To go NC with my mother?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

DM is wonderful and has been a good mother but....

For a multitude of reasons, including financial pressures, family Illness and sibling (mild) disability, I have always been a low priority (this is acknowledged).

I’ve understood and accepted this - everybody needs her more than I do and she is reluctant to outsource any of it!

The issue is, I’ve recently come to realise that I’m so low down on her priority lists she will prioritise ‘catching up on TV’ before me!

It’s hard as she spends Sooo much of her time with everyone else - including my sibling!!

DP has pointed out to me that I give FAR more than I take - although he ‘understands’ why!

In the rare moments that I have her attention DM is lovely but is consistently VERY late/cancels last minute/ doesn’t let us know what’s happening/has to rush off to do something else and repeats this at 20 minute intervals!

I’m now getting married and DM has retired so talked a big game about how involved she would be - so far... 😂😭

She has contributed a bit financially (we did not ask for this) but is TOTALLY unreliable - we had plans for today and I rang her this morning (she never rings me) then she told me she had made other plans with my sibling and therefore couldn’t guarentee when she’d be free to see me! And she would ‘only have an hour or two’ - despite us having plans for ages!!

The second I try to address this - I’m the bad guy who pays no attention to how much she does! She told me this morning that she’s fed up of me ‘complaining’ about how unreliable she is and that I need to ‘watch myself’ being so critical of others.

DP likes her a lot but is fed up of her rocking up 4 hours later than planned - with no notice!

Nobody genuinely considering NC for serious reasons starts a post with the phrase "DM is wonderful..." What you're actually suggesting is giving your mother the passive aggressive silent treatment in order to make her notice. That is NOT the same as going nc. Those of us who have made that choice have done so to protect ourselves, and often our chdren, from serious emotional harm. That's not what you're describing. Is there more?

@flying

There’s no drip feed- just a very long history of getting very let down and being made to feel that I am the problem!

It does feel quite manipulative to me - making plans...purposely ignoring them... then saying the other person is the problem!

If it were a relationship I’d have scarpered years ago as would have considered it VERY unhealthy!

If I am being totally OTT I’ll accept that but feel I’ve reached a point now where I realise - it will never get better than this!

You could just try and stop believing her, and believing in her. Don't make plans with her unless you are happy to stay in when she doesn't show, or happy to do whatever on your own or with your DP. It sounds like spending time with you isn't high on her priorities so you won't have to keep a day free very often.

If she wants to do wedding stuff with you tell her when you're doing it. If she shows up great, if she doesn't go ahead with whatever anyway.

DM is wonderful and has been a good mother

Then you are being very OTT.

You sound annoyed that you're not getting as much attention as your sibling. Maybe she just prefers to spend time with them?

No contact in the scenario?

For goodness sakes no.

@APile

I just don’t really want that ‘dip in and out as she pleases’ approach! It’s not fair.
If she doesn’t have the time/motivation to be properly involved why let her just dip in and out to enjoy the glory without any of the hard work!

It’s very rude- she can’t manage a text to say ‘btw- gonna be 4 hours late!!’

Nobody would put up with this from a DP or friend!

why let her just dip in and out to enjoy the glory without any of the hard work

What a strange attitude to have against your mother.

Do you think she might be keeping you at arm's length because she finds the relationship hard work? Have you been a bit bridezilla and she's a bit tired of wedding talk? Just thoughts.

Try inviting her to do something she really enjoys doing, effort does work both ways.

I’m not sure that your a low priority op- she probably just needs to be there for your sister more than she does for you. Why not accept that your mum is just like this. She’s isn’t mean or horrid to you is she? In tone as she gets older and maybe slows down she could very well
Have the time
For you that you do desire. It doesn’t warrant no contact.

Leave her to it and enjoy the fact that she isn't asking you for anything and doesn't require any care.

Rather than no contact treat her with the same respect she is treating you, if she wants to meet up but doesn't show go out. If she calls with and excuse about being late it's no longer convenient. If she is prepared to cancel on you she needs to be prepared for you not to be so available.

You don't have to go no contact just readjust your boundaries on what crap you are prepared to accept from her, be prepared that this may result in a low contact situation anyway.

If my DM was a friend I would have drifted away from her years ago. If I met her, liked her and then tried to get on with her I would now avoid her.

Most people think my DM is lovely, she sucks the life out of me.

I do my best, I do what I can do, but I don't rely on her.

Four hours late with no text to let you know is shit. I'm not sure if it's NC-level shit, but the fact that she accuses you of criticising and complaining when you try to talk to her about feeling let down is also shit. After all, she has let you down. And maybe she had reasons but most people can manage a text if they need to change their plans.

It sounds like she's quite unreliable (to you at least), and perhaps you should reconsider involving her in your wedding plans.

Just don't make the effort anymore. Don't actively go no contact but don't make anymore effort. Just leave her to it and see her when you see her. Maybe it will make her notice, if not you havent lost anything except her messing you around all the time. Either that or next time she does this have a massive blow out at her - tell her exactly how you feel and then tell her to fuck off. If this stillllll doesn't work then consider no contact. Right now i would say just stop actively making the effort - the the ball in her court.

*leave the ball in her court

I would stop making any effort with her and treat her as a scatty friend, so respond to her texts when YOU can and take her offers of help or offers to meet as hypotheticals that won't happen.

Stop running after her and it may e the wake up call that she is at risk of losing you.

Yeah just withdraw and have zero expectations, you may end up slipping into NC be default tbh.

Could it be that DM is overwhelmed by the things that she is dealing with, like family illness, disabled child and she was working then she retired.

Seems to me that she is dealing with a lot and perhaps she feels that you are not helping her with family members and she is dealing with everything herself.

Rather than no contact treat her with the same respect she is treating you, if she wants to meet up but doesn't show go out. If she calls with and excuse about being late it's no longer convenient. If she is prepared to cancel on you she needs to be prepared for you not to be so available.

Seriously. What a small minded petty way to live.

Oh I’m so sorry!!!

On another thread but cut and paste from here
Sorry
Ignore

I think op has probably been allocated the role of "the coper, she's fine, she doesn't need help" what's been forgotten by her Mum is that doesn't mean she never "needs" time from her Mum and to know that she is valued and loved...

It hurts that her Mum never prioritises her or their plans!

I suspect your Mum does get something out of being so "needed" by others and she's allocated herself the role of "indispensable" and her sense of self relies on it.

I’m not sure how in one breath you can say she’s wonderful, but in the next you want to go NC. I also don’t understand why you need her to be involved in your wedding planning?!?! What are you expecting her to do? Perhaps, now she’s retired, she wants to enjoy herself and doesn’t want to do your admin/organising. Does your sibling have kids? If so , perhaps she wants to spend time with them.

@RandomMess YES!!! Exactly this! Exactly that! Almost word for word! She could outsource/ change things- even when she did work it was only ever PT 10 hours a week! She likes being needed and is a bit of a control freak!

@strongmummy
I don’t need her involvement - she wants to be involved- makes lots of promises- then flakes!!

It’s so much worse than just not being involved! Plus she’s instilled in my sibling and I that we need her approval on things - I’m doing well leaving this behind but she will voice her negative opinions and I sit there thinking...well maybe if you’d been around at the time!

Rather than no contact treat her with the same respect she is treating you, if she wants to meet up but doesn't show go out. If she calls with and excuse about being late it's no longer convenient. If she is prepared to cancel on you she needs to be prepared for you not to be so available.

I totally agree. If she's late, just carry on with your day/plans. Don't her her lateness fuck up your day.