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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To contact half brothers who don’t know about me

31 replies

luc2011 · 13/01/2019 08:55

Long story - I was adopted and in my twenties traced my birth mother. We saw a lot of each other in the first few months of meeting - she had no support at eighteen when she fell pregnant and my dad returned to his home country before she could tell him she was pregnant. She met her now husband a few years after she gave me up told him about me showed him photos of me he said I was a beautiful child and they never spoke again about me. They went on to have three boys who are now all late twenties early thirties. Over the years she made it quite clear she would never tell her husband and boys about me although her husband knew about my existence so it strained our relationship somewhAt and she stopped making efforts to meet me due to lack of transport, money even when I’d always offer to drive to her home place and meet so I haven’t seen her now in about 5 years or so just the odd text in birthdays. I’ve accepted that she’s not interest through counseling! However I have been thinking of her sons, my half brothers so much lately and not sure would it be an awful thing to contact them as I would love to meet them - as I said they don’t know of my existence - I can see them on Social Media and have even walked by one of them or should I leave well alone?

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 13/01/2019 09:10

Your birth mother has made it clear by distancing her self, that you have little or no place in her life today. Unless she has subsequently died, what is your reasoning for contacting HER family and announcing yourself? Any contact would be for your benefit, not theirs, and would upset their equilibrium.

You wont have anything in common with these people, all you really want is a window to your birth mothers life and see what might have been. Leave well alone, you wont get any happiness from it when they all take a step back from you

HisBetterHalf · 13/01/2019 09:21

They have a right to know they have a half sister. Whether they choose to have a relationship is up to them.

Satonloo · 13/01/2019 09:25

It is as much the op's family as it it the Mother's. I personally would try to contact them.
It is not her secret to keep. Good Luck!

Balaboosteh · 13/01/2019 09:28

I think you need to go very carefully here and ask yourself what it is that you want from this situation. Given that your birth mother has distanced herself, and your half brothers don’t know of your existence, and their father is unsympathetic - what will you achieve from contacting them? It’s very unlikely to end in a happy families scenario, in all likelihood, don’t you think? You may well find nothing but hostility, very sadly.

vdbfamily · 13/01/2019 09:29

Plainspeaking....that is very presumtuous. Why would you not want to know a half sibling if they appeared? I personally would absolutely want to know them. I might also want to reassure my mother that she had nothing to be ashamed of.
If OP is prepared for whatever the outcome might be, I personally do not think a mother has the right to stop siblings(now adult) chosing whether to have contact.
There is a lot more of this happening now that Ancestry sites are DNA matching. We have friends who have discovered a cousin who was adopted at birth and has found an extended family he never knew about! Maybe get yourself on a DNA database and if any of your birth family get tested, you will come up as a match!

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 13/01/2019 09:30

This will turn their whole world upside down.

You need to think very carefully about it.

You also should be prepared that they may want nothing yo do with you.

If you decide to go ahead I would get a third party involved to make the initial contact and do it in such a way that they get time to themselves to think before responding, so by letter or message.

Racecardriver · 13/01/2019 09:31

If I were in their position I wouldn’t want to know to be honest.

FEF1102 · 13/01/2019 09:32

They should have a right to know they have a sister and have the opportunity to build a relationship with you if they so wish. I speak as 'the sister' of an adopted sister. My sister was adopted when it was expected of unmarried mothers to give up their child and significant pressure was put on my mum to do so. My sister contacted my mum when I was older. We had no prior knowledge of her until she contacted my mum. I would've been upset if my mum had kept that information from me when she had had the initial contact. It was important to me to build a relationship with my sister and although I don't see her as a sibling, more of a friend, I am thankful I have that opportunity to know her and share in her life.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 13/01/2019 09:32

Unless she has subsequently died, what is your reasoning for contacting HER family and announcing yourself? Any contact would be for your benefit, not theirs, and would upset their equilibrium.
Ignore this. Put yourself first. It might not end the best but then it may turn out to be the best choice you've ever made.

MatildaTheCat · 13/01/2019 09:33

Be very careful. Have you discussed this with your counsellor? Unfortunately it’s hard to see things going well and your birth mother would never forgive you.

It’s very sad that she’s stopped contact and refused to acknowledge you to her family but sadly it may be best left there.

FEF1102 · 13/01/2019 09:37

It did not turn my whole world upside down either. It was an initial shock to learn of her as I had no idea before. But then it was excitement of who is she? Does she look like me? Do I have any nieces or nephews? It really wasn't traumatic or anything of the kind to learn I had a sibling.

GySgtHartman · 13/01/2019 09:37

what is your reasoning for contacting HER family and announcing yourself?

Because they are her family too.

