To contact half brothers who don’t know about me

[luc2011]

Long story - I was adopted and in my twenties traced my birth mother. We saw a lot of each other in the first few months of meeting - she had no support at eighteen when she fell pregnant and my dad returned to his home country before she could tell him she was pregnant. She met her now husband a few years after she gave me up told him about me showed him photos of me he said I was a beautiful child and they never spoke again about me. They went on to have three boys who are now all late twenties early thirties. Over the years she made it quite clear she would never tell her husband and boys about me although her husband knew about my existence so it strained our relationship somewhAt and she stopped making efforts to meet me due to lack of transport, money even when I’d always offer to drive to her home place and meet so I haven’t seen her now in about 5 years or so just the odd text in birthdays. I’ve accepted that she’s not interest through counseling! However I have been thinking of her sons, my half brothers so much lately and not sure would it be an awful thing to contact them as I would love to meet them - as I said they don’t know of my existence - I can see them on Social Media and have even walked by one of them or should I leave well alone?

I'm adopted and was contacted by my birth mother. I met her once for reasons which are too complicated (she knew who I was and shouldn't have). My half siblings contacted me via Facebook and I had to tell them unceremoniously to sod off.

I have siblings and parents. I don't need more. They may likely feel the same. Life is not like long lost families.

If you do contact them go via proper channels e.g. social services or wait for a DNA match on a site. Do not approach them. It will not end well.

I’ve posted on a similar thread today. I know I have half siblings in the sense I know they exist but I don’t know names etc. I don’t want contact with any of them. They are not my family they are strangers who I won’t be opening the door for to insert themselves into my family.

Trying to think of it as being in the situation but honestly if I found out I had half siblings I doubt I would want them in my life tbh! They are strangers at the end of the day anf blood isnt everything. I would leave well alone!

Gosh- I was in a similar position except my biological father abandoned us when I was a baby and chose to have no contact. He went on to have three further children that I knew nothing about although they were aware of my existence. After my mothers death I initiated contact through social media with my father and then with my half brothers and sister. I was desperate to meet them and I think that's understandable- I was in my thirties- they were a few years younger.

Sadly it didn't really have a happy ending. I met my two half brothers but my half sister didn't show to our arranged meetings and I have never heard from her. My fathers wife was incredibly hostile which didn't help. One brother met me and then blocked me but I have a cordial but not close relationship with the other. However I have managed to forge a lovely relationship with one of my nieces. So that's a blessing.

The whole thing was really tough on me- but I don't regret it.

Given your brothers ages and thr fact your birth mum isn't actively in your life .... I would say contact them because it doesn't seem like you have a lot to lose by taking the risk of reaching out to them. You could get rejected and I would prepare yourself for that and any emotional impact. But I think sometimes you just need to go for it in order to get closure, that you know one way or the other and can then deal with it.

I would take time to formulate a message to them and get a few trusted friends to read it/give feedback before sending.

One of my friends is Facebook friends only with his birth sister, she was adopted and isn't ready for direct contact but they have been "friends" for a few years now. He said just knowing she is okay has made a world of difference to how he feels. That he is glad he messaged. That she knows how to find him should she need him etc.