Parents with a 6 year age same sex age gap.. help me out please

[Sakeofpete]

Do your children play together? Am I being unreasonable to ask Ds 11 to play with his brother Ds 5..
They get on so well mostly but Ds pesters Ds11 to play and I've said if Ds11 just gives him half an hour he'll then float off and play something else and Ds11 can escape.
Seems like we're having more battles with it recently but Ds 11 gets plenty of time to be with his friends, play in room alone etc so I feel like giving up 30 mins to play with your annoying little brother isn't so much to ask.. AIBU?
Or anyone got a better way to approach it?

I forgot to say we have a lot of things in common, shared interests and similar personalities which probably helps a lot.

BUT we would also fight a lot when we were younger.

My sons had a 7 year age gap ; they played a lot together if it was a shared interest; poking around outside with sticks, Xbox, tv, football, general messing around . You can't really make children play together it rather depends on their personalities and interests. DD used to play with little DS with the Sylvanians or dolls house at a push but she was less generous with her time and their interests were different.
We only had one screen for doing things on in those days ( pre lap tops) so any electronic games or tv watching had to be shared and suitable for all ages; they had to come to a consensus, it seemed to work.

I have exactly the same aged kids (both girls). I don't expect the older to play with the younger - until about a year ago they always played together, but now DD1 is getting older and just isn't into make believe so it's not fun for her. I have found that giving them an active 'thing' to do together helps (kicking a ball in the park, having a swim, making up a dance). But I don't push it.

11 years between my 2 boys. Eldest has always been very hands on with his brother when it came to playing with him. Not all the time, just when youngest asked. DS 2 used to like watching eldest play on his Xbox and now on occasion they will play games together. Shouldn't be expected of him though.

Ive got virtually 6 years between mine (it should have been exactly 6 but DS2 was premature).

They are now just 8 and nearly 14. While they don't play with each other every day they do definitely play with each other. They both love football so that features a lot so they are outside especially in the summer. They also play Fifa and Forza on the xbox either together (as in the same room) or against each other. DS1 helped DS2 build some lego over christmas as well.

They definitely aren't best friends but DS2 adores DS1 and vice versa. The only issue Ive had is DS2 also thinks he is 14 and wants to dress and act like DS1 does. DS1 friends love DS2 which makes it a lot easier though but I do need to remind him that DS1 needs some space or he'd been in his room all the time.

From memory when DS2 was 5 it was a tricky age because DS1 thought he was too grown up to play with him and DS2 wasn't quite ready for football matches or Fifa but it's definitely improved as they've got older.

My DDs have a 3 year age gap, and fought like cats and dogs all their childhood. It wasn't until very late teens that they got on, and now they're very close. I don't think it's fair to expect an 11-year-old to play with a five-year-old.

You're asking him to child-mind, in effect.

6 year gap here. You need a carrot!

My kids do play together but not all of the time. I have to admit I'm happily surprised reading this at how good my older son is about playing with his younger brother, but we do let him do more grown up stuff as a treat for being so good. So after the little one is in bed he is allowed some time in his x box playing 15 games and we also watch 15 films and box sets with him. That kind of thing.

At that age it's a lifetime of difference.
As they get into adulthood it will be easier for them to be friends, but until they're in their twenties, no chance. And that's how it should be.
Dd has older sisters who were basically used to "keep an eye on him/keep him occupied while i cook/play with your little brother" and they all say now (in their 40s and 50s) that they all loved each other with that unconditional family love, but my did they all resent all of this in private.

Only 4.5 years between me & my sister & we never played together.

I have a 5y/o boy and an 11y/o boy and they get on ok, not all the time I must say but generally ok. Elder one has aspergers so isn’t interested in much other than his own thing and younger one bugs him a lot. They’re not my only children though and the younger one does tend to drift towards playing with their brother in between who is 7. My 5y/o son has a love/hate more hate relationship ship with his 4y/o sister though!

6.5 years between my boys. The older one has always played with younger. As elder ds got older he wanted more space but he still makes time for his brother. They seem to enjoy spending time together.

The 11 yr old shouldn’t have to ‘play’ with his 5 yr old brother, no. I have a 6 yr gap between ds1 and ds2 as well and I never forced ds1 to play with his wee brother (or sister). 11 has outgrown that sort of play, the age gap is not of his doing. Watch a film together, read a book, game online together, yes. Those are good ‘together’ things to do.
Of course sometimes ds1 will play of his own volition...but it’s his own choice to.

