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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That my friend left my party because there were children there

60 replies

Pennies · 29/06/2007 18:00

We had a big BBQ at the weekend - 40 adults plus about 20 kids. It was an afternoon BBQ and on the invite there was a bit abut how we were organising a face painter to come for the children.

Anyway my mate and her DH were coming from a long way off and were going to stay the night. They don't have kids. I was really looking forward to seeing her as I've not seen her for ages.

Anyway, he looked totally disinterested from the moment he got here and played with his phone most of the time he was there and she eventually said they were going home and made some excuse which I took at face value and was generally fine about it but a bit sad that we wouldn't get more time to catch up.

Today I picked up a message from my friend on my mobile saying that the reason they left was because he didn't want to be there because there were kids at the party.

So, I AIBU for being p'd off with her for telling me the real reason - I preferred the lie to be honest.

Also, AIBU to think that the fact that he should have realised that as i've got 2 kids myself there might well be some other children esp as it blardy well said so on the invites.

I'm really p'd off and I sort of want her to know how I feel but I'm not sure it would serve a purpose. How can I tell her how I feel without slagging her DH off?

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 29/06/2007 20:57

Of course, another option is to contact HIM directly and ask him why he came to a social event where the presence of children was made clear on the invite, if he didn't want to be with children. While he's trying to get his head round the fact that you dared speak to him directly, you might follow it up with, Such a pity you didn't stay at home if you felt like that, as your wife could then have enjoyed herself. Do you realise how much you spoiled it for her?

nightowl · 29/06/2007 21:02

oh gawd no, he wont say anything, then he'll give his wife a rollocking and she'll be annoyed at pennies for going behind her back!

Elasticwoman · 29/06/2007 21:06

You're probably right Nightowl.

LIZS · 29/06/2007 21:14

Maybe she hadn't told him what to expect, deliberately even. Not that it excuses him, he just sounds rude and self centred tbh. Perhaps just invite her next time.

Text her back saying you are sorry he didn't feel they could stay longer as planned, that there must have been some misunderstanding of the nature of the party and you're sad you didn't catch up and would she like to meet you another time.

catsmother · 29/06/2007 21:48

The minute I read your thread, I immediately thought it was a him problem, and not her. And then, Dior comes on and describes what she has to put up with from her H ..... which is exactly what used to happen with my exH.

In other words, please try not to feel too pissed off with your friend. Right now, she's between a rock and a hard place, and if her DH is anything like my ex, it'll be a "choice" of trying to keep in touch with friends on a minimal basis, in order to keep the peace with him (or not at all), or having to put up with the mother of all sulks because she had the temerity to drag him along to a party he didn't want to go to. I bet as well that parties etc with HIS friends are a must, and he's the life and soul of the party there.

I hope you can still be there for her when they (quite likely) split up. I'm ashamed to say that my ex came between me and a group of friends who were once very dear to me. I should have been more assertive (about that and a whole host of other things) but gradually lost touch with them because he used to make it so difficult (writing this now sounds really pathetic I know). He too would normally be polite enough but then feign some imaginary headache or "stomach upset" so off we'd go - he even actually admitted as much after the event, the spoilt selfish git, when I cut short an evening at my friend's wedding reception to keep the "patient" company.

Please don't be angry with her .... feel sorry for her instead (if I'm interpreting this correctly).

vixma · 29/06/2007 21:56

hubby the probs, hopefully uhad a good time and so did everyone else....sounded awesome, many of us on mums net would have come....where was our invite.

UnConfident · 29/06/2007 22:08

He sounds like my sisters husband.

He is a controlling bastard.

He makes her cry on the way to every event, including my sisters wedding. He said he would drop her @ church & go home. She sobbed. He is a cunt, a total cunt.

They came to a BBQ here in the summer, they arrived & she had a face on her, whilst he was smiling like a chesire cat. He had put her down the whole way here in the car, made her feel like shit, then he was able to turn the charm on when they arrived here, but by that time he had knocked the happiness out of her.

Another time our aunt died & my sis was very close to her, nursing her in her final few days/hours. Her dh told her to stop crying, stop talking about aunt etc.. and he wouldn't come to the funeral to support her.

He has known my kids all their lives & my nieces & nephews too...yet he still insists on calling them "Little girl & Little boy"

Call your friend, make sure they aren't trying unsuccessfully for a child, then offer her your support.

kimi · 29/06/2007 22:23

What a pilchard!
What did he think you were going to do, banish your children to the attic and not invite anyone that might have the cheek to bring their children, what a strange man!!

Lauriefairycake · 30/06/2007 00:12

I would say to her exactly what you said, that you 'preferred the lie to be honest'. Then at least you and hers relationship is 'real' if hyou want to preserve the friendship.

I don't really get why everyone is slagging him off when all you describe is that he looked disinterested and was playing with his phone - sounds like normal man with no kids behaviour to me and maybe just not his kind of thing.

Yes, he knew there were kids there but maybe he said to her 'hey I cant be arsed with kids but I'll go with you cos its your friend but promise me if its really boring we can go home'.

In all honesty it sounds like SHE was uncomfortable with her man being bored and left to please him - I can't believe how many women do this.

Skribble · 30/06/2007 00:14

I would leave it or say thanks for being honest and sorry it wasn't the kind of party you thought it was going to be.

handlemecarefully · 30/06/2007 00:16

haven't read rest of thread, but excuse me for my bluntness (just got home after a few beers) - why are you friends with simpletons like that?

Tortington · 30/06/2007 00:17

childless people dont think about people with kids - so yyes you are being unreasonalble in thinking that they would have this forethought !!!

some people hate kids. your party sounds like a fucking nightmare to me - and i have kids.

newgirl · 30/06/2007 01:38

the only thing id text back is 'fair enough lets organise a girls night out instead it will be good to see you'

then never invite him to anything again - dont make a big deal out of it - there are loads of my mates dh's i dont like and we just dont see them - makes no difference at all to our conversations and relationships!!

alicet · 30/06/2007 13:04

OK so not read the whole thread but....

I don't think you're being unreasonable in being disappointed and pssed off. However, remember this is your friend's dh and not your friend. It sounds like she was caught right in the middle of a difficult situation and was trying to please both of you and therefore probably only succeeded in having both you and her dh pssed off with her!! I think it was good of her to be honest with you - thats what friends do.

Not everyone enjoys spending time with children. OK so you had made it clear that that was what the party was about but I guess if they live a long way away it might have been hard for her to come on her own? And maybe she hadn't told her dh the crack about the party to get him to come, who knows. I do think he was rude however as he could have tried to hide how he was feeling.

I think it would be very sad if you fell out with your friend over this and I don't necessarily think criticising her dh would help your relationship. Maybe explain you were disappointed to learn the real reason but that in the future if her dh doesn't like the company of lots of children then it might be better to meet up just the 4 of you (either with your children there or get a babysitter) or just with you and her. Even those who dislike children often find it easier when there are not so many! And I wouldn't take it personally on your children - there are lots of reasons why he might feel uncomfortable that might be nothing to do with them. Bottom line is if she is a good friend you need to work around her dh and make sure you still get to see each other. Getting too stroppy about it, although entirely understandable, might make things really difficult for her and put her in a position of having to choose between you and her dh.

Of course all of this presumes she's a close friend - if you're not bothered about her friendship then just accept that your lives have now taken different paths and perhaps its time to cool your friendship and focus on other more likeminded friends.

Sorry that was so longwinded!

Original poster
Pennies · 01/07/2007 11:39

Thank everyone for your advice (except perhaps Custy - not sure my OP asked for your opinion on the actual party so I think your reponse was rude and inappropriate.)

FWIW I've been thinking about this a lot over the weekend and I'm more on the side of being worried about her than being pissed off now. I'm going to give her a call tomorrow when he's not around and check she's OK. My step sisters ExH was like this and that all ended in tears. Let's hope her situation isn't like it seems at all.

OP posts:
Dior · 01/07/2007 16:15

Message withdrawn

Tortington · 01/07/2007 16:43

i apologise if you took my response that way. i meant to demonstate through my personal preferences how people dont always like children - even when they have them. i did not mean to infer any slight on the party itself, which i am sure was a truly special family event.

noddyholder · 01/07/2007 16:51

I have a ds 13 and up until he was about 11/12 I was desperate for more kids but couldn't and since I have accepted that there will be no more something has switched in me and I find kiddie stuff unbearably boring and have reverted to the person I was pre kids and avoid parties like that if poss.My own ds and his friends I can bear but parties with all eyes on the LO's and what they are doing are so boring if you aren't into it.You can still be friends though

WelshGirlie · 01/07/2007 16:51

Hi Pennies, I didn't post earlier as I didn't think you'd want to hear what I was going to say. But seeing as Custardo has dared to say it, I'll back her up.

I think you are being unreasonable.
I don't have any children and if I turned up to a party and there were 20 kids there I would think I'd arrived in hell.

Not everyone likes being surrounded by children. I can't blame the chap for his behaviour.

You say you hadn't seen your friend for ages and were really looking forward to it. Is an event with 60 people there really the best way to achieve quality time with your friend?

Elasticwoman · 01/07/2007 17:24

Welshgirl and Custy - your dislike of parties with children is a perfectly reasonable view to hold - but the point is, he KNEW there would be children there, but came anyway and behaved rudely, spoiling it for other people. No one forced him to come to the party. He should either have come with an open mind and a party smile, or stayed away. It is not the partygiver's fault for inviting them, although if she has any sense she won't invite them ever again.

Tortington · 01/07/2007 17:30

my first answer was tongue in cheek - yes you are being unreasonabble for expeting childless people to behave as you have pointed out elasticwoman....boom booom. - the inference being that chilless people.

i thought my two line post wasn't even all that bad - i have apologised for - well a not sure - causing offense seems to cover it.

obviously these people were rude - my comments were a form of sarcasm.

when i intend to insult someone i dont apologise - so my apology is sincerely meant.

your friends are rude fuckers.

Original poster
Pennies · 01/07/2007 17:46

No worries, Custardo - I'm always up for a bit of sarcasm but sadly it is often lost in the written word.

Welshgirl, you're right about not being able to catch up with loads of people there which is why they were due to stay the night afterwards so that we would have just that time once we'd got the kids in bed, which was never going to be later than 7.30.

With regard to having kids at parties - of course I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but seeing as almost all of our friends have got children (the majority of which are all under 5) then we can't realistically have a party without them if we want people to come as we all live a long way from each other now. If people don't like children or parties with loads of the blighters running around then they don't have to come, which is why I put a bit on the invites about them being v. welcome and catered for to give them a Get Out Of Jail Free Card, as it were.

Anyway, this thread has given me cause to think beyond the face value of the rudeness and will talk to her seperately to see if everything's OK.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 01/07/2007 17:47

Custardo, how do you get on with Scrabble when you have such appalling spelling? Surely every one knows that Boooooom has 6 os.

FluffyMummy123 · 01/07/2007 17:51

Message withdrawn

Dior · 01/07/2007 17:59

Message withdrawn

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