To want to retire sooner rather than later?

[Winterberriesonatree]

I fully expect to be torn to bits on this thread, so before anyone even starts, no offence taken.

I am nearly 60 and DH is 2 years younger, slightly relevant. We have a long marriage since early 20's and for much of that time I was the main breadwinner. We both always worked, started out as pretty much equals in our twenties. After well earned promotions at work, I earned quite a bit more than DH for very many years.

In spite of this, I did the bulk of the childcare and all the emotional work of bringing up our two children. DH had a hobby which took up a lot of his time, whilst mostly opting out of parental chores.

In the last couple of years I have arthritis, which has made it difficult to continue full-time work. Our children are now almost totally independent financially, for the first time ever. They have had loads of parental support over the years, both re-training for new careers in their twenties, which they could not have done without financial help.

In a nutshell, DH feels that I should continue working full-time, until I get my pension at aged 66. With arthritis, all I really want to do is slow down and work 2 to 3 days a week, until retirement. DCs are almost independent. He is earning a good wage now and I supported him through the years when he was earning much less than me.

Is this reasonable?

Can you not point out that you put more money into the financial pot for x months when he was unemployed, and when you earned more than him for x amount of years. You are now in pain and will de reducing to part time hours for 3 years to improve your health and it is his “turn” to be the breadwinner. End of discussion. Health always comes first

CAN you point out the benefits to him...(ok this assumes he pulls his weight around the house) , assuming he does then he will gain time at home as he will no longer have to do housework/diy/gardening/financial management/holiday planning/whatever. Dinner 9n the table every night, and no dishes to wash...

midgebabe why would the OP want to do all the housework just because she’s retired, especially if it’s for medical reasons?

Your husband sounds horrible imo

BECause why on earth would she expect to retire leave dh working full time and not pick up some extra jobs to reduce the load on dh? She will still be doing much less than currently,. She will have more opport7nity to manage her health whilst still pulling her weight.

OP has arthritis. She won't be doing gardening FFS. I can barely hang out washing with my hip arthritis. I certainly cannot touch the ground, so picking things up, weeding etc are off the menu. Housework is a nightmare... no bending at the hip to dust skirtings.

Well 2 years should be neither here nor there, I think he’s being quite unfeeling.

I’ll be working 5+ years after DH retires because I’m younger than him. Does he expect to have opted out of housework and wifework and then retire at the same age as you, thus getting 2 years less at work?

I feel annoyed on your behalf!

He didn’t exactly care about fairness before though, did he?

Bottom line - if you can afford to retire now (decent if reduced pension at 60, mortgage paid off?) without his income - then do it whether he likes it or not.

What does he say to the fact that previously you supported him?

On the offchance that he isn’t just a dick (sorry, but from his lazy approach to child rearing and not caring about your health, I’m unimpressed)... you should consider that this isn’t about money but his fears about other things, e.g.

• both of you ageing: not nice to confront and you retiring really makes it true
• worrying you’ll be a different person as a retiree anc being afraid that will impact your relationship
• other stuff. Maybe. Maybe he’s just worried about the change and he’s not a dick

Pip is not means tested and can be claimed alongside an occupational pension. My husband retired at 56 with ill health, and receives pip plus his works pension.
Pip can also lead to further help if you receive the lower mobility part such as a blue badge and half price car tax.
It's worth spending time researching this benefit as it's quite complicated to understand. Don't assume you won't qualify.

Even if you hadn't been the main breadwinner, I'd be backing you dropping your hours for the sake of preserving your health.

You've had joint finances for many years, so it would be worth trying to get him to understand. It sounds as though your employer might be agreeable to you dropping days in June? So there's a bit of time?

frippit

Thanks, I will look into it, left school at 16 and never claimed any benefits other than family allowance. We are not badly off though and I would feel bad about taking from the pot when we do not need to.

Reading other replies has made me realise that the issues are more about the dynamics of our relationship

It's what you've paid your taxes for...

Ellisandra

Haha! You hit the nail on the head. He was being a total dick about it, until it was confirmed by xray/my GP that my worsening limp and hip pain was caused by OA which would require a hip replacement. At that point he then had to adjust to having a wife with a "disabilty", which in turn takes a bit of getting used to. No-one likes getting older, but if DH had a heart attack, this would be "very serious" and adjustments would automatically be made for him.

The fact remains that me leaving full-time work would impact considerably on our current lifestyle. DH has been made redundant from private sector employment twice in the last few years and feels insecure. Even though he earns good money at the moment, he is well aware that things can change very quickly indeed. Not everyone is falling over themselves to provide employment to men in their late fifties, so I understand why he is worried. We have a long marriage, I am trying to find a compromise.

My pension at 60 would not pay half our current outgoings by any stretch of the imagination. Until we both get our state pensions at 66 and finally adjust our outgoings to fit our joint income, he has made it clear that he would see me as being dependent on him. And yes, he does not like being reminded that the boot has been on the other foot. Yet now is not the time to cause arguments about this.

