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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To block this friend

52 replies

perfectlyspherical · 13/01/2019 10:56

This friend:

Won't take no for an answer when I tell her I'm not complying with her wishes; becomes insulting

Constantly communicating; 12-16 messages a day, all about her with maybe a quick interest expressed in how I am

Leaves me voice messages between 7-10 mins long and gets annoyed if I won't listen to them, despite me saying I don't have time and having repeatedly told her I hate voice mail communication and couldn't she just text.

Cuts off other friends when they dare to voice a criticism of her. I've never dared tell her they might have a point.

Everything is always someone else's fault. Never hers.

Has in the past insulted me via text after I spent a whole day ferrying her around in my car

I'm constantly the one doing everything; driving her around to appointments and on outings, lending her tons of money, talking her down from emotional crises, etc. I feel more like her mum than her friend and she's two years older than me!

Never seems sensitive to me when I'm going through stuff. When my brother was missing recently and I was flying halfway across Europe to find him she was still sending me whatsapp messages about her flipping hair and nails and I had to ask her to stop filling up my phone with her inane crap (not the exact words I used) and let me concentrate on communicating with my family during that family crisis. I just feel I shouldn't have had to even ask!

Also on a holiday I had by myself recently she was in constant communication. I never got a break from her! I had to ask her to give me space before Christmas as I had started a new job, was very tired from family crisis and struggling with the new commute. She gave me space for all of 24 hours then it was back to normal service rabbiting on about herself.

I feel bad blocking her as she does have mobility issues and has been going through a lot lately (problems with pests in her social housing, exacerbating her mental health issues to the point that she was suicidal over Christmas and I was trying to talk her down from ending her life over the phone.) Mentally she's a bit better now but the housing issue is ongoing and I get daily updates about that.

I just don't have the strength for this. I'm still struggling with my new job, and want to try for another job I've been offered but need to do a lot of interview prep. I'm also looking at buying a house so the brother who went missing (we got him back, thank the Lord!) can live with me while he gets back on his feet (he had a mental breakdown-long story!) I also volunteer with a couple other projects that take up my time, have to try and keep up with other friends and family and also have some time to myself. I was trying to eat better and work on my hobby that I love, but that's gone out the window, I don't have the bandwidth. I just don't have the bandwidth for my excessively needy, clingy, demanding friend either.

It's like I'm retreating from her, trying to shelter behind my boundary wall, but the more I retreat, the more she tries to push it down. I feel guilty blocking her but I just...idk. Aibu?

OP posts:

Rudgie47 · 13/01/2019 12:33

Just need to tell her that she needs professional help and that you just cant cope with her and that's shes way too much.
Tell her you need to end the friendship and you hope she can find someone who is more suitable and wish her all the best.

I wouldn't just ghost her because she might start turning up at your house etc. You need to tell her straight then block her.Then she has the opportunity to be a better friend next time.

daphine2004 · 13/01/2019 12:49

Not sure I you’re aware but you have a setting on your voicemail for when you go on holiday. I, like you, hate voicemails and never listen to them, so now have the holiday setting on indefinitely with the message “you’ve reached Daphine’s voicemail. Unfortunately you are unable to leave a message and if your call is urgent please email or text me and I’ll come back to you as soon as I can. Thank you.”

I’d maybe just take some time away from the friendship as she seems like hard work.

CatnissEverdene · 13/01/2019 12:51

I'm drained by her just reading your post, OP.

Slowly slowly back away, don't answer texts or calls, and move on with your life. Then in a few weeks, block her number. I wouldn't provoke her into a "crisis" which being honest no doubt will. People like her don't learn from others, it's only ever about them.

letsdolunch321 · 13/01/2019 12:56

Block, let her drain someone else.

Tistheseason17 · 13/01/2019 13:00

Hi OP - I think you first need to decide if you would want her as a friend even if she reduced the level of contact - it sounds to me that you wouldn't.

If you still want her as a friend then text her (I don't think she'd allow you to talk!)

If you don't - then send a text and block immediately.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2019 13:10

She's not a friend.

"Cuts off other friends when they dare to voice a criticism of her. I've never dared tell her they might have a point."
Tell her what a PITA she is. Then you won't have to block, she'll cut you off.

As well as being rid of her, I do think you should sit back and look over the whole of your life. You seem to be give, give, giving - maybe you should keep some of your emotional energy for yourself? You can't even "eat better and work on my hobby " - your who;le life-balance needs work, it's not just down to her! Although you do really need her to be out of your life.

Foxyscarf · 13/01/2019 13:11

Tell her your issues. Then block her.

Karwomannghia · 13/01/2019 13:15

She must have significant mh issues which I imagine makes you feel guilty but you do need to find a way of minimising her constant demands and intrusion into your life and think about your own mental health. Yes block or can you divert messsges until you’re ready to deal with them all in one go every few days? So as to avoid a big fall out

justilou1 · 13/01/2019 13:19

She sounds EXHAUSTING!!! Tell her first. She probably won’t listen, but you know you will have tried. Then block the hell out of her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/01/2019 13:23

No ywnbu to block her. She’s bringing nothing good to your life. I’m chronically ill and disabled. I’d never treat anyone like this. In fact I’m the complete opposite. I only really discuss how ill I actually am on here

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2019 13:30

She sounds very hard work, and a taker, does not sound like she gives anything in the friendship. I would distance myself and block.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2019 13:31

Just block her, you don't owe her anything, she sound like a mental drain whatever her issues may be.

