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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be bored of husband's "jokes".

56 replies

Giraffender · 13/01/2019 10:45

I am a SAHM to two young children. I find it exhausting and while I know it's the best option practically and financially for us (as well as being better for the kids), I still miss the escape and mental stimulation (though not the impossible balancing act) of work.

My husband does understand this, but still makes a lot of jokes about "not knowing what I do all day" and how "glamourous" my lifestyle is. Yesterday, I had ten minutes of him teasing me about how I'd hidden the prosecco glasses before he came home after another SAHM had been over for a playdate with her son. We didn't drink prosecco - we drank tea and talked about her sister who has cancer in between trying to stop the kids from trashing the living room.

I know I should just grow a sense of humour, and I know he's never taken anything in life particularly seriously (irronically, it's one if the things I love about him) but honestly, the constant joshing makes me feel like he sees my life as one big hilarious cliché. I just wish he could occasionally find a way to give me some unprompted, genuine, sincere praise about what I do and how I'm raising the children. I've tried to make him understand that without work, I have little in my life to boost my self esteem so he needs to take a genuine interest sometimes rather than spinning everything into a quip, but it's like talking to a brick wall. He shrugs, tells me that's just how he is, reassures me I am OF COURSE doing a brilliant job of being a Mum and I have no reason to ever doubt that, and then... Just carries on like before.

This isn't the only thing he teases me about (by a long stretch) but it's the one that hurts the most. He's a good person, a great Dad and in no way abusive or deliberately unkind. Sometimes SAH motherhood IS hilarious in its absurdity or mundanity. But mostly it's just plain knackering and he can't seem to get that it's irritating for it to be made light of, or portrayed as some kind of "ladies who lunch" style jolly (when he knows full well it's not). AIBU here?

OP posts:

Hotterthanahotthing · 13/01/2019 16:00

My husband used to do this but when I want back to work part time he decided he wanted to one of the days with her and the childminder the other two.He never joked again even though he wasn't also cleaning and shopping.
Maybe suggest a restful, glamorous weekend for him,you go off for a weekend without the children.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 16:08

It's not a joke, that's actually what he thinks. I suspect you know that. And that's why it bothers you.

Why is it an impossible task to juggle working and kids? 80 percent of mothers do it. If staying home isn't for you, why not go back to work? Your children have two parents, and the two of you need to juggle.

staffiegirl · 13/01/2019 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dimsumlosesum · 13/01/2019 16:15

There's a working mother at school that did this to me. She now doesn't speak to me at all after finding out I'm nothing but a sahm- I'm just beneath her notice. My husband also felt the same a bit with our first born- swiftly changed his time when he had to look after our son and baby daughter for a couple of days on his own when I had a funeral to go to. Tell him to look after them on his own for a few days - it'll soon change his tune.

Dimsumlosesum · 13/01/2019 16:16

*tune

Coyoacan · 13/01/2019 16:16

No opinion about the tasteless joke, but I do think you should reconsider going back to work. I'm all in favour of SAHPs, but only if it works for them. My mother was a SAHM to my sister and a working mum to me. My sister has really unhappy memories of her childhood as mum was always depressed, whereas I really enjoyed my mum.

RoboticSealpup · 13/01/2019 16:20

Why is it an impossible task to juggle working and kids? 80 percent of mothers do it.

Yeah and most of them probably find it an impossible task to do both well. I know I do and I only work 4 days a week.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 16:24

Yeah and most of them probably find it an impossible task to do both well

I'm sorry you're struggling, as much as I found it hard at times, all the options have their difficulties I did both well and felt I was.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 16:25

And I'm sorry but you'd never see a man post that either.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2019 16:31

"Stop" hand up in a talk to the hand gesture and walk offevery single time.

Motoko · 13/01/2019 16:35

And I'm sorry but you'd never see a man post that either.

No, you wouldn't. But that's because a lot of them don't think running the household, and sorting out the childcare, is their job, so why would they even think about it, let alone worry that they're not doing either well.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/01/2019 16:52

"He shrugs, tells me that's just how he is"
How dismissive of him. He might as well respond with 'Me pretending I'm witty is far more important than your self-esteem'.

So I'd be telling him 'No, that's not JUST how you are. That's how you are CHOOSING to be. And I am telling you that it is not good enough. Shape up and stop demeaning me. It stops NOW, before I lose all respect for you.' Make him uncomfortable. Make him feel bad about his behaviour. Make it memorable.

Do not let him dismiss this as joking. As others have pointed out, a joke is where the other person laughs. He is not joking. You have told him it is hurtful, and he has continued to behave this way. That's unacceptable.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/01/2019 16:59

most of them probably find it an impossible task to do both well. I know I do and I only work 4 days a week
Well it isn't impossible is it because you and thousands upon thousands of other parents do too.

AgentJohnson · 13/01/2019 17:05

This is how he feels deep down but he’s not mature enough to say so, instead he’s chosen cowardly mind fuckery. Tell him he’s not being funny but PA and your not in the market for it. He either discusses hi issues like a grown up or STFU.

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 17:10

Well it isn't impossible is it because you and thousands upon thousands of other parents do too

Yes and do it well.

