Pick Up time

[Bumble1830]

So, My EXP, DS10 dad, sees his son relatively regularly, sometimes every other weekend, sometimes it will after about 5 weeks, Anyway, he has changed jobs which means he cant pick DS up till 8pm, he lives just over an hour away, so wouldnt be getting home till around 9.15pm depending on traffic..think M6! Ive said no for overnight this week, but to collect this morning at 10am, which EXP did, after a lot of ranting and moaning. AIBU to suggest this? Is 9.15pm too late to be getting home, then having to settle etc before bed?

What settling does a boy of 10 need?

I think a 10 year old on a Friday night is not going to come to harm for this. I'd be more concerned about the irregularity of contact.

I suppose it depends on the 10 year old but it wouldn't be a problem for me. I mean if he is working and it's the earliest he can do and means they get a proper day together the next day?

I'd try it and see how it goes one weekend, if it doesn't work then you can go back to morning pick ups.

10 yr old, not a school night, not even that regularly, once a fortnight at most. I wouldn't have a problem with a 9.30ish bedtime in those circumstances.

It's not fair to deprive your ExH or your DS of an extra night of contact for the sake of a later bed time .
He won't come to any harm on a Friday night going to bed after 9.30 .
They can have an extra hour chatting in the car , driving

Your DH has changed jobs so the timing is out of his control really , he'll be making a 2 hour return journey after his work.

YABU , yes

I don't mean settling as in tucked up in bed, and read a story to, I mean just chilling before bed, Like I would if Id come in late from somewhere, I couldn't go straight to bed and sleep.

As for irregular contact....don't get me started on that, EXP has a "very important retail managers role" and cant possibly finish at a different time, or even work a didn't shift to be able to see his DS.

Although i'm sure doesnt make a difference, Its a Saturday over night contact

It's only 9pm on a Friday so no school the next day. If he picked him up at 6 and got home at 7 he might still not go to bed until after that, you are being unreasonable

Yabu your ds is 10! 9m15 isn't very late on a Friday night. I have a 10 year old DS and it wouldn't cross my mind to refuse a sleepover with his dad because he wouldn't get home until 9.15. Think your judgement may be a bit clouded by resentment.

70isaLimitNotaTarget But shouldn't non-residential parents be the same as residential parents and find a job that fits around their children? This is why the routine of contact is what it is/was, because exp worked weekends, and would see ds when he wasnt, sometimes it was every other weekends for a few weeks, then he wold have to work every weekend (7 days a week if you believed what he said) for about 5/6 weeks. 1 weekend off, then 5/6 weeks again.

But shouldn't non-residential parents be the same as residential parents and find a job that fits around their children

Oh , yes it is that easy

Why did he change his job? More money, better conditions, better pension, better career prospects, jump before you're pushed.

Or "how can I piss off my Ex Wife. Oh , I know ......."

@70isaLimitNotaTarget I don't think for a second he got a new job to piss me off, and tbh, I have no idea why he did, all I'm trying to say is when looking for work, should'nt the impact on contact with your child being taken into consideration?

9.15 isn't too late on a Saturday night for a 10 year old. It isn't even every weekend.

Does a 10 year old really need settling on a night when he doesn't even have school in the morning?

I didn’t know 10 year olds still had a story at bedtime unless you mean reading it himself ??

I think 9:30 to bed is fine for a 10 year old on a Friday night. That way he can wake up at his dad's house rather than starting the day mid morning.

Weekend bed time for that time is absolutely fine, but definitely not school nights. TBH, you’ll be lucky if your ex does anything to fit round his DCs. DCs always have to fit round them. My ex changed jobs which meant difficult to fit access times in. But apparently more money etc etc would improve the DCs quality of life, so would benefit long term. No increase in maintenance or quality time spent with DCs, so still waiting for the ‘benefit’ promised.

I'm afraid I do think you're being a bit unreasonable- it's not a terribly late bedtime, and they get to have the whole of Saturday together, not wasted with the travel time. I think this is one of the battles you shouldn't pick to fight- being flakey about the regular contact would be a better one.

I am with the majority here at 10 I wouldn’t call that particularly late

Dd is 10 and usually goes to bed at 8/8.30pm but Friday nights she gets to stay up late (10pm ish) to watch a film. I think you're being a bit precious, especially as it's not even once a week. Relationship with Dad is more important imo.

@SD1978 I agree what you're saying about irregular contact, but what can I do? I cant force/insist that exp see's his son more often. If he says he is busy and cant have contact then Ive got to go along with it. I wish he did have him more often, more free weekends for me

Why did he change his job? More money, better conditions, better pension, better career prospects, jump before you're pushed

As PWC, I have had to change my job to less money, no career prospects to be able to manage the reality of single parenting. I really do ‘t understand why my ex can forge ahead, expect me to change contact times /days to suit him? How is that reasonable? He has contact time and should stick to it and if wanting to change things, discuss with me how we would make it work for the sake of the children prior to making those changes.

Our Scout group - aged 10.5 to 14 - used to finish at 9pm on a Friday night so I really don't think it's that unreasonable. Realistically it means he'll probably be in bed around 10pm as they probably want to have a snack / matter when he arrives but waking up at his dad's is probably nicer and better for their relationship (also gives his dad the chance to do some of the boring parenting, getting breakfast / co ercing into the shower etc)

Agree to an extent about the working hours of NRP but if you were together presumably you'd be relaxing at home until 7 or 8 when dad would arrive home (not needing to do a long journey in either direction). Obviously if either of you are planning to change your working hours then it ideally needs careful discussion if the co-parenting is going to be successful (I think presenting it as a fait accompli is a bit ureasonable of XP) but it sounds like XP is trying to cause as little disruption as possible.

I think if the interests of the children are what's most important parents need to be flexible to accommodate each other's working requirements. 9.15pm is not unreasonable, they can have a chat in the car and start the Saturday together.

You sound a little resentful OP - watch that that doesn't get in the way of allowing the children quality time with their father. Sure his job sounds tricky, but don't use that as a rod to beat him with. My XH was always reliable about his parenting but did go away at least 3 months of the year (not in one block). This could mean 3 weeks where he didn't see them. He would then want to see them more on his return. I always accommodated that as it's important not to get in the way of a loving relationship with their Dad. When they get to around 15/16 they make up their own minds anyway.