Your comments about sharing childcare in days gone by are accurate, but we had our children in the 1980s. Many women were SAHM in those days and if we dared to work, we had a very short mat leave, no pat leave, hence men often did not expect to help much with the kids. Men saw their fathers coming and going to work and the pub/hobbies as they liked when growing up in the 60s and women in my age group were used to seeing their SAHM doing all the domestic work. You might say we were conditioned in a way of thinking, that younger people find it hard to understand.

When we had our children I worked night duties as a nurse for over twenty years. This meant that I took care of the childcare aspect during the day. DH took them to school until secondary age, when they walked to and from, I picked up from school after a few hours sleep and worked at night, until both the kids had left secondary school. I gained promotion and earned good money with little to pay out for childcare. It was not a bad position to be in at that time. I was young and fit, enjoyed my job and our kids were well looked after. They always got a home cooked meal before I went to work, help with homework, were taken to after school activities. Most of the nurses I worked with were doing the same thing and we all managed well.

Today our son who in his early 30s says that he never had any concept growing up that women were not equal to men and I am proud of this, because I hope he will parent equally in the future. DH is no different to most other men in his peer group. I (hope) things will be better for my DD in the future when she has a family, but it is not possible to go back and re-write history.

My husband and I had never claimed any benefits before either. We had paid tax and nat ins for over 30 years.
It's well worth starting to research the benefits available. I think you claim attendance allowance instead of pip when you are over 65 (or mite be 60). Also you could be eligible for contributary esa for several months too.
For us it means the difference between doing OK and being on the breadline.

Retire! You’ve earned it and you need to take care of yourself with arthritis.

Could I also say that your husband may need a bit of time to get his head around the idea of you retiring. He may then come round to the idea.
I was worried when my husband first talked about retiring. I thought we'd be really short of money and I felt a bit jealous of him with the free time and me still working. Big changes are hard to process. However it's all worked out fine.

BackforGood

The reason I expected to be ripped to shreds was because in the newspapers we see so many articles about older people/ baby boomers. The slant is always very negative along the lines of "you have got all the houses, pensions and the young are left worse off than our parents generation".

At a guess, younger mumsnetters have passed this thread by, because understandably they are too busy worrying about bringing up families etc..

frippit

Your last point is probably near to the truth. I do not intend to retire fully, but would step down to 2 days, then after my hip has been done the door is hopefully still open to remain in employment.

Have you been on the HMRC websote to see what your lump sum/weekly pension would be? I did this and was p.easantly surprised-£80 000 lump sum plus pension. Do you have any income possibilities once you retire?

I think retiring a very good idea if you want to or scale back if you would prefer to. You ANBU.

I agree with other posters. It's your decision. Research your position fully and then make your decision.

I'm biased. I hope to be able to retire at 60 if I want to or at least not to have to stay. Breadwinner also and paying extra into mortgage to pay off ASAP.

Go for it!! Hubby will have to get used to it. Your health and wellbeing needs to come first now after all these years.

I stopped working at 50 due to ill health but didn't receive a medical retirement so can't claim my pension until 60. I'd say go for it OP. My quality of life has improved dramatically.
DH was very supportive and wanted my health to improve despite the drop in income but was worried I'd be a bit bored. He was right. After 6 months of boredom I've found a perfect role for a few hours a week totally unrelated to my previous profession and it was the best decision ever.

Your comments about sharing childcare in days gone by are accurate, but we had our children in the 1980s. Many women were SAHM in those days and if we dared to work, we had a very short mat leave, no pat leave, hence men often did not expect to help much with the kids. Men saw their fathers coming and going to work and the pub/hobbies as they liked when growing up in the 60s and women in my age group were used to seeing their SAHM doing all the domestic work. You might say we were conditioned in a way of thinking, that younger people find it hard to understand.

Wow. Not my experience at all. Not in the 60s and not in the 80s.

DH is no different to most other men in his peer group

Well, he is different from my dh, my brother, my brother in law, and (from what I perceive) all of our friends. We are all in our 50s.

Why can't you afford your current outgoings? Is he your mortgage not yet paid off?

There is definitely an adjustment to having more time and less money.

I think your dh is a right arse.

BackforGood

I am glad your experiences were different, it was not so for many women. My DM was a SAHM and spent years doing housework and childcare from late 50s to early 70s.

DM suffered from the "marriage bar" which meant she was forced to leave her job once expecting the first child in 1959. This attitude was not completely stamped out in the UK until after the 1990 decision to allow maternity leave for women in the armed forces. My childhood experience was based on this social attitude to working women with childcare responsibilities.

In the armed forces in the 1980s any female who became pregnant was forced to leave the service with immediate effect. This did not change until 1990, when the MOD finally allowed maternity leave.

api.parliament.uk/historic-hansard/commons/1994/may/25/service-women-pregnancy

DH has an armed forces background. When I became pregnant in 1985 he was posted unaccompanied for most of that year. All the wives were sent letters from the CO to say that if they were expecting babies, they needed to arrange for families to care for other children, as the men would not be around to help. We had little choice but to suck it up.

DH is not much different to his peer group, but I accept it may have been a different story for civilians at that time.

LaurieFairyCake

We CAN afford our current outgoings at present, I have not suggested otherwise. One or other us of stepping down into part-time work prior to retirement age does change the long-term plan. As you say there is a re-adjustment to be made.