To ask you if my almost 4 year old has autism

[WorriedMum11]

I feel like my almost 4 year old daughter has autism. I’ve name changed and also I have an older daughter and I try not to compare them but I look at other 4 year old girls in my almost 4 year old DD’s nursery class and think she is possibly on the spectrum. My husband thinks IABU and these are typical behaviours for a soon to be 4 year old. She’s 4 next week.

I have read that AuTism can present itself differently in girls to boys.

• labels and sleeves these scratch her and feel tight. She won’t wear her nursery jumper because of the cuffs. I have to lie on cold days and say the teacher says you have to.
• at night will only wear shorts doesn’t like material on her legs
• won’t wear certain colours e.g green. Is adamant she doesn’t like certain clothes - I have so many clothes I have bought her thinking she would wear them and she doesn’t. It’s the same old skirt and top she’s happy to wear.
• I almost feel like she tries to fit in at nursery. I sense the exhaustion in her at home. When she’s home she has her meltdowns.
• she has one best friend and obsesss over her all the time.
• she struggles to be out of routine. She’s still in pull ups at night and likes to wear knickers over her pulls ups - if she doesn’t get knickers it’s a meltdown
• she does pretend play but it’s like she feels she has to play like that rather than wants to and does a fake American accent (maybe too much barbie and an older sister)
• goes to ballet with a group of girls in her class and doesn’t sit or talk with them
• does stuff if she knows it’s a rule. E.g at ballet wouldn’t stay without me until the ballet teacher said no sticker for her and then because she knew she would get a sticker would stay with out me.
• refuses to any other class other than ballet
• will only do swimming lessons one to one
• copies her older sister - hasn’t found herself
• if people don’t play her way has a meltdown - conversely she will generally easily share
• obsessed with one little toy rabbit to sleep with
• can write her name but refuses to learn other letters or sounds
• feels she must be compliant and so should others e.g will have a meltdown if she feels her old sister is doing something ‘wrong’ or not the right way

All her teachers / learning assistants say she is fine interestingly her group leader at nursery has said she knows when DD is about to have a meltdown and so she said she’s built up different ways to distract her if she does as she’s realised she’s sensitive.

So am I worrying about nothing? She plays dolls, shops, likes her scooter and playing in the park. She wants a pink butterfly and diary bedroom like her big sister.

If you do feel I need her checked out/assessed who do I speak with? Can I get it done privately?

Sorry for the long post but I need to speak to DH and he’s not having it and thinks IABU and she’s a regular almost 4 year old girl.

Thank you just speaking to DH now interrupting his Netflix programme and he said DD2 is just sensitive.

I think I will arrange to speak with her nursery teacher at some point this week. I have some time off on Friday and will get an appointment. I think I many call her HV too who I’ve not spoken to in a while but I had PND so had a longer relationship with her due to that with both DDs.

I am a sensitive and intuitive person. I just think we really work around her and then when we have an ‘okay’ day like let’s say Panto and she didn’t have a meltdown at Panto we’ll be like oh DD2 handled Panto well! That surprised us but it shouldn’t should it? I also find DD2 acts like she thinks she should so if DD1 is scared DD2 will pretend she is and I’ll joke DD2 no you’re not! She has a great sense of humour!! Has the most beautiful infectious laugh and is an absolute delight!!

But at times can be emotionally challenging.

I don't think anyone can really say - I'm not trying to be disrespectful to parents of children with autism but as someone whose work brings her into contact with lots of parents of children with autism (including girls with autism who as someone else has said can present very differently), I would say that what you are describing could be anything or nothing if you see what I mean, and the problem you'll have is that parents of children with autism will recognise some of it but so will parents of NT children.

I would speak to the National Autistic Society who will support you in trying to get a referral. They've got a very good website as a starting point. They also recommend the M-CHAT as a starting point for deciding whether you should look for a referral.

www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/children.aspx

Lots of those behaviours sound like a normal 3 or 4 year old to me. At that age some children can be a bit dofficult and prone to tantruns.

I have a 9 year old with autism and a 7 year old who doesn’t have autism. My NT 7 year old, and some of his friends, still have tantrums about minor things.

Also, I think all humans have their oddities. None of us is entirely ‘normal’ and if you examine anyone closely enough you will start spotting little things they do that are a bit different.

Having said all that, your DD might actually have autism so its worth keeping an eye on.

My 4yo son displayed a lot of the traits you have described, we didnt pander to it and he is now completely fine.

No disrespect to parents of SEN children but sometimes i think theres is a rush to diagnose a problem where there isnt one. I suspect i will be flamed for saying that, to be clear I absolutely believe that autism and aspergers are real conditions.

I think a lot of what you have described is quite common in a 4yo and most of them will grow out of it.

Thank you for all your thoughts. I can be prone to health anxiety for my children so can DH. As they were difficult births the first was in NIcU and the second in SCBU.

I completely take on board there is no normal so I don’t mean that disrespectfully I suppose I just want to know a little if these behaviours are indiciative and then perhaps if so I can just understand my next steps.

I will look to the charity for advice too. Thank you

It’s like I’ve always known

This really resonates with me. I knew for years that my DS was different to my friends children, right from when he was around 6mo and they all hit that age where their personalities really start to shine. He was different. It was very isolating, especially when they got past the age where his particular traits were no longer "cute" or "funny".

If you're worried then speak to the GP or the HV. Take a list of your concerns along with some examples of situations and behaviours, your opening post would be ideal, and tell them you would like her to be referred for further assessment. Ultimately, they can't find what isn't there but if there is something then the sooner it's diagnosed the better as early intervention makes a vast difference in outcomes.

