCake · 14/01/2019 13:18

the first time my DC came home wearing clothes bought by the new GF they were thrown out on the road in front of his car

Sorry but I think this is really damaging to your child. A child shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in case they upset either parent or step parent. You're grown ups - you grin and bear it for the sake of the kids.

Dimsumlosesum · 14/01/2019 13:25

@Juells, it was the fact she couldn't afford stuff like that in the first place that meant she kept seeking reassurances from me, giving back the gifts wouldn't have made a difference.

PoesyCherish · 14/01/2019 14:10

@Juells your posts just make you sound more and more unhinged. And very damaging to your DC.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 14/01/2019 15:08

the first time my DC came home wearing clothes bought by the new GF they were thrown out on the road in front of his car next time he dropped them off

Juells, that was awful. Please don't kid yourself that this didn't upset your children

CarolDanvers · 14/01/2019 15:10

I probably wouldn’t go as far as @juells but I do agree that many like to pressure other women to take the dignified route and accept the unacceptable in the name of keeping the moral high ground. It’s not great for you to have screaming tantrums in front of your kids no but it’s also not great for them to see you eating sh*t constantly either.

RosemarysBabyDress · 14/01/2019 15:48

accept the unacceptable in the name of keeping the moral high ground.

it's not about the moral high ground at all, it's about acting in the best interest of the child. If you divorce someone and don't have kids, knock yourself out. It won't help you in the long run, but it's your problem.
As soon as there are children in the middle, be the adult. In an ideal world, both parents should behave the right way. If one doesn't, the other should make even more efforts. Not for them, but for the kids.

If parents were less selfish and self-centered, and burning with jealousy about the new partners, the kids would suffer a lot less when their parents split up.

takeittothebridge · 14/01/2019 16:01

Oh lordy, I remember being threatened with a slap in the chops for buying my ex's daughter a 2 quid Barbie hairbrush.

aintnothinbutagstring · 14/01/2019 16:12

You only get one mother Look at these long lost family tv shows, where they look for estranged parents/siblings, never had any sort of relationship but that longing to know where they come from, a biological connection that can never be broken. You have to be the bigger person and be light and breezy about the gifts, see the GF as a kindly aunt rather than a replacement of you, she'll never be that. Focus on experience and good feelings between you and your DC, which money can't buy.

Meangirls36 · 14/01/2019 16:13

They will always love you more than anyone else. You are their mum. My mum had friends and family who would take me for treats buy me make up and presents. My mum just saw it as saving money and would have requests like clothes or new shoes. I would concentrate on making memories with your kids and being there for them. Sorry to use making memories but this time it actually applies.

Flip

1 2 3