Relocation, Relocation, Relocation

[Feelingthepressure37]

Dear All,

My DP would like to relocate to the other end of the country and I'm looking for some impartial advice.

My OH has many valid points of view for making the move.
We would be surround by his family who would be of great support for our young family.
We would be able to afford a much bigger family home, possibly without selling our properties in the SE.
It is likely we would be mortgage free, or very near it.
We would have the option of working less allowing more time as a family or working just as much and saving for a very stable future. Keeping our properties in SE would of course give a substantial rental income.
If staying in our current professions, our salaries would likely only be slightly affected.
As we would be near family, there would be no or only limited child care costs.

We have two children under 3 and the last couple years have been hard, not just on me but on our relationship. It's been difficult without family around, without a proper support network. Money has been tight, one income, OH does long hours at work and we have little disposable income due to very high childcare costs, it has taken its toll. We have out grown our home but are not in a position to move due to property prices in SE.

Although we dont have much family in the SE, I worry about leaving my Mum. We aren't hugely close but she loves the children and has no one else.

I love my job and have worked hard to get to where I am in my career, will I be able to get a job in my chosen profession in as good a working environment?

Would the benefits of a relaxed lifestyle, DP's family, and new prospects outweigh leaving my friends, leaving my Mum and leaving a job that I love?

Am I being selfish not entertaining the idea? I worry what is best for my children however I worry what is best for me and my feelings. Would I fit in to the new life? Moving from the SE England to North Scotland is quite a change, would it be right for me?

I really feel I need the opinions of impartial outsiders in this matter and would be grateful for anything you can offer, especially from those that have already done such a move.

Apologies as I have posted this in another thread but wasn't sure where to get best feedback.

I wouldn’t want to despite some of the possible advantages. Do you really want to rely on his family for all or most of your childcare for such young dc? There is a lot of scope for that to lead to issues.

I would also just miss all of the facilities of the SE compared to Northern Scotland. I’m not saying it’s not lovely but so entirely different. If it was a long held dream of yours maybe, but it’s not.

I would look for another solution or try it for a year before committing further.

What are you waiting for it sounds fantastic. I'd definitely go and live there if I was younger.
Your mother could come also if necessary.

Can your mum go with you? Might of course be a crazy idea as she might not want to leave her friends.

I wouldn’t go, holidays yes but not away from my Mum & job if I didn’t want to.

North Scotland is nowhere near the same as even South Scotland let alone SE England. In fact it’s like a totally foreign country sometimes (I know people who have travelled the world and said the move from London to North Scotland required more cultural adjustment than London to Mumbai!). I strongly suggest not moving until you trial it out in the dead of winter. That’s the litmus test.

Where are you moving from and to? Brighton to Glasgow - i could consider. London to Fort William - no way! I’ve lived in the borders and I love the highland. But Im a Londoner through and through - if you’re a city person then the north of Scotland is unlikely to satisfy. Even Glasgow and Edinburgh seem very small and villagey to me.

Doesn't sound like you want to go.

An already struggling relationship. This move probably won't make it improve.

However, North Scotland v SE England. I'd take North Scotland every time.

If you have more than one property in the south east can you consolidate for a larger one?

I live in southern Scotland and it's entirely different to northern Scotland. It would depend how far north you're talking too. Aberdeen could be ok but Wick would be very cut off particularly in the winter.

What do you like to spend your time doing? Are you a coats on and get outside whatever the weather family? Do you like walking, cycling, windy beaches etc?

Or do you enjoy good shops, restaurants and lots of mild weather?

Obvs a huge over simplification but no point having lots more family time if there’s no way you enjoy spending it...

Also depends where in ‘north Scotland’ you mean. There’s a world of difference between, for example, rural Caithness and Inverness.

If it’s Aberdeen I’d go. If it’s cape wrath probably not. So it does depend I think on the whole proposition. I’d hate personally to live up a single track road with no pavements. But I love Aberdeen, and Inverness. Aberdeen is very cosmopolitan believe it or not.

Money has been tight, one income, OH does long hours at work and we have little disposable income due to very high childcare costs, it has taken its toll

I'm really confused as to why you have high childcare costs but only one income?

I’d also be wary of what kind of life your dh is expecting. Is he trying to recreate his childhood? What were the gender roles? To put it bluntly, does he expect you to turn into his mum?

Your kids are still tiny and you’re in the most expensive, hands on phase.

