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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents with a 6 year age same sex age gap.. help me out please

51 replies

Sakeofpete · 13/01/2019 07:44

Do your children play together? Am I being unreasonable to ask Ds 11 to play with his brother Ds 5..
They get on so well mostly but Ds pesters Ds11 to play and I've said if Ds11 just gives him half an hour he'll then float off and play something else and Ds11 can escape.
Seems like we're having more battles with it recently but Ds 11 gets plenty of time to be with his friends, play in room alone etc so I feel like giving up 30 mins to play with your annoying little brother isn't so much to ask.. AIBU?
Or anyone got a better way to approach it?

OP posts:

Birdie6 · 13/01/2019 07:48

My sister is 6 years older than me. She totally ignored me all my life . Even now ( we're both in our 60's) she still treats me like an annoying kid sister.

The idea that your 11 year old should be playing with his 5 year old brother, is a big ask ! At 11 he has nothing in common with a 5 year old .You can't force DS11 to want to do this and I wouldn't be pushing it. Short of bribery, I doubt that this is going to happen.

Bluelonerose · 13/01/2019 07:49

I've got 7 years between my boys and it is hard.
I found my eldest wants my youngest if there's no-one else to play with so suggest half hour then.
Or make it into a grown up game.
I used to ask ds1 if he could be a real big boy and keep ds2 entertained for 30 mins just so I could prep tea/iron. Rather than ma king him play with him let him think he's looking after him.

I've always let ds1 have his space when his friends were round though.

NeverTwerkNaked · 13/01/2019 07:51

DSD and DD have this age gap. They will play, if DD is playing with something that DSD still secretly enjoys (like barbies, playmobil). They will also watch tv together in DsD room. But they are very different ages and I would never insist on DSD entertaining DD (although possibly partly because being her SM means I wouldn’t want to take advantage of her).

Could you find things they might both enjoy doing together?

Princecharlesfirstwife · 13/01/2019 07:53

My dds have a 6 year age gap, now 18 and 12. Dd1 finds dd2 a huge annoyance i think. Never have really played together apart from the early days when dd2 was a bit of a novelty. The age gap is just too much - nothing in common. I would never force dd1 to ‘play’ with her sister, I doubt that would achieve anything and would just irritate dd1 more tbh.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 13/01/2019 07:54

The 11 year old shouldn't have to play with the 5 year old.

Fishlegs · 13/01/2019 07:56

I think I would back off a bit, but maybe start playing some board games that everyone can play together (eg my kids aged 12 to 4 will all happily play cards or Game of Life together).

The main thing is that you say they do get on well. If it were me I’d not want to build resentment in your eldest by pushing this issue, and risk impairing their good relationship.

Original poster

Sakeofpete · 13/01/2019 08:05

Just to make it clear that I dont force anything.. When Ds11 moans that Ds5 asks him to play I just say that if he sits and give him 20/30 mins then that will satisfy him and he'll happily play on his own then. I sit and play with Ds5 but sometimes he jut wants his brother to play
Ds11 gets plenty of time to do his own thing with his own friends and Ds5 does too but when they're together in the house after school some days I wondered if I was asking too much
Interesting replies.. Thanks

OP posts:

Canibuildasnowman · 13/01/2019 08:07

I had this with DSis, we played ok when on our own but as I got older 10-11-12 I just wanted my friends really. Not much you can do! They’ll have fun on hols etc but that’s a big age gap to properly play. I adore dear sis, and we’re close now if it’s any consolation! We started ‘playing’ as adults when she was 17-18 again and the age difference starts to not really matter...

WingFling · 13/01/2019 08:10

My sister is 6 years younger than me. My mom expected me to play with her, not all the time but quite a lot. I did. Sometimes we got on great, sometimes it felt more like a chore. We're both in our twenties now and get on brilliantly - so it can work. Try to find things they can both enjoy, I know it must be hard at this age though. Kicking a ball around? Jenga?

TheDowagerCuntess · 13/01/2019 08:11

30 mins would seem like an eternity to an 11YO.

I don't think you can expect siblings six years apart in age to play together.

I wanted mine to do exactly that, so had them 18 months apart.