But that's because a lot of them don't think running the household, and sorting out the childcare, is their job, so why would they even think about it, let alone worry that they're not doing either well

Then these aren't the men to procreate with are they? The men I know do their share and my husband did it equally. If someone has a child with some man who thinks this way they then they have bigger problems at hand.

YouokHun · 13/01/2019 17:16

I think you need to go away for the weekend, (preferably a long one - he need 3 nights in a row of domestic ‘bliss’) and leave him charge of his children with a list of jobs that must be done alongside the childcare (so not a weekend of holding the fort while ignoring the washing, bins, ironing, tidying etc). I suggest alongside the household tasks he should do the weekly shop with two small children in tow and that he plans and cooks all meals for them. You already know what it’s like to be in paid employment but I think your DH needs to get up to speed with the realities of what you do. Time out is good for everyone anyway! When you get home you can crack a few jokes about his time off/easy weekend.

startrek90 · 13/01/2019 17:26

I had this. It really really hurts and I have a fairly robust sense of humour. What stopped dh was when I got really ill with meningitis and was hospitalised for weeks leaving him to care for our 2 and 1 year old. He lasted a day before going to his mum and begging for help. Thankfully my MiL is ace and pointed out that I manage without help and support for months at a time when he works away and I never ask for help. His dad told him to learn from it and start appreciating me. I haven't heard a joke since.

Now, I won't recommend that you get sick but I do suggest leaving him with the children for at least a couple of days. Oh! And don't be tempted to prepare anything (food, clothes etc) either otherwise that defeats the point. Try and also contact anyone he might call for help and let them know what you are doing. Sometimes drastic actions are required to cause an attitude shift.

masterandmargarita · 13/01/2019 17:37

So her response to wanky dh who doesn't respect her being a sahm is to get a job?! How about he sorts out his nasty resentful streak and start appreciating her for what she's doing?

Bluntness100 · 13/01/2019 17:41

No thr suggestiin to get a job is because she is exhausted and misses the escape and mental stimulation, using her words, of work.

Her husband needs to pull his weight In managing the kids and home. If it's not impossible for him to work, it shouldn't be for her.

masterandmargarita · 13/01/2019 18:04

If its the best practical and financial solution for their current situation then he should 100% support her in her work especially as she's finding it hard

LannieDuck · 13/01/2019 18:46

He's joking about it because he really does think you get to stay home all day putting your feet up. He's using humour to take a dig at you in a way you can't get angry about.

...and the only reason he's doing it is because he doesn't know how hard it is. How often have you left him in sole charge of the kids, and for how long?

ForalltheSaints · 13/01/2019 18:52

Jokes have a limited lifespan and the ones you describe are going mouldy.

Original poster

Giraffender · 13/01/2019 21:03

Thanks everyone. Glad it's not just me. DH comes from a family that only discusses emotions in the most basic of terms ("oh how sad" sort of a thing, then move on), so yes, humour is definitely a way to avoid having to talk about feelings he just doesn't have the vocabulary for. He's also a very laid back, even keel sort of a guy, and rarely gets upset or offended himself - so I think he struggles to see why others might sometimes.

I do definitely need to be more direct in telling him I don't find his jokes funny, I actually find them hurtful. I find it hard though as I feel I moan a lot as it is (he jokes, but to his credit, very rarely complains about me or my behaviour directly). I am always mortified if I ever upset someone, and I find it difficult to remember he's not like me, and isn't going to dwell on what I say for days on end. He doesn't set out to upset me - he says as much and I think that's the problem. He genuinely thinks he's being amusing, and wants to make me laugh. He does madly backpeddle sometimes when he looks at my face and realises he's gone too far. But not always. I just wish he'd check himself before the joke is made. I think it's a bad habit as much as anything, but it still makes me feel belittled, and I'm fairly sure betrays a small, probably unconscious belief that he is superior for being the big-bucks earning breadwinner.

And as for whether he believes what he's saying - he would argue that he 100% DOES NOT believe I sit around drinking prosecco all day, and that's precisely why it's funny. I work very hard, and he knows it, so it's amusing to imagine me being some kind of fizz-guzzling layabout, as it's precisely the opposite of what I do. I'm not sure I follow the logic, but it seems to make sense to him in his mind. . As you all say though, he does go a bit quiet if I start cracking jokes about him running up bar bills on the company expenses. I may play on this more.

And I WILL be going back to work. I worked in the public sector (reasonably senior, but it paid a pittance) which is why I gave up after DD2 - the job was madly stressful, lots of being on call (difficult with kids and a travelling husband), and financially I would have been taking home about £100 a year for the privilege once childcare costs and commuting were factored in. DH meanwhile earnt four times as much as I did, so there was never any question of him taking on any childcare really. We couldn't have paid the mortgage. Once free childcare hours kick in when my DD2 is three though, I will be back. Just hope I can survive the hilarity of the endless jokes until then... .

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 13/01/2019 21:19

Just a quiet 'that's really disrespectful ' every time he makes a stupid joke. No argument, no other reaction. He'll soon stop.

LannieDuck · 13/01/2019 22:22

he would argue that he 100% DOES NOT believe I sit around drinking prosecco all day, and that's precisely why it's funny

Plausible deniability.

He does it because it's a way he can express how he feels without having to say so. Otherwise why would he do it? It's not funny, which he knows because you've told him repeatedly. So why continue if it's not true?

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