I lived in North Scotland and loved it, but as someone else said you need to try a winter. The cold and dark is long and seems to last a lifetime... That said I'd still go back

As you plan on keeping your current property could you not try it out on the condition that if it doesn't work after a year that you could come back? I know you wouldn't be going back to the same job but you would be coming back to your friends and Mum.

I've done both Scotland and London so the specifics are really important- as others have said said London to Elgin is a totally different to say Canterbury to Glasgow.

I think it's a family discussion and that should include your Mum. Is she really on her own? And would she move?

Fundamentally it sounds like you don't want to go - so the other question you need to ask is do you really want to be with your partner and if there's any doubt - what's plan B if you split? Could you - would you move back to the SE or would you be 'stuck' in Scotland?

I would not go. You'd be too isolated. Stay with what you know and where you personally have financial independence and support.

I think OP is saying she can’t currently afford to work due to childcare costs but could if they moved.

Still not worth it for me.

If you were my daughter, I would tell you to go. There are ways of keeping in touch on a daily basis. My mum who is 84 keeps in touch with her granddaughter who lives in another country, using FaceTime and messenger. You only have one life and you don’t want to be in a position of “if only” years down the line. Investigate job opportunities for both of you and go and give it a go. Rent your existing property out for say 18 months so you can always come back.

No I would not do this.

Your relationship is already in trouble. It sounds like Dh wants to "do a geographic" hoping the problems will all be miraculously solved, and hey, guess what, if they aren't, you will be living close to all his family.

If your relationship was solid then I might be more inclined to think it was a good idea, but in these circumstances I would stick where I am.

Do you visit Scotland regularly? Can you see yourself living there?

Also, as PP have said, how do you have one income and high childcare costs?

I would be surprised if both of you would genuinely earn the same up there as you do in SE, unless it's something digital...I would double check this.

Loving your job is a HUGE lifestyle benefit that I would be reluctant to give up unless I had to.

Good luck

your mother could fly up cheaper than driving or train in advance,
first if you can keep house in SE cold you rent in Inverness for a year

Nairn is a market town is about 20 miles 20-30 minutes from Inverness it is only 15 minutes to inverness airport ( outside cities most distances take the number of miles plus about 10 minutes max) my work was 19 miles away and took 25-30 minutes to get there for 9am, this part of the coast has best weather in Scotland it is sunny and milder than inland, Nairn has a fantastic beach
Fort william is the wettest place in Scotland it rains on 70% of days rainfall 2800mm per year SE is about 700mm so roughly 4 times wetter Nairn is about 1000mm don't go to west coast unless you love rain
on the coast is warmer but you don't have to go far inland for it to be significantly colder
Scotland is better for outdoors life, SE is better for culture
we live north of glasgow today daylight is about 8.30-4pm bright from 9-3pm
most kids just go to local school and nursery if you are remote childcare is difficult

It sounds like your life in the SE is miserable and not sustainable long term. Why the North East of Scotland though? Apart from DH family, is there any other reason to move quite so far away?

Depends where in Scotland - "North Scotland" could be anything from Aberdeen to one of the Isles that's only accessible via flight or ferry!

I've lived in the SE and also in various parts of Scotland. What it's like depends on the location, in the same way that London and Newcastle are both in England but are very different places.

One thing I will say is that smaller towns and communities are very close knit and integrating as a 'Southener' can sometimes be tricky. You need to be completed committed to making it work - it probably took me about 4-5 years to feel at home there. It is a wonderful place though and I would move back up again without hesitation.

Sounds like the downsides outweigh any potential advantages...

First of all you love your job, have worked hard to get where you are and worry you may not be able to get such a good job in northern Scotland. Seems a reasonable concern to me... the jobs market is going to be very different from the south of England.

Secondly, you are assuming that because your dh has family on the doorstep, you’ll have little or no childcare costs. However, you’ve no way of knowing whether his relatives are going to be able to provide the kind of care you want. Relying on family for freebies can be fraught with difficulties.

Northern Scotland is a hell of a way from England, and it’s going to mean trips back are expensive (either flying or spending loads on train/ petrol) Realistically are you going to be content to create a totally new life where you won’t have the amenities you currently have on hand?

Finally, you’re at the hardest stage with young kids and expensive childcare. It does get easier- and a lot cheaper! If you’re thinking of this decision purely from the point of view of saving some money in the short term, then it’s probably not a wise one.