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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To come off the pill without telling DP?

42 replies

MotherOfDragons90 · 13/01/2019 18:24

BEFORE I GET FLAMED: He is absolutely desperate to have a baby. I’ve said not this year - I’m 5 years younger than him (25) and not quite ready yet.

However I was thinking of coming off the pill later in the year/early next year but not mentioning it, just to see what happens. I’m worried that if I make a big deal out of starting to try he will get disappointed when it doesn’t happen each month and I’ll feel pressured. Whereas if I do manage to fall pregnant and tell him he’ll be over the moon.

It feels a bit sneaky though. Is this a really awful thing to do?

OP posts:
Spaghettijumper · 13/01/2019 18:26

It's not awful, just really immature. If he can't handle a bit of uncertainty how will he handle the pregnancy or, god forbid, any fertility issues you might have?

GoodCow · 13/01/2019 18:27

Why don't you say to him you're thinking of coming off the pill in a few months, but not tell him when you actually do. But won't you want his support if you don't get pregnant?

TooTrueToBeGood · 13/01/2019 18:27

Don't do it. No matter how keen he allegedly is, or how over the moon you think he would be, he has a fundamental right to know there is no contraception in place.

UnderTheSleepingBaby · 13/01/2019 18:27

If its that far off why not ask him what he'd prefer, he doesn't know when you'll do it so keeps the pressure off if he wants or if he'd prefer it you can tell him so you both know what is going on

BastardGoDarkly · 13/01/2019 18:28

Agree with under you need to ask him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2019 18:31

YABVU. If you’re going to have a baby then have a grown up discussion about it. If you can’t do that then you aren’t ready to think about it.

MitziK · 13/01/2019 18:31

If you don't have the talk, you won't know if he's changed his mind.

And when was desperation ever an aphrodisiac?

GirlfriendInAKorma · 13/01/2019 18:32

You are both adults. Treat him as an adult.

CloserIAm2Fine · 13/01/2019 18:32

Don’t have a baby with someone you can’t be honest about contraception with

PinkHeart5914 · 13/01/2019 18:33

It’s lying, plain and simple. In a good relationship you should be able to trust your dp with regards to contraception.

How would you feel if he said he was wearing a condom and he wasn’t? Or if he poked holes in the condom?

As for you, you either are ready for a baby or you aren’t. A new life will be involved you need to act like an adult and decide together when to try

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 13/01/2019 18:34

This is a terrible idea.

Discuss it with him.

Gillyhicks · 13/01/2019 18:34

It is a really awful thing to do. It should be a joint decision.

You’re 25 so unlikely to have problems conceiving and your dp will hopefully understand that you might have to try for a while if it doesn’t happen immediately?

I think you should talk about it together honestly and then decide if you’re both ready.

Harryo · 13/01/2019 18:36

If you are not mature enough to discuss stopping your contraception with your DP, You are not mature enough to be having a baby together.

Dextrodependant · 13/01/2019 18:38

You really shouldn't do that, Everyone should know if they are actively trying to conceive or not!

Original poster
MotherOfDragons90 · 13/01/2019 18:38

I’m 100% not ready right now, as you may be able to tell!

I thought it would be U to be fair. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 13/01/2019 18:41

If you’re not ready don’t come off the pill- reading mn you can assume everyone has problems getting pregnant and it will take you ages, its not true and you have age on your side

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 13/01/2019 18:41

Yes terrible idea!

FlipF · 13/01/2019 18:44

YABU - very, very, very unreasonable. If a partner did this to me I would be angry and very sad.

DianaBlythe · 13/01/2019 18:44

Agree with the above, unreasonable not to discuss it at all, that’s just plain not fair.

Potentially reasonable to say you’re thinking of coming off it in the next few months and how does he feel about you communicating that? You’re worried it will become a big deal and you want to try and keep things relaxed, how would he feel about you not saying exactly when you take the last one. And only OK to go ahead if he is in agreement.

HOWEVER if you are “100% not ready” and only 25, maybe don’t stop it at all!

BeanTownNancy · 13/01/2019 18:57

I sympathise - once I came off contraception my husband asked me immediately after every time we had sex "are you pregnant now?" Hmm He was just joking around, but after a while I had to snap at him to stop putting pressure on me - I felt like if I didn't get pregnant I'd be letting us both down.

Hard as it is though, it would YWBVU not to tell him.

sar302 · 13/01/2019 19:00

If you're not ready yet, definitely don't come off the pill. I did after we were married, thinking in my 30s it might take a while to conceive, so whilst I wasn't actually ready, I would be when we did. We got pregnant the first month!

tiggerkid · 13/01/2019 19:14

You need to tell him. Wanting a kid in theory is one thing. Knowing you are doing something that might actually result in a child is another! Also feelings change. Plans change. Everything can change. He has the right to know and contribute to a decision to father a child! It's not just about how you feel!

Wallsbangers · 13/01/2019 19:17

Or you could be an adult and talk to him.

Just reverse the sexes of partners in your head, swap pill for condom and then see if you still think it's a reasonable idea.

JennyHolzersGhost · 13/01/2019 19:21

If he’s not mature enough to get his head round the details of female conception, how is he going to be mature enough to cope when you’re giving birth ?

Whatever you do, don’t sugar coat this stuff. It won’t do him any favours.

TerriTummyTowels · 13/01/2019 20:55

I'm going to buck the trend here and say sure, do it. Why? Well only you know him and you seem sure he would be thrilled so why not let him get a pleasant surprise. It sounds like it'd be less stressful for you too.