Original poster

Sakeofpete · 13/01/2019 08:11

Canibuildasnowman.. that's good to know
They really do get on well so hoping it stays that way..

OP posts:

autumnboys · 13/01/2019 08:14

I have a six year age gap between my oldest and youngest, with another in the middle. When they were 5 & 11 the only time ds1 showed any inclination to play with Ds3 was when he had a friend round who didn’t have younger siblings - they found Ds3 fascinating for some reason. If your older child doesn’t want to play with the younger, I wouldn’t make him, I think it breeds resentment. They are now 15 & 9, Ds3 has learnt to play more self sufficiently and ds1 will now and then do an hour of Lego with him if he feels so moved.

It’s tough, I know. Ds1 & ds2 are 23 months apart and wanted to play together and I feel a bit sad for Ds3 that he didn’t have that.

RedDwarves · 13/01/2019 08:14

My sister and I have this gap. I am older than her. I resented being made to play with a 5 year old when I had completely outgrown "playing" in that sense.

They may or may not be close as they get older, but forcing them to play with/enjoy each others' company isn't going to help.

Drunkandstupidagain · 13/01/2019 08:16

I know this isnt same sex but my brothers are 5 and 7 years older than me. The one 5 years older did let me play football etc with him and his friends and they always looked out for me i still get aw there’s wee “drunkandstupid...” or just wee my brothers nickname the friendship died off in the teen years but we are in our 30s now and great friends. I don’t think it was forced I suppose it was more st days to the beach,holidays etc

planespotting · 13/01/2019 08:22

My sister is 7 years older than me. I only started to actually have a relationship with her when I was 15
I don't think she even talked to me before them, at least not in a nice way!

Dillydallyalltheway · 13/01/2019 08:28

Maybe your eldest could read to your youngest now and again, that might satisfy your youngest.

Metalhead · 13/01/2019 08:28

Like a pp said, I would try and find something they both enjoy playing (football, games console, card/board games, Lego) and ask them to do this for a few minutes whilst you get on with some chores.

I’ve got two DDs (8 and 3) and they do play nicely together, but only if they’re both in the right mood and if there is no one else to play with (or DD1 feels like she can be the ‘grown up’ and show DD2 how to do something.).

MillieMoodle · 13/01/2019 08:29

5.5 years between my boys. They are 7 and 2 and will play together at the moment. Am hoping it continues!

waywardfruit · 13/01/2019 08:29

He's not going to want to play with his kid brother voluntarily.

Maybe the way to do it would be to treat it the same as any other routine thing that you require him to do, like homework, tidying his room or putting his dirty clothes in the laundry. Praise and reward him for doing it.

blacksax · 13/01/2019 08:31

Another pp's suggestion of asking him to read with him sounds a good idea.

Aridane · 13/01/2019 08:32

I doubt 'just 30 minutes' would satisfy the younger (even if the older were happy to do so)

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 13/01/2019 08:33

Maybe you could 'pay' him pocket money to babysit?

They'll probably like to hang out together eventually when they're grown up but right now it's possibly a bit unrealistic!

Original poster

Sakeofpete · 13/01/2019 08:36

Thanks everyone.. shall read properly later but just to add that I dont need Ds11 to play with Ds5 while I get on with chores or anything, it's just Ds5 wants Ds11 to play with him and in my mind if Ds11 gives even 10 mins of engaging with him hell be happy and bugger off and leave him be. I don't expect him to babysit or anything

OP posts:

HariboLecter · 13/01/2019 08:36

I'm 6 years older than my brother, I remember playing with him when he was 3 or 4 (I think schools was a popular one 😂) as we got older, we'd play less. Although in summer we would play football together or go off for bike rides.
We don't see each other much now due to distance, but we are close.

SarahMused · 13/01/2019 08:38

My boys are now aged 26 and 17 and their relationship is pretty close despite the older one now being married and living a few miles away. When they were younger they didn’t exactly play together but the older one would help the younger one - read stories, make lego sets, draw pictures together, play sport in the garden etc. He enjoyed being the big brother that was looked up to as a role model. Once they were older it was more equal - they play cricket and football together and both enjoy fishing. In the long run it will be shared interests that they will bond over and you can’t really force that without breeding resentment.

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