I'm in the process of trying to find my biological father and he may have children of his own. While I wouldn't turn up on their door I would still try to make contact.

howrudeforme · 13/01/2019 09:44

You might want to first approach an agency who can advise and support you. I believe the Samaritans have a department that do this and are experienced in all the potential outcomes.

I say this as you may find your contact isn’t welcome and that would be painful.

Owlcapone · 13/01/2019 09:44

Put yourself first

No! You need to think about what damage you might do to their family. Don't be selfish.

I say this from the other side of being in the birth family of an adopted child. Slightly different as we all knew about this person. It could have gone well but the person forced their own personal agenda ahead of what would have worked for the whole family.

Quarepants · 13/01/2019 09:47

My dh is adopted and his birth mother wants nothing to do with him. He is 50 and has been in contact (one sided mostly) with her for 15 years. His adoptive parents are dead so there is not the excuse of hurting them. His birth mother did not marry or have other children but is angry at him for wanting to meet her. I cannot understand her pov. Much like I cannot understand your mother's OP. For my dh it is rejection and while he can understand that circumstances dictated the first abandonment there doesn't seem to be a plausible reason for the second one for any adopted child. My dh wanted to contact his cousins who he has seen on social media and who look like him but has not yet. But I would say your half siblings may have an interest in meeting you. Maybe contact your bm first and say as diplomatically as possible: this is what I am going to do, not to hurt you but because they are my relatives too. Give her a chance to be a part of it.

Otoh I have an adopted friend who wants nothing to do with her birth mother even though her bm is keen for a relationship. I don't understand that one either.

Villanellesproudmum · 13/01/2019 09:48

I have been here, twice. I have two brothers, one was adopted and I traced him at 16 and was threatened by his adoptive mother never to darken her doorstep again. 20 years later I did, it’s strained we are only letterbox and FB contact really but I had to because it’s a awful itch not to proceed I think people need to have been in your place to truly understand, a neighbour had a similar situation and it worked out fantastically for her, she has a whole new family.

I just made contact, my brothers wife seems to hate me, even from the first meeting even though we never knew each other at all, this seems to have had been the negative impact stopping myself and brother getting to know each other, so If you do go ahead you might have other family members to navigate.

No one can say how it will work out for you because every situation is entirely different. You’re all a victim of your mothers decision and don’t deserve harsh responses.

moredoll · 13/01/2019 09:55

Contact after adoption for advice and support. My gut feeling is that no, you can't just contact your half brothers out of the blue.

Original poster

luc2011 · 13/01/2019 10:09

Thanks all!!! have a lot to think about my heart is saying do it but my head is saying don’t as I may have to deal with rejection ... again

OP posts:

Dutch1e · 13/01/2019 10:27

I also have half-brothers that I think don't know about me. I'm often curious about them but never to the extent that I would look for them. The best I could hope for is a close friendship and I already have close friends. The worst-case scenarios outweigh the best; for me it's just not worth chasing the vague idea that we could all jump in a time-machine and grow up as siblings (which is what I'd really be looking for at the heart of it)

TheBigBangRocks · 13/01/2019 10:29

I don't think meeting them would give you the big happy ending you are hoping for. Their dad clearly has no interest in meeting you and his sons will likely stand by him for that.

Leave it be, dont let your own wants come before the best interests of others.

Northernparent68 · 13/01/2019 10:32

You are right to think carefully, just because you are related does not mean you are going to get on well or have anything in common.

Villanellesproudmum · 13/01/2019 10:36

Ignore many of these posts as really you need to come to the decision yourself. A third party introduction if you decide to go ahead is a good idea. Also remember the rejection you’ve experienced is the circumstances and not on you or your personality. X

YeOldeTrout · 13/01/2019 10:49

If I were in your brothers' position I absolutely would want to know and meet you. BUT I don't think you should over-ride your bio-mother's wishes, too. Her preference needs to take precedent.

I'm not sure I could have much contact with her, though, tbh, knowing that she prefers to shut me out of their lives would be too painful. I'd feel a bit rejected by that (& would probably tell her so).

goldengummybear · 13/01/2019 12:51

Are your half brothers adults? I have a 17 year old who wouldn't know how to process a bombshell like that.

In my opinion, worst case scenario is that they fall out with their parents and don't want to see you because you caused the fall out with the parents. Best case scenario is that you become friendly but they fall out with their parents. Either way you need to prepare yourself for more rejection from your mum and possibly from your brothers before contact.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 13/01/2019 20:26

No! You need to think about what damage you might do to their family. Don't be selfish.
The op comes where then? Last! Life is full of suprises and people deal with it. This isnt life or death, this is people and how they deal with things. (Rolls eyes)

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