Relocation, Relocation, Relocation

[Feelingthepressure37]

Dear All,

My DP would like to relocate to the other end of the country and I'm looking for some impartial advice.

My OH has many valid points of view for making the move.
We would be surround by his family who would be of great support for our young family.
We would be able to afford a much bigger family home, possibly without selling our properties in the SE.
It is likely we would be mortgage free, or very near it.
We would have the option of working less allowing more time as a family or working just as much and saving for a very stable future. Keeping our properties in SE would of course give a substantial rental income.
If staying in our current professions, our salaries would likely only be slightly affected.
As we would be near family, there would be no or only limited child care costs.

We have two children under 3 and the last couple years have been hard, not just on me but on our relationship. It's been difficult without family around, without a proper support network. Money has been tight, one income, OH does long hours at work and we have little disposable income due to very high childcare costs, it has taken its toll. We have out grown our home but are not in a position to move due to property prices in SE.

Although we dont have much family in the SE, I worry about leaving my Mum. We aren't hugely close but she loves the children and has no one else.

I love my job and have worked hard to get to where I am in my career, will I be able to get a job in my chosen profession in as good a working environment?

Would the benefits of a relaxed lifestyle, DP's family, and new prospects outweigh leaving my friends, leaving my Mum and leaving a job that I love?

Am I being selfish not entertaining the idea? I worry what is best for my children however I worry what is best for me and my feelings. Would I fit in to the new life? Moving from the SE England to North Scotland is quite a change, would it be right for me?

I really feel I need the opinions of impartial outsiders in this matter and would be grateful for anything you can offer, especially from those that have already done such a move.

Apologies as I have posted this in another thread but wasn't sure where to get best feedback.

I moved somewhere remote and hate it. Stuck now. Lack of job opportunity and lonely and bored.

If you do it, keep your options open by not selling your house in the SE. Rent in Scotland and see how it pans out.
I wouldn't move in the assumption that family will provide free childcare - no matter what they say now, circumstances and minds change, so you could still find yourself needing paid help. If your oh does shifts at unsociable hours, will childcare to cover this be available in this part of Scotland?
Another thing to consider is that if the relationship goes tits up, will your oh stop you moving the kids back to the SE. Will you be stuck there, with him making the case (to court potentially) that you would be moving them away from family?

Make several visits or a couple of long ones. Rent somewhere for a long holiday. Get a feel of the place and how relationships would be. How easily do you make friends? Is it just pil or are there siblings up there?
Talk to dh family and your mum (long way to visit, nobody getting any younger) about expectations, they may be busy and not want to be your childcare.
Sell your properties and use the capital to improve your situation where you are?

It doesn’t need to be either SE England or northern Scotland. A third option is to relocate somewhere cheaper, but where your job prospects are still good and where you have the culture and amenities you’re used to. There are plenty of parts of England where you can get the balance you want...lower costs so your work life balance is better, but not being so remote that you’re jeopardising your career prospects etc

I wouldn't. You have got through the hardest part of the baby years. The DC will be in school before you know it and it will get easier. You mention the strain that has been on your relationship. What if you split up in a couple of years? You will be stuck living in Scotland with no friends or family around you.

How well do you get on with DH’s family? Would your Mum consider moving with you?

It doesn’t need to be either SE England or northern Scotland. A third option is to relocate somewhere cheaper, but where your job prospects are still good and where you have the culture and amenities you’re used to.

Yes, but the point of the Scotland move is to be close to family.

The benefits sound fantastic.
You have missed out that Scottish students do not have to pay tuition at university north of the border. (Not sure how we become 'Scottish' - forgive my ignorance) Definitely worth thinking about!
Ultimately, you are not responsible for your DMum, she can always come and visit or even move closer herself. You did say you are not that close, though!
Can you get back to where you were in your career? Well, is it a SE-only industry?
I'm half way - NW, on edges of city. I would JUMP at this opportunity!
I fully understand your reservations, not everyone is comfortable with reducing pace of living. I take it you will have visited your DHs family and the area in question?

I get that. But the OP is clearly having reservations about being somewhere so remote, while at the same time feeling the strain of the costs of living in the South East. There is a middle ground here... move somewhere that gives them a better quality of life without the downsides of being so remote

I think I’d be inclined to try it, contingent on you having a decent job before you move and an agreement you will keep your current house and return if it doesn’t work out. If your mum doesn’t have much in her life except the kids, might she be prepared to move if you settle in Scotland?

You could use some of your surplus money to fly your mother up, and fly down frequently to see your friends.
However
Would you resent your in-laws when they are much more involved in your life. Would you hate being remote?

As a pp said - you’ve gone through the hard years. Life will get much easier now your children are older.

Can you rent first and try it out?

I think the critical thing is where in Northern Scotland as others have said Aberdeen/Inverness fine, but remote areas you need to consider how different it will be.
I have family in the most Northern part of Scotland I love visiting, but I could not live there too remote, the nearest supermarket which is barely more than a Tesco express is a long drive away. There are very few facilities, health care is much poorer as high quality regional centres are a long way away, opportunities for young people are few and far between. Sadly drugs are rife more so than in the south east. School whilst small and nurturing can't offer the range of options and often struggle to get teachers as do hospitals struggle to get doctors.

I've lived in Aberdeen, and know the bits North of it to a "reasonable" extent.

It would be a massive change!!!!
And just how much depends on exactly where. Aberdeen and environs - okay, although challenging weather (and I know people who did it for a while and hated it).
Inverness might be do able, but the further North you get after that the more remote it gets. Which is great if that is your thing.

What add to all this is that you already feel stressed in your relationship.
Moving somewhere remote often seems like a solution but could well amplify your problems. His family could relieve stress or create more. And whatever problems you have now you will take with you. With the added issue of you shelving your career which could possibly lead to resentment on your part.

Do not allow yourself to be bullied into this. No your reservations are not unreasonable.
Get some couple counselling before making any big changes (and maybe read more about people who make big moves - its likely to get worse before it gets better).

I live very happily in the north of Scotland, and I was daydreaming about moving to London the other day! In all seriousness, I'd be wary of relocating in these circumstances. Why does your DH think that moving to be near his family trumps you staying close to your mum?

PP make a good point about remoteness. You need to think very carefully about that element of it. The first village I lived in had a tiny corner shop and a pub - that was it. The nearest supermarket was 30 miles away. There were 4 busses a day! The cinema was a very rare treat as it was a 2 hour drive to get to it.

A wonderful part of the world, lovely people and very safe, scenic and fantastic for kids to grow up in, but having to drive for absolutely everything soon becomes a complete bore. And don't forget when the kids get older they'll have activities and parties and want to socialise with friends - all of which will likely involve having to drive them.