I don't have any experience with this but perhaps you could suggest to DS1 that DS2 wants to play with him because he's looking up to him? Like he admires that he's older? Not sure it works quite like that but maybe you can play on his pride it might help. I'm about to have DS1 (so excited you wouldn't believe) and would hope I I had the same thing my children would play together!

Well my ds is 18 and he always made time to play with his little sister who is 7 but then I suppose it’s different as he’s old enough to want to spend time with her rather than be made to

A six year gap is probably quite tricky, too big a gap for wanting to play the same sort of games but not quite big enough for the older one to feel avuncular towards the younger.

Anything that sets the older one up in the more knowledgable 'teacher' role might help. There needs to be something 'feel good' in it for him to motivate him at this stage, I think.

My boys are 8 and 2 and they play together. DS1 takes being a big brother very seriously and will happily sit and play trains or cars or sing songs with DS2. I think he secretly likes going back to his old train set.

I think it helps that we try to balance family activities so they're not too toddler-centric and DS1 feels like he's getting enough of our attention and isn't stuck watching baby tv all the time.

I’m 5 years older than my sister and we never played together, and pushing it wouldn’t have helped tbh.

I agree with pp suggestion about laying it on thick how much his little brother looks up to him and just loves having some time with him. That might encourage DS1 to play with DS2, everyone likes to be admired

Similar suggestion - is there anything you think DS1 would enjoy teaching DS2? He might like feeling like a “teacher”? For example “DS2’s finding his Lego quite difficult, DS1 do you think you could give him a few tips?” might go down better than “DS1 could you play Lego with DS2”

Read through the replies..
Few points I want to clear up.. I don't expect him/force him to play. Mostly they play together at lego, cars, figures really nicely but sometimes the youngest badgers the eldest to play and eldest gets a bit cross. So I suggest in a kinda "give him ten mins and then he'll leave you be" way and it does work.. I take on board that I may have to stop that and just let them enjoy playing when they do it naturally and be firm with the youngest and say leave him alone and I'll distract him.
I think I'm lucky really as they do have a lovely relationship
Thanks for all the replies

Also we make sure that Ds11 gets time with us when the youngest is asleep and we watch his programmes together or play a game. I try my very hardest to make sure they both get time one to one with us and also together

My dds are 19, 12 and 4
The common shared interests are movies/xbox and walks/garden type stuff

The eldest and youngest are close and the middle is a little bit awkward currently. She is a bit combative with her big sister but quite gentle with her younger one.

It has always been a far different dynamic than 3 close in age. Each year brings different forms of interaction with each other tbh.

The Greatest showman is their current shared 'activity'

My friend has this set up and she solved it by asking her older one to make a list of things she would entertain doing with the little sister. Out came things like playing board games, Lego, game consoles, teaching the younger one to do hairstyles, arts and craft and colouring.

So when the younger one asks the older will give her the choice of these things and they do it together for a while. If the younger one wants to do something else the older has the right to say no.

Sorry I didn’t mean for my reply to sound shitty .
I just meant we didn’t expect him to play with her he just kind of wanted to.
There are times when he’s back from Uni though when she wants to play with him but he wants to sleep!
Tbf, he is like this with all of us

I have 2 DDs and there's only 21 months between them. Up until the last 18 months or so, they used to play together loads, but since the eldest turned 10 (and particularly since she started senior school) it's become increasingly less likely that she'll willingly play with her younger sister. Unless it's something she wants to do (i.e. Lego or Mario Kart), then often her little sister will be running to me saying "She won't play with me", so it often means that I do instead - which I have learned to really appreciate as DD1 is far less likely to want to play with me these days! I thinks it's as much to do with the age of your eldest as it is with the age gap. Good luck OP!

Mine are 4 and 10,(boys), often play together of own choosing and sometimes sit calmly and watch TV together. I don’t force it and have just let it evolve.

There are also times when the youngest is a real pain and he is removed so oldest has his space. We ensure they have own friends and different activities so when they are together it is fun (mostly).

It wasn’t a choice to have them so far apart (m/c and infertility), so we have just learn to deal with the gap.

I was really lucky. My DD's six years apart, and the eldest was so good with the youngest. Played with her as a baby, and then when they were 14 and 8, for example. eldest DD secretly loved having the excuse of a younger sister to continue to play with Sylvanians and schools and kitchens. A school friend used to come round especially to "help" play with the kitchen stuff, it was a lovely guilty pleasure, not allowed when you were with your peers. Now they are mid teens and early twenties, they go out shopping, to the cinema and theater quite often, and eldest DD is also very good at advising on teenage issues.