Serialweightwatcher · 13/01/2019 13:31

Just send her this post and explain she's draining you and you can't stay as friends anymore

Magicpaintbrush · 13/01/2019 13:33

My MIL was exactly like this and I googled it suspecting it might be some kind of MH issue and something did come up that ticked all the boxes, though I'm afraid I can't now remember what it was. In a nutshell she would obsessively communicate with people, talk at the answer machine until it ran out of space, endless talk at you about herself without enquiring about the other person, would obsess over a person for months whom she felt angry towards and basically persecute them viciously with abusive phonecalls and hate mail, nothing was ever her fault, always hard done by - really really exhaustingly hard work. It was MH issues for certain, but she would never admit that or see a doctor about it. We had to go NC for a long time - sometimes that is the only way unfortunately.

Pachyderm1 · 13/01/2019 13:33

She sounds exhausting and you have enough on your plate. You’ve tried to tell her you need space and she hasn’t listened. YANBU to block.

Magicpaintbrush · 13/01/2019 13:34

She used to threaten suicide as well.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/01/2019 13:39

Op explained to her that she needed space, and she did not respect that, I would definitely block in these circumstances, she does not sound like she adds anything positive to your life. She is not much of a friend.

CoughLaughFart · 13/01/2019 13:49

If she’s regularly cutting off friends because they criticise her, maybe she should be asking herself whether the friends are the problem.

You could try explaining one last time, but she strikes me as the type who hears what she wants to hear. I fear you will end up on a long list of people who have supposedly wronged her, without even the tiniest acknowledgment that it might be her fault.

MichaelJustineDamian · 13/01/2019 13:56

"12-16 messages a day, all about her with maybe a quick interest expressed in how I am", " driving her around to appointments and on outings, lending her tons of money, talking her down from emotional crises".
I think we may have the same friend?
I'd ignore her if possible. I think that is better than blocking her. Just say something like you are having a bad time of it (don't say what) and don't reply any more. Keep pressing delete? Friends like this are fucking shit. Don't let her use you any more.

rytonsister · 13/01/2019 13:57

I would send a message saying you are not going to be able to respond to any messages or calls for the foreseeable, due to the amount you have going on at min .

Not sure I'd just block with no explanation at all and I don't think I could bring myself to be cruel and tell her what a pita she is...

frustratedashell · 13/01/2019 13:57

Good God! She's no friend. I would email or text her saying how you feel and that you want nothing more to do with her. Then block. She's behaved really badly. Treats you like her personal slave. Sod that!

StrawberryStarburst · 13/01/2019 13:57

That stressed me out just from reading the post OP!

I agree with PPs that I wouldn't just block her, I would have to have a chat or send a message or something explaining why, even if you block immediately after.

ReanimatedSGB · 13/01/2019 13:57

She sounds unwell, but also like someone who is not going to take any responsibility for her problems and will just move on to another mug when you block her.

Because you sound like you could do with some MH help as well. You're coming across as someone sliding into the role of mug and martyr - you seem to feel you have an obligation to care for other people all the time but not yourself. This makes you a target for needy people, users and scammers. Ditch this friend - tell her you no longer have the strength to deal with her and that she is not to contact you again - and see about getting a couple of counselling sessions for yourself so you can learn how to stand up for yourself a bit better.

robininbrum · 13/01/2019 13:58

Oh God, loads of us have had someone like this in our life at some time...

Nightmare.

Block, block, block.

And ghost.

If she hounds you at your home - don't let her in and tell her to fuck off. What have you got to lose? Just her! BONUS!

Good luck. Took me nearly 2 years to shake of someone like this about a decade ago... She mithered me and bothered me and whined and bitched and I kept her at arm's length for about 8-10 months, and ghosted and blocked her, and she STILL kept trying to contact me via other people.

A year and a HALF after she contacted me last, she sent a Christmas card. Sent a chill through me it did. I just instantly threw it on the fire!

Childsupport · 13/01/2019 14:08

I've had 3 friends like this. It is utterly exhausting.

Friend 1. Contsant texting and calls about any man she was seeing. Threats of suicide when they dumped her (for her outrageous behaviour). Excessive drinking. Up to 30 texts a day. She ended up having sex with my (then) husband, so that was that friendship over.

Friend 2. Huge binge drinker. Would have periods sober and wasn't a bad friend then, but then would drink all day every day, for months on end. I would have to step in and care for her DD as she was legless at school closing time. Contant texting. Turning up at my house at all hours and collapsing drunk. Hours of talking about her ishoos on the phone, when I should have been with my family. Conversations that would be forgotten the next day. She ended up accusing me of having an affair, with her very fat and unattractive husband, simply because I was in agreement with her that she couldn't look after her DD as she was so drunk. So, that friendship ended there.

Friend 3. Split with her DH and was living with Mum and Dad (in her 30's) and used my home as somewhere to "get away". Constant bitching about everything and everyone. Turning up at all hours. She attacked me on a night out, because a man she liked the look of, actually fancied me and not her. That's where that friendship ended.

Now, why the fuck didn't I take the reigns and end these friendships? Politeness? I just don't now, but I can tell you that I would never put myself through this again.

My life is so calm now, and there is no-one bombarding me with stupid messages, day and night. Oh, and despite the "suicide" talk, they are all still fine (I can see on FB). It was bullshit to elicit attention.

Honestly, you need to ditch this person. They are not your friend. If you had a crisis, they wouldn't be there to help you. They are sucking the life out of you. You're going to have to think of the greater good here and grow balls of steel, and just say "I'm so busy with my new job, that I'm not available for x/y/z". Withdraw.

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