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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To come off the pill without telling DP?

42 replies

MotherOfDragons90 · 13/01/2019 18:24

BEFORE I GET FLAMED: He is absolutely desperate to have a baby. I’ve said not this year - I’m 5 years younger than him (25) and not quite ready yet.

However I was thinking of coming off the pill later in the year/early next year but not mentioning it, just to see what happens. I’m worried that if I make a big deal out of starting to try he will get disappointed when it doesn’t happen each month and I’ll feel pressured. Whereas if I do manage to fall pregnant and tell him he’ll be over the moon.

It feels a bit sneaky though. Is this a really awful thing to do?

OP posts:

Bertiebitch32 · 13/01/2019 20:58

You say you are 100% not ready now? Why come off contraception if you sent ready? It's a bit silly. You will be f#cket if you fall pregnant straight away. Think very seriously before proceeding op

Pachyderm1 · 13/01/2019 21:22

You definitely need to tell him. This is too important a thing to leave any room for deception or doubt, however well intentioned.

Sparklesocks · 13/01/2019 21:30

If you aren’t comfortable talking about contraception with him then you’re not ready for a child with him.

SingaSong12 · 13/01/2019 21:32

Definitely discuss. He may still be very happy to become a father, but there might be another factor such as he’s heard that his employer isn’t doing well and may lay people off. If there is just the two of you he may not want to tell you as it might not happen, or not happen soon, but having DC if you’re unemployed and your partner is on maternity is different altogether.

mimibunz · 13/01/2019 21:33

Oh good grief! Really? You need a bunch of strangers on the internet to tell you what a bad idea this is? This is a life you’re talking about, not a flipping toy.

RayRayBidet · 13/01/2019 21:34

Wtaf? If you aren't ready why would you do that?
And as for months of disappointment, you know it could actually happen straight away.

AnnaBegins · 13/01/2019 21:39

Why don't you discuss with him coming off the pill for a few months before ttc to get your body ready and free of hormones? It's generally recommended especially if you've been on it a long time. Then there's no lying but no pressure.

TC07 · 13/01/2019 21:58

In the nicest possible way if you aren't ready then why would you do this?

Plus, if DP changes his mind he might not think to tell you since he will think you are on the pill anyway.

Only you know him though and will know his reaction. When DH and I started TTC it was exciting since we both knew about it and something we went through together.

IJustLostTheGame · 13/01/2019 22:01

Bad idea.
You will end up pregnant.
Unless you have both spoken about it and want a baby, in which case it's a good idea.

MashaBear1 · 13/01/2019 22:01

No I wouldn't do this. It's too big of a thing to surprise him with and could back fire on you

User123640872 · 13/01/2019 23:22

A man taking a condom off without the woman's knowledge (aka 'stealthing') is now classed as a form of sexual assault, so of course YABVU to do this the other way round

AtrociousCircumstance · 13/01/2019 23:26

Why would you do it if you’re not ready?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 13/01/2019 23:27

Terrible idea. You need to discuss maternity leave finances, how childcare will be arranged for when you go back to work (read all the sahm threads where the dp, not DH, just fucks off and the woman is financially screwed), school preferences, religious upbringing...

Aria2015 · 13/01/2019 23:33

My dh wanted me to just 'surprise' him but I couldn't do it. I needed to be 100% sure he was making an informed decision to try for a baby. I'm sure your dh would be delighted but on the off chance he wouldn't be - you should discuss any plans you have with him so they are mutual plans. Also it's nice to share in the experience and be able to talk about 'what if it happens this month' with someone. I'd find keeping that side to myself more stressful to be honest!

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 13/01/2019 23:47

A man taking a condom off without the woman's knowledge (aka 'stealthing') is now classed as a form of sexual assault, so of course YABVU to do this the other way round shock

Agreed. I came on here to say exactly this. It's completely indefensible.

OP, why on earth are you considering coming off the pill anyway when you are, by your own admission, "100% not ready" and you aren't even comfortable enough with your DP to have a grown up conversation about contraception. It sounds like a recipe for disaster to be honest.

MarthasGinYard · 13/01/2019 23:51

'he has a fundamental right to know there is no contraception in place.'

Exactly

TerriTummyTowels · 14/01/2019 00:26

A man taking a condom off without the woman's knowledge (aka 'stealthing') is now classed as a form of sexual assault, so of course YABVU to do this the other way round shock

Oh seriously, it's my body and I have the right to choose what to put into or take out of it without notifying anyone. Okay, ethically it's good to tell a partner about this stuff but morally there is no obligation if you believe in bodily autonomy.

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