No disrespect to parents of SEN children but sometimes i think theres is a rush to diagnose a problem where there isnt one

It is really difficult to get a diagnosis and in a lot of cases it takes several very stressful years during which they are, in my experience at least, quite reluctant to rush to a diagnosis.

My eldest met all of the traits you described however he grew out of them.

My youngest again displayed some of the behaviours and again grew out of them.

But you know your child, if you’re worried talk to your HV and ask for a paediatrician referral. Nursery can refer too.

rush to diagnosis?

I have a ds with ASD & I would say yes, it's likely that your DD is on the spectrum. How is she with food? Textures more than taste of food was a big issue for us at 4yo

OP to tag someone place followed immediately by the posters name than another immediately a straight after, no gaps between them.

Also consider what she would be like if you didn't make the adjustments you're currently making and whether she could cope or not. For example, what happens if you don't provide the 'right' clothes or food? What happens if you don't intervene in social interactions? What happens if you don't remove her from a situation or environment that she doesn't like?

rush to diagnosis?

**

I know, right? Four years, six months, three rounds of assessment, one accusation of FII, one formal complaint made to school, one utterly useless SENCO who derailed the whole process, and then finally a diagnosis.

Such a rush.

OP to tag someone place followed immediately by the posters name than another immediately a straight after, no gaps between them.

Doesn't that just put their username in hold? I thought for it to show as a reply you had to use the @ sign. Like @loubluee

Hold = bold

@melissasummerfield did you perhaps mean rush to label rather than rush to diagnose?

@melissa
I’m the mum of an NT child and an ASD child. There is a noticeable difference in how ASD children and NT children behave, however when written down can easily be ‘explained’ by ‘it’s just a phase’ or ‘my child does that sometimes and he’s not asd’ or ‘it’s normal for some kids to do x’, ‘it’s normal for kids to have tantrums’, ‘it’s normal for kids to be hard work’, ‘it’s normal for kids to want to have it their own way’.
This is something a lot of parents who Don’t have children with SEN see it, & that’s fine. However, when you’re a parent of a child with ASD & have spent years researching it you become quite attuned to noticing it in others. (Reason being you’ve learnt to see things from their perspective, you know the behaviours can sound similar to NT behaviours but the reasons are very different, so rather than simplifying the behaviour as you are, SEN parents will be looking at the reasons for the behaviour)

FYI
A quick diagnosis IS important & ASD is not a ‘problem’ as you put it.

@EwItsAHooman I've downloaded the app!

I just know she's different not bad different just different.

Yes I would like support - yes we make adjustments to make her life easier.

She doesn't cope like other kids.

I almost feel like she's sometimes acting not being herself. I can't be sure because she is a truly delightful child. Just so many things that make me think she is on the spectrum.

Even her nursery group leader is essentially adjusting for her with techniques and the teacher who runs the nursery wraparound picked up on her sensitive nature.

But all describe her as sweet polite and that she follows rules.

ReaganSomerset what I wrote down and what you wrote down, are both doing the same thing. Putting the name in bold for the OP to know they are mentioned. Just two different ways of doing it that’s all.

Op sorry if this has been mentioned and it probably has, but give NAS a call, they can provide you with a wealth of information. I have a lot of experience with teenagers and adults with autism but very little with young children, so sorry I can’t be of help.

But I would say as a starting point, as you are doing now, you will get a lot of help from mums and dads on here, who have experience of it themselves. We talk about the ‘professionals and those experienced in autism’, but you won’t get any more experienced than a parent. Just keep in mind that it is a spectrum and it is vast, so what applies to one child may not apply to another.

OP, have a look at this link - it gives a very good explanation of autism in a comic format - it makes the idea of the spectrum much clearer and makes it easy to understand why people with autism can present so differently from each other.
themighty.com/2016/05/rebecca-burgess-comic-redesigns-the-autism-spectrum/

The thing with asd is that every child will have some traits that could indicate asd (or not). I have 1 nt child and 1 with asd. My nt child is a perfectionist, has some sensory dislikes, has intense interests, can become very distressed at times or ‘melt down’ etc and I’m sure I could think of other things that could indicate autism. But they aren’t autistic.
A lot of things you have written could apply to any child imo. I find it interesting that you included your child being motivated to stay at ballet by a sticker as a sign. A lot of kids are motivated by stickers which is probably why the teacher uses them!
If you’re concerned by all means seek advice from your hv/gp. But all children have their little quirks and at age 4 none of the behaviour you have describes is particularly out of the ordinary imo.

@loubluee fair enough, just that when someone uses @ with my username I get an email informing me of a reply, but I only see the bold if I return to the thread. Maybe it depends on the way your email notifications are set up.

ReaganSomerset that’s interesting I never thought of it like that. I guess because I’ve always used this way since I’ve been on the site (a long time and many names lol) and people reply if I mention them, it’s never crossed my mind! Thanks though, I will change the way I do it!

Also consider what she would be like if you didn't make the adjustments you're currently making and whether she could cope or not. For example, what happens if you don't provide the 'right' clothes or food? What happens if you don't intervene in social interactions? What happens if you don't remove her from a situation or environment that she doesn't like?

I can tell you what would happen with my 5yo DD - all hell would break loose. And it wouldn't be because she was being "naughty" or "spoilt" but as a result of genuine, deep distress.

She could be gifted. My dd was a lot like her at that age and was iq tested at school (in the US) and she tested very high (130+). Many gifted children show the same type of behavior as your dd, like masking behavior at school because they do not fit in with their peers, very sensitive to clothes tags, materials etc. My dd also had tantrums and broke down when she came home from school, she held it together while there. She also didn't like to play pretend games, was more into logical games like puzzles, board games, made her own experiments and stuff. Just wanted to give you